#I am in the midst of the worst PMS ever

[daydreamslikewaves]

This is bordering on a crack!headcannon but

I think Chrissy is someone who gets cold easily; she is tiny and especially in the first couple of months into her friendship-turning-dating situ with Eddie she is still undernourished so, yeah - cold. 

Anyway this means that when they sleep, naturally, she gravitates toward his warmth in the night. And we all know guys run hot but he runs hot. Incinerator-level hot. So Chrissy gravitates. But to an extent that she doesn’t just curl up into his side, or slide her leg between his, or anything like that. No, a lot of the time, she damn hear climbs on top of him. Like he’s got his own personal Chrissy-blanket, or something. She often takes the duvet with her when she does this, wrapping it over her like a cape so that she can twist the ends of it under her forearms when she is in position, essentially locking them in place. It’s even more impressive when Eddie realises that she carries out this maneuver without fully waking up.

He, on the other hand, almost always wakes up when she’s in the middle of doing this, but he really doesn’t mind. He drifts back to sleep relatively easily and in the morning he DOES wake up overheated, even if she’s slid off back to his side later on in the night. He just cannot bear the thought of disturbing her (or complaining to be honest, I mean, his cute lil’ gf likes to clamber over him in her sleep? This is not a problem). She blushes profusely the first time he teases her about it but he reassures her it’s fine - and fucking adorable.

Eventually it starts happening less and less because she is less reliant on his body heat, so it just simmers down to the more usual ‘snuggling into his side’ sort of thing. But occasionally Eddie does miss it; so much so that he gets a lil pouty and she just laughs, lunging for him and reminding him that if he wants a Chrissy-blanket, all he has to do is ask.

[frailtierx]

You're but you were

Prompt: I was just lying in bed trying to rest and then suddenly, I was hit by the realization that "you're" is a contraction of "you" and "are" but, although perceived as grammatically incorrect, "you're" could probably also mean "you were" and it pains me to think that the sentence "you're the love of my life" could mean "you were the love of my life"

Characters: Jihoon x Seungcheol, Jihoon x Soonyoung

Genre: Slowburn mild angst

I stared at the man beside me. He's definitely asleep. His short lashes. His soft pink lips. His soft cheeks. He could only count the times he's met him or more like he's seen him home.

"Stop staring at me already. Do you need something?" Ji said with his eyes closed.

" Are you free tomorrow? Let's have a date?" Sc suggested. He missed this man already. He's busy with work most of the time.

"I can't. I need to meet with Soonyoung tomorrow. He'll be releasing another song so we need to prepare for the production."Ji answered in his tired voice.

"I-" Sc was about to tell him something when Ji turned his body in the opposite direction.

"Whatever you're gonna say, keep it for tomorrow. It's late." Ji finally said and Sc decided to press his own back to the bed and stare at the ceiling.

It has happened a whole lot where Ji would move a scheduled date or cancel it at most just to accommodate work or Soonyoung. Not gonna lie, he's jealous of the man occupying his husband's time but he can do nothing because work is work and work is Ji's priority more than him. It sucks but he learned to tolerate it. He stayed in this marriage which led to where they are now.

Ji wasn't like this before. They were the campus couple. Both of them graduated college with flying colors proving to everyone that having a romantic relationship is not a hindrance to getting good grades. Everyone envies them. They could be seen dating practically everywhere: movie date, library date, cafe date, picnic date. Name it and they might have done it.

That's it and they've reached their common goal which was to graduate with flying colors and after which their next goal was to have a job. For Sc, it was easy as a business graduate. He immediately got a job from a famous company that was listed in the Fortune 100 magazine, but Ji wasn't that lucky.

As a media production graduate, getting into the music production world isn't an easy pie at all, and having seen how easy it was for Sc, he felt like he was losing his ground. Sc was busy as hell as he was still from the bottom of the company, while Ji used this time to create connections inside the music world.

In the midst of Sc's promotions, Ji got lucky and met a good music label for cooperation. Everything's going fine and the two feeling all the luck in the world decided it's time to tie two ends of the string and got married.

Well, that's a start and although they both got married, Sc got his promotion and Ji got a partnership, the two almost no longer met for a long time.

There were times they'd sleep on the same bed but the moment the other awoken, the other would be gone already. Sc has fixed schedules of 8 am - 5 pm work but Ji's isn't fixed because there would be a time that the artist would only be available at a certain time, at worst it'll be in the middle of the night and he had to continue the editing after the recording which would take for more hours due to revisions or simple changes.

Ji's production grew and he finally got to the point where he found his own label and crew. When he thought he could finally handle his own time, he was mistaken as he got busier than ever because of meetings and his hands-on participation in all major production.

And that is the complete opposite of whatever is happening in Sc's life. As he got his promotion after promotion, the loads he was handling, although it's getting more valuable, he's no longer doing fieldwork, thus freeing himself after doing all the paperwork. He can even work from home if there are no important meetings with clients or monthly evaluations.

Staying at home, waiting for Ji, having short talks, and cooking for his husband have been the dailies for Sc. Since there were no major productions and his label is handling new pop-up artists, he has given most work to his crew so aside from important meetings, he was mostly at home.

It was happy... but it was different. It's like putting two familiar people inside a room with no idea of what's going on with each other's life but there's this certain obligation that they have to talk. SC is trying to work it out which is why he's doing most of the talking.

You can say it somehow is working out but the familiarity is just familiarity and still lacks the right tone.

Weeks passed and Sc woke up alone once again in bed. There's a text on his phone, and maybe it was due to the regular short talks, Ji notified him about the new big artist that will be under their label.

You know that feeling when you want to be jealous of someone and although you have the right to do so, you can't because they're not doing anything wrong since it's all part of the job? That's how it is for Sc.

It's back to the past when Ji would have no time to come back home. The only time he'd know whatever is happening to his husband would be when his Twitter notified him that user SyKwon has posted.

It would be about his tiger agenda but most of the time it'd be about how Ji would tolerate this agenda of his.

Sy would post having dinner with the Production Director Woozi.

Sy would post Prod. Dir. Woozi editing through the night and Sy would be there at the back drinking coffee and prepping snacks for Prod. Dir. Woozi.

Sy would post a tired sleeping Prod. Dir. Woozi and encourage his husband in his post.

Sy would post the two of them having fun during productions like him messing up on purpose to get Prod. Dir. Woozi to smile.

Another notification came in, Sy posted: Thanks Ji for making the beats to prove to everyone I'm a tiger and not a hamster. Everyone, here's a short funny rap. #justforfun #Horanghae

Woozi replied: Np Soons. If you're happy with it. :)

Sc was mad? But not ragingly mad - yet he's still mad. Like where's the Prod. Dir. Woozi? Why is it just "Ji"? Are they that familiar with each other? How long did they two stay with each other just to be this close?

Today, he decided to bring lunch for Ji. He usually does but oftentimes he had it delivered to the universe factory- Ji's office instead of him bringing it personally.

It was an hour before lunch and when he came, he saw Ji in his office reading some official documents.

"You're secretary told me to just come in since you're not doing anything important aside from reading," Sc said after he knocked on the clear glass door.

"Oh. You're here. You should have texted me at least. Please get yourself seated on the couch" Ji said as he stood to come to the lounge of his office.

"Why did you bring lunch personally? You should have it delivered next time. I know you're busy too." Ji told him as they were unpacking the lunch.

"Please stay for lunch. It's quite early and I think you haven't had one yet. Uhmm... Can you wait a bit? I'll be right back. I'll just call someone." Sc nodded his head as Ji stood up and took his phone from the work desk to call someone.

"Hello. Come here to my office and let's have lunch." Sc heard. The call was brief and Ji went back to the lounge area. a minute or two after the glass door opened loudly.

"Ujiiiii, I'm here! Where's lunch?" Sy excitedly said as he scram to sit next to Ji. Maybe it's a habit or something Sy has been used to that there were only the two of them in the office so he hasn't noticed the third pair of eyes that was shocked at the sudden barging of this familiar unfamiliar person.

"Soons, I've been telling you to slowly open the door. It'll be dangerous if your actions cause the hinges to loosen and by the way, you two haven't met yet." Ji said calmly as he reprimands Sy.

That's also when Sy sat properly as he found out there was another person in the room.

"So Soons, this is my Husband. Seungcheol. and Hon, this is our number 1 artist on the label, Soonyoung. " Ji introduces the two.

"Hi! I'm Soonyoung. It's nice to meet you." Sy raised his hand for a handshake. It took a few seconds for Sc to respond because first, this man is seated next to his husband when there's another open seat. Second, Uji? That's a new one. Third, it's been a long time since his husband has called him Hon. It's always "you" or none at all.

"Oh. Hi. I'm Seungcheol. Jihoon's husband."

The lunch went well. Sc learned that Sy is fun to be with. Sy is the talkative type. Someone who loves to be babied by everyone. he's gotten close to Sc to the point that Sc felt his jealousy is totally unwarranted since the man is just being himself. They ended the lunch with a picture. Sy asked him if it was okay to post and he said yes. Sc finally said goodbye and left. A few minutes later, he received a notification coming from Sy and his twt account was tagged.

Sy posted: "Delicious lunch made by Prod. Dir. Woozi's husband, @scheol.

Their photo was posted below it. That jealousy was really unwarranted.

Soon after, there was an interview for Ji. Under one segment of it, his marriage life was talked about. Ji played it out as a successful marriage despite their busy schedules. He was then asked to leave out a message for Sc.

" Hon, I met you when we were younger and we're still together now. Please don't you ever forget that you're the love of my life."

Many questions were asked. The interview went long. Yet all Sc knew as he read between the lines, was that their marriage was just 5 sentences long in a 3-pages interview in the magazine. It was long-winded about how Ji's success and there was a part where he thanked Sy for being part of their label and how he's an important chess piece in his success.

That night after reading the interview, he wanted to ask for a date at least to reaffirm to himself that Ji still feels the same way.

As he stared at the man's face, he didn't realize the man was still awake and blurted out how he wanted a date but expectedly he got instant rejection.

As he pressed his back on the bed, it made him think of the message left for him by Ji.

I'm the love of his life but am I really the love of his life? You're the love of my life. You are the love of my life - the truth is I am no longer hurt by your rejections. All I got are questions. Where do I begin? Is it from the time I noticed you're no longer home? Is it from the time I no longer remember the last time you called me Hon? Or was it when I met Soonyoung? He was an amazing man. Even I cannot deny it. Soonyoung might have not noticed it but I do. How you look at him with affection. How you treated him the way you did with me when you were still in lo- you were. Oh...

I've learned in my years of studying that "you're" is a contraction of "you" and "are" but, although perceived as grammatically incorrect, "you're" could probably also mean "you were" and although I've learned just learned to understand you, it still pains me to think that when you said the sentence "you're the love of my life", it could also mean "you were the love of my life".

Sc faced the back of the man he loves but no longer has any expectations with.

I'll stay for as long as I'm needed though tell me when I no longer serve my purpose. I hope you do before the wick turned to ashes.

[just-here-for-the-moment]

File 13_Subject: Agent Whiskey’s behavior at the gun range

Declassified HR Files Series Masterlist - a collaboration between @driedgreentomatoes and @just-here-for-the-moment

@halalinstreetsharaminsheets - we got the details on that gun range rumor you alerted us about!

Summary: Jack gets handsy with a trainee Warnings: There's a tattle-tale in their midst --- From: marvin@statesman.training To: champ@statesman.internal Date: March 25, 2011 11:12 AM Subject: Agent Whiskey’s behavior at the gun range

Hi Champ,

We have had two separate issues with Agent Whiskey this week. I am sorry to be the one to have to bring it up. I was going to keep my nose out of it but with them coming one right after another it seems like you may want to have a chat with him. I thought he had finished his sexual harassment training?

Yesterday morning were the individual trainee evaluations at the indoor range. Jack seemed to be very hands-on with one of the young lady trainees and there was some awfully flirty language going on when I walked by.

Then at the outdoor range this morning, there was a second incident where the trainees were doing “sniper crawl” training. I saw Whiskey leaning over the same trainee with his hands on her hips. She moaned a noise that was not appropriate outside of her sleeping quarters, and said, “Oh Jack!”

He also repeatedly told another trainee “good girl,” which seems like it skirts the line of professionalism.

Thanks, Marv -------------------- From: champ@statesman.internal To: whiskey@statesman.internal Date: March 25, 2011 11:15 AM Fwd: Agent Whiskey’s behavior at the gun range

Jack,

None of this sounds good, son. You wanna offer an explanation or should I just assume the worst?

//Champ -------------------- From: champ@statesman.internal To: whiskey@statesman.internal Date: March 25, 2011 2:19 PM Fwd: Agent Whiskey’s behavior at the gun range

Jack,

Respond now, please. We’ve talked about you taking too long to get back to me on urgent emails.

//Champ -------------------- From: whiskey@statesman.internal To: champ@statesman.internal Date: March 25, 2011 2:46 PM Re: Fwd: Agent Whiskey’s behavior at the gun range

First, this is all a misunderstanding, and second, I took so long to email back because I am fit to be tied! The fact that Marv would accuse me of messing around with a trainee really sticks in my craw.

At yesterday’s individual evaluations at the indoor range, the little blonde lady (Trainee 6) was sticking her butt out instead of bending her knees for stability. I put my hands on the outside of her hips once to push her back into place, same as I would do for any other recruit. Unfortunately when I said “Tuck your butt under” she said “I’d rather you tuck it in for me.”

And did Marv tell you MY response? Or is he only reporting the dirty talk this girl subjected me to? Because I told her straight up that sauciness wasn’t going to help her pass the shooting test and that she needed to get herself back in line before she loses her shot at the program.

Today’s sniper crawl training was the same mess. Blondie kept sticking her butt up out of the mud and if you do that in the field you’re liable to get your ass shot clean off.

I bent over exactly once to push her hips back down so she wouldn’t get barbed wire injuries to her rear end while crawling under the obstacle course. And yes, her response was extremely inappropriate. When she moaned, “Oh, Jack!” I told her, “It’s Agent Whiskey to you.”

And the “good girl” (Trainee 14) really IS the only good one out of the whole class. If it were up to me, we’d dismiss the rest of them today and just keep her on board. She’s efficient and twice as deadly in target practice as the rest of them.

Might be a real fine asset for Statesman, especially if we don’t have to waste time training the rest of these duds. And Marv needs to mind his own business - he’d find something to gripe about even if he had a ham under each arm.

JACK -------------------- From: champ@statesman.internal To: whiskey@statesman.internal Date: March 25, 2011 2:54 PM Re: Fwd: Agent Whiskey’s behavior at the gun range

I see. I think we will dismiss Trainee 6 this afternoon. It sounds like her mind’s not on her work. And I’ll take a closer look at Trainee 14’s records to see if there’s anything there.

I’m sorry I assumed the worst. Thank you for filling me in on the information that was missing from Marv’s view of things.

//Champ -------------------- From: whiskey@statesman.internal To: champ@statesman.internal Date: March 25, 2011 3:01 PM Re: Fwd: Agent Whiskey’s behavior at the gun range

Thank you Champ, I appreciate it. I hope you know I wouldn’t ever mess up a trainee’s chances with that kind of foolishness.

JACK -------------------- -------------------- From: champ@statesman.internal To: marvin@statesman.training Date: March 25, 2011 3:19 PM Subject: Gun range concerns

Hi Marv,

Thank you for letting me know your concerns. Apparently there was quite a bit more to the story and it seems you may have only witnessed part of the picture.

As far as Agent Whiskey is concerned, his behavior was up to Statesman standards, and I’m not worried about these incidents.

//Champ -------------------- From: marvin@statesman.training To: champ@statesman.internal Date: March 25, 2011 3:38 PM Re: Gun range concerns

Hi Champ,

That’s good to know. Sorry I alarmed you.

Enjoy your evening,

Marv ---

<<File 12 : File 14>>

@anaaaispunk @justanotherblonde23 @gracie7209 @nicolethered @honestly-shite @driedgreentomatoes @dihra-vesa @1800-fight-me @the-queen-of-fools @juletheghoul @kesskirata @honeymandos @silverwolf319 @mourningbirds1 @greeneyedblondie44 @spacedilf @maxwell–lord @anxiousandboujee @cevvie @quica-quica-quica @sherala007 @writeforfandoms @libellule2001 @elegantduckturtle @lagoona89 @halalinstreetsharaminsheets @donnaa @eri16 @idolized-sea-salt

[spenciegoob]

The Fifteenth

A/N: I’m so sorry in advance.

Pairing: Spencer!POV x Fem!Reader

Category: Angst/Fluff

Content Warning: death of a major character, talk of drug abuse, mentions of blood/cases (usual criminal minds terminology), mentions of panic attack/depression

Masterlist

Word Count: 2,163

____

As I sat down with the woman that made me feel whole, I felt the familiar serenity of her presence fill my senses even as the rain around us poured down in sheets. The pressure felt like sharp, cold glass sinking into my skin, but with her in front of me, I couldn’t find myself to care because her warmth held me like it was always meant to do.

“Hi, sweet girl. Do you remember the day you told me I was your world for the first time? I think about it everyday. I wish I could go back and just-”

She laid her head on my bare chest, her hair spreading out to tickle my sides, and her arms tucked securely around my back. Usually, a position so intimate would cause me a great deal of discomfort, but with her it felt natural; peaceful; perfect.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” She asked out of the blue. Even as a whisper, the question startled me. Before, in the moments of serene quiet, her breathing evened out, and I thought she was fast asleep. I was about to allow myself the relief of saying everything I couldn’t find the perfect words for when she was awake, looking at me with those loving eyes I fell in love with.

“I love you, too, Y/n.” But that answer did not satisfy her. She pulled her head from it’s previous position to look at me directly, and while I love to look at those eyes, the tears that welled there were gut twisting: soul crushing; heart wrenching.

“I mean it, Spence. You are my whole world.” A tear escaped when the words left her mouth, the ones that caused my own eyes to water, threatening to join hers.

I brushed my thumb across her cheek, catching the fallen drop before it finalized on my chest.

“And you are mine, sweet girl.”

“But what I meant to say was you’re not mine. Y/N, you are bigger than my world. You are the sun, the one that I rotate, the light that I need to survive, the power source that keeps me habitable.”

I had to clear my throat before continuing. 

“The first day I met you, you unknowingly saved my life, and to this day, I regret not telling you until now. It was the day I quit. I didn’t understand it then, how my mind changed so suddenly, but now I do. It was that smile, it was always that smile-”

I need a fix. Just one. It was one of the worst cases I’ve ever worked. I deserved a fix. I would say it was out of my control once I set that text message, but it was long before that. The second the jet landed my mind had been made, and once that happens, not even me could stop it. 

So I walked out of my apartment into the night that held too many unknowns, pulling myself further into my jacket and keeping my head down. I know that no one knew me to judge, but if I were to look at the very few strangers as they walked past me to live their own equally as destructive lives, I would’ve felt daggers piercing my skin instead of a needle that night.

But then I turned a corner, and from my position with locked eyes on the concrete, I could see a head come into my vision, hit my chest, and fall to the ground.

“Oh my g- I’m so sorry I wasn’t loo-” I had started to explain myself before a giggle interrupted my plan. I allowed my eyes to forget the laser vision on the sidewalk, and meet the eyes of the source.

My god was she beautiful. Her eyes so full, looking up at me from the hard ground with something that could only be described as pure, unadulterated joy. 

“It’s quite alright, I wanted to be on the ground tonight, anyway.” I titled my head, peculiar with the beautiful strange woman on the ground, but when she let out another giggle at my confusion, I couldn’t help but let out a breathy chuckle.

And then she held her hand up, silently asking for help from the position I so rudely shoved her into. While I would usually politely decline hand-to-hand contact, it didn’t feel right to refuse to help her stand after I all but tackled her.

So I took her hand, and the warmth generating from her in the cool night was like a breath of fresh air after drowning for so long.

When she regained her balance in front of me, she asked the question I least expected her to.

“I was just on my way to get coffee. Would you like to join me?”

“Wha.. I um- I’m a stranger on the street that just pushed you to the ground, and you’re asking if I want to get coffee?” When she nodded, I asked her another question, hoping to be able to teach her a lesson in stranger danger she so obviously lacked.

“How do you know I’m not a murderer?”

“With kind eyes like yours? I find that highly unlikely.”

“How could I say no to you? Y/N, you were my guardian angel that night. I didn’t look back when you linked your arm with mine, and led me to your favorite coffee shop. I still go there, you know? I don’t even have to order anymore, they just silently start making my coffee when I make my presence known-”

“Can I have an iced french vanilla with 3 pumps of liquid sugar?” She asked the barista Sam who had already started punching in her order before Y/N started speaking.

“What the hell did you just order?” I couldn’t stop the question from leaving my lips. Whatever concoction the barista was making was quite possibly the weirdest coffee order I’ve ever heard.

“Hey, Sam, can you make it two?” She ordered another instead of answering my question. “Trust me, stranger on the street. It’ll change your life.”

“Oh, um, my name’s Spencer by the way.”

“Well, stranger on the street named Spencer, I’m Y/N, and it looks like our coffee’s ready,” she said to me with the most beautiful smile. That smile can cause grown men to drop to their knees. Quite frankly, I almost did. She was the most peculiar and intriguing woman I had ever met.

She grabbed the two cold drinks and sat on one of the many different couches around the tiny shop. I just watched, my eyes following her lead without my control as she put me in a trance her presence induced.

“You coming?”

“Oh, uh, yeah sorry.” She only giggled as I quickly shuffled my way to her. We were the only people in the cafe, not surprisingly so as it was 10:42 pm on January 15th, a Tuesday night.

“You, Spencer, are infatuating.”

“Me? Why me?”

“It has to be something in those eyes.” We stared deeply at each other for what felt like an eternity, even if it was merely a second too long. She was the one to pull away as if she was done studying whatever she found. 

With a deep inhale, she shook her head and handed me my beverage.

“Allow me to change your life?” She asked like I wouldn’t let her if she continued to beam at me the way she did.

But instead of freaking her out and saying that, I took the coffee from her hand, and hesitantly took a sip.

It was so sickeningly sweet, like drinking melted candy with the amount of sugar to send someone into sugar shock. It was perfect.

She was perfect.

“When I first started showing up to work with a large iced coffee that was basically cream with a dash of coffee bean, I got weird looks. Derek even made a couple comments, but I didn’t care. It was a part of you you decided to share with a stranger that night. Eventually I told them the story, and now when I walk into the bullpen with the same coffee like clockwork, they give me solemn looks, but no comments.”

“The day you met them was one of the best days of my life, even if it was by accident-”

“Reid and Morgan, I want you two to go down to the dump site. The woman who found the body is there, I want you to interview her.” Hotch’s voice boomed. It was a local case, and while no case is the end goal, the locality was enough.

I got to go home to lay in her arms.

Derek and I drove to the site, bouncing off theories to each other to fill the time. When we got there, news vans had already taken up most of the space, and a sea of reported crowded behind the barricade. 

We shuffled our way through, avoiding eye contact and the “dire” questions from the press. When we made it to the front and flashed our badges, one of the officers led us to the body.

A prostitute in an alley. Easy profile, not so easy scene. There was major overkill, the blood from the body deep in the hallway trailed all the way to the sidewalk. It was only 7 am, my theory being a morning jogger found the trail and followed it to the horror show.

“Do we know where the person who found the body is?” I asked the officer who was next to me.

“We tried to ask her questions, but she got too worked up and couldn’t breathe. She’s on the back of the ambulance now I believe.” A panic attack.

It wasn’t uncommon for an unready participate in a criminal investigation to have a panic attack. Not everybody was made to see such things.

Derek and I made our way over to the ambulance when we started to hear a very heated argument.

“I AM FINE! There’s no reason for thi-”

“Y/N?” There she was, sitting in the ambulance, fighting with the EMT who was just trying to do his job. I don’t know who I felt bad for more in this situation. She knew how to win an argument, trust me.

“Oh Spence, thank god.” She quickly got up to crash her body into mine. I don’t think there was a speed that would be sufficient when it came to how quickly I squeezed her back. “It was so scary.”

Her body started to shake with tears she was probably holding in. She didn’t like to cry in front of me for the longest time, let alone hundreds of cops, reporters and pedestrians. 

“I know, sweet girl. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m so sorry.” I ran my fingers through her hair. It aways calmed her down.

And it seemed to partially work, because she pulled her head from my chest to look up at me with wet cheeks and terrified eyes.

“I just... I was runni... She’s d-”

“It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s over now, okay?” Slowly she nodded, her eyes trailing down to her feet. That was until Derek spoke up. In the midst of my concern, I had completely forgotten he was there.

“Uh... what?”

“Oh Derek, this is Y/N. My uh, my girlfriend. Y/N this is Derek.” She looked up to find my baffled coworker looking between me and her and smiled. Hey, his stupidity got her to smile!

“So you’re the lady’s man he tells me about?” Shit.

“Hey now wait a minu-”

“Maybe we should go back to Quantico. You’ll be safe, and we can ask you questions when you’re ready, yeah?” I had to deflect quick, but Derek would rip me a new one for this.

We all piled into the SUV. I got in the back knowing that she gets car sick back there ever since she was a little girl.

“So, you and Spencer, huh?” Maybe that was a mistake.

“They loved you so much. I loved you so much. I still love you so much. I miss you every day of my life, but it doesn’t hurt to think about you anymore. Life gave us all the time it could spare, and I am so grateful I literally ran into you that Tuesday night 8 years ago. Sometimes I hate my mind, my eidetic memory is a curse on it’s own, but when it comes to you? The memories we shared I will never forget are the ones that keep me fighting. You still keep me going, sweet girl. You always will.”

With that, I got up and placed the sunflowers on top of her headstone, brushing off the dirt and leaves that accumulated during the fall season.

The rain stopped pouring then, and the sun shone down on me. On us.

My sun.

____

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[seoulnotes]

An Endless Summer — jjk

S Y N O P S I S | Jeon Jungkook decided to road trip across Europe—with the money his father had sent him overseas with so he could fix his act. Then maybe, might have picked up a lost and penniless girl at a gas station in London and proceeded to road trip with her across Europe cause why the heck not?

P A I R I N G | Jeon Jungkook, reader (y/n)

G E N R E | fluff, some angst (minuscule), romance, inexplicit ~smut~ (smut nonetheless, you’ve been warned) — road trip au ; NC-17

W A R N I N G S | mild cursing

W O R D C O U N T | 19.7k (aka, the longest one ever)

Seoul, South Korea

Jeon Jungkook would've played the perfect part for a drama. He would've set a flawless example of a rich, young heir gone wild if it hadn’t been such a negative title.

Jungkook was the type of man to live life by the second and enjoy every last drop of it. There were no such things as planning ahead for him, not even a week ahead. He partied till he saw the sun barely peeking over the horizon, drank as much alcohol his system could handle, at least before blacking out, and threw money around like it was pocket change. Hell, a couple hundred thousand won to him was pocket change.

Sure, he had his few flings here and there, but it was never too deep. Who would want to be tied down at such a young age?

And oh boy, did the media love to eat this all up before spitting it back out for the rest of the world to see in the worst form possible. The headlines would’ve been enough to give his parents a headache, not to mention nearly stopping his father’s heart every time he saw a new “scandal” involving his son.

Heir Jeon Jungkook with a mysterious woman? –He had been offering to buy her a drink. In fact, she had even rejected his offer for the drink that night. The photo was caught just as he slid the drink to her.

Jeon Jungkook, heir to Jeon Empire, in a bar fight?! –Okay, maybe a few punches were thrown. ‘But the asshole had it coming the moment he threw that insult at me,’ was what Jungkook explained it to his father as. That prompted a cut to one of his credit cards.

You'd think after that, Jungkook would take things down a couple notches. In fact, it was the complete opposite when he decided to take it up a few notches.

The list could’ve gone on with plenty more articles. Sure, he messed around a lot, but he wasn’t as bad as the media portrayed him as. It was clearly exaggerated. Yet, the lifestyle he lived wasn't ideal, at least not the one his father wanted him living in the public eye.

Jungkook liked to call it: simply living it up before he gets tied down to the company.

On the other hand, his father liked to call it: he’s completely out of his mind and needs to fix his act immediately.

And that is exactly why Jungkook is now sitting on the top floor CEO office of the main building of Jeon Empires with his father pacing before him while he, himself, was sitting with a foot casually resting over his knee as he leaned back into the leather seat.

“Jeon Jungkook, when are you going to get your act together?” Another exasperated sigh as the man’s hand went to his temples as if a quick massage would relieve his headache.

The question had Jungkook bringing up a hand to brush his hair back in annoyance. He rolled his eyes, surely his father wouldn’t catch it, or he would be sitting in deeper shit than he was now. Although this retort wasn't any better: “I haven’t done anything! The media blows everything out of proportion!”

The disrespectful tone laced in his tone had his father rubbing a hand down his face with another sigh. Jungkook had pushed his luck too far. “Get your act together. Go home, pack your bags, you’re going overseas to finish the summer and university before returning as a mature young man.”

The words caused Jungkook to perk up in his chair. “I am mature,” he retorted.

Personal grave dug? Check.

“You are not. You are acting like a boy, a child,” his father reached towards the desk behind him and picked up the pile of paper sitting on it. In one swift movement, the pile was dumped on the coffee table in front of Jungkook, spreading out messily for him to see the titles in all their glory.

Those damn articles.

“You are dismissed,” his father’s back was turned to him and all Jungkook could do was stand up, bow promptly, and leave the room. “Your mother will see to it you are packed and ready to leave in two days. I will not be there for your departure.”

It took all Jungkook had in him to not slam the door on the way out. The rage seeping through him almost had him blow a red light on the way home. He had barely managed to stop behind the line for pedestrians leaving a screeching sound in its wake. A sigh left his lips before he hit the wheel with his enclosed fist.

“What the fuck.”

–

And here he was, two days later, standing in the midst of a crowded airport as people buzzed around to make it to their flight while Jungkook wanted to do nothing more than walk as slowly as possible. Like hell, he didn’t even want to board his flight.

“Jungkook-ah,” his mother pulled him into a tight hug before running her hand in circles on his back. “I'll try to talk to your father and ask him to let you come home early.” She gave him a soft smile. She was always by his side to fill the void his father left behind. Though even at times, she scolded him for his reckless behavior, she saw the youth bloom in her son. He wanted to live it, not spend it being tied down to the title of “heir”. He was only twenty-two at the end of the day. “Just try to be a bit more responsible, hm? It's not always best to act irrationally.”

He knew what she had meant. She wanted him to be more mature; to think about the image of his family and company before taking any damaging actions.

The request she tagged on didn’t sit well with Jungkook, but he knew better. This farewell meant it would be a while before he would see his mother again. He nodded, complying with her request. “I'll try.”

“Goodbye, Jungkook-ah,” she patted his back once more before pulling away.

It was a bittersweet goodbye. He walked through those gates not knowing when he would step foot in Korea again. He turned to wave goodbye at his mother before stepping passed to security.

–

“I'm sorry sir, you can't be here.” The woman politely refused as she handed him back his ticket.

This entire trip wasn't going to be well for him. Security was the worst, of course. Now he was being refused into the first-class lounge. “Why not?” The irritation was clear in his voice as he gripped the ticket in hand.

“Sir, your ticket isn’t for first class.” Although she, herself, had slightly questioned the class he was taking judging by the attire the young man had worn. The Rolex watch that peeked through the folded sleeve of his shirt, a white dress shirt, with the first few buttons undone casually, the duffle bag he carried with the Saint Laurent brand name stitched across the leather in their signature ‘YSL’; why was he sitting in economy?

When checking his plane ticket once again, his eyes nearly bulged from their sockets and his jaw dropped wide open.

Economy class. The words were laid on the ticket in clear print. He had known his father to cruelly force him to take an airplane instead of one of the jets they owned, but he had at least expected first class.

It took all the self-control he could muster to not rip up the plane ticket and demand his father for a new one, one for first class.

“Excuse me, one second,” he gave the woman a brief and forced smile, one that meant he was trying his best to remain a decent composed human. He turned around quickly, reaching in his pocket to grab his phone. It was the first number on speed dial.

“Hello, this is Mr. Jeon speaking,” a casual voice answered. If Jungkook wasn't in such a dire situation, he would've noticed his father had switched phones again, and forgot to put his own son as a contact.

“Father, why (the fuck) am I flying in economy?” Jungkook seethed into the phone. He had considered adding the colorful language in the question but made the wise decision not to.

“Why would you need first class?” There was a certain tone behind the man’s opposition; his voice had a certain questionable edge. He was pushing Jungkook on edge as a threat; a threat to keep him in check because if he wasn't, things like this could be regular for him.

“Get me a first-class ticket. I won't be flying in economy,” the last part was seethed in a whisper as he clutched onto the phone.

“Goodbye Jungkook and enjoy your flight,” and with that, his father ended the call. He just ended the first battle and held the flag of victory while Jungkook was forced into a retreat.

His phone rang with a message:

[12:45 PM] Father: You will be taking economy class to the states and making sure it is that flight. If you do not leave on that flight, I will cut all your cards.

Jungkook rolled his eyes at the message almost sure his father wouldn't do that to him. Surely, the next message was enough to end his rebellious thoughts.

His phone rang:

[12:46 PM] Father: Do not doubt me. I will cut them this minute if needed.

Jungkook almost chucked his phone, almost. It only remained in his tight grasp. The phone had a bigger chance of breaking from the pressure of his grip rather than from him throwing it. He shoved his phone in his pocket as he not-so-happily checked the ticket again and made his way to his actual gate, the economy class gate.

For about twelve hours in his flight to London for a layover, Jungkook pitied himself the most on the entire planet. He sat, stuffed in that tiny uncomfortable seat of economy, with whatever asshole wouldn’t stop stretching their legs to hit his seat and an old lady who swore she needed extra arm space so she could read her newspaper, for twelve-fucking-hours.

On the bright side, his father was decent enough to book him a window seat.

The moment Jungkook stepped off the plane, he ran to the nearest ATM to check his credit cards. A sigh of relief passed his lips to realize they were left untouched as his father had promised.

As his mind drifted to the limit on his cards, a plan began forming and slowly, but surely, he found himself at one of those currency exchange booths with a slight smirk forming on his lips.

His father wanted to play hard, but Jungkook wasn't going to be so easily contained.

“Can I get in cash the maximum limit for these?” His English lessons had paid off well when the words came fluently from him. The man behind the booth looked confused as Jungkook pulled the four credit cards from their respective pockets in his wallet.

His cards each had a maximum limit of twenty million won. That amounted to eighty million won in cash and about sixty thousand some Euros. The man looked at Jungkook as if he had just grown three heads in front of him before slowly wiping the expression from his face and pointed toward the ATM again.

“I do not think that is possible here. You can withdraw cash from an ATM if needed. It will be in Euros.”

“Thank you!”

That is how Jungkook ended up with as much money as the ATM had for him to withdraw in a stack sitting with the other stack of cash his father gave him for “safety” in his duffle. He managed to withdraw barely one-fifth of a card. With time on his hands, he skipped about the airport and withdrew the rest of the card bit by bit until he had reached barely his maximum. The others he’ll manage somehow, but it had to be fast before his father found out.

“Can I exchange this?” He was back at the currency exchange booth with the cash his father had given him. The man’s expression was horrified as the stack was dumped on the counter. It remained the same as he counted the Euros in exchange for the cash and handed them over to Jungkook. “Perfect. Thank you,” he placed the money in his duffle. His luggage was sitting in baggage claim by the time he arrived. As he towed his suitcase, he planned his next move.

The plan was simple.

Transfer as much money as he could from his cards to Euros for back up.

Use the cards until his father finds out he isn't in the states.

The backup money will be used; £60,000 some would be enough.

Rent a car, a nice one, and road trip in Europe. (Thank god the border crossings would be no big deal.)

Enjoy his time for the rest of the summer before returning to Korea for the consequences.  

Oh, would Mr. Jeon be so delighted to find out his son is running around in Europe instead of being in the states preparing for another year in University.

Turns out renting a car was tougher than he had thought. As he planned to cross borders, a nice car wasn't an option. That was until he waved an extra couple thousand to convince them for a nice Range Rover.

Jungkook hadn't established where he wanted to go so his first night was spent devising the cities he wanted to visit.

He had three months, let's make it worth it.

London, the United Kingdom

Jungkook soaked in all he could of the nice hotel room because he knew sooner or later, his card would be cut. He had known he wanted to explore the city at least for a bit so he left his luggage at the room and drove off into the city.

The weather was nice to greet him with rain the moment he had arrived. His luck also ran perfect when a beeping sound told him that the tank was almost empty. Great, what company rents cars without giving at least half a tank nonetheless an empty tank.

So, his first outing in London was spent at a gas station, in the rain.

That's where you first met him. In front of a gas station. In the rain.

Jungkook had paid for the gas and was stopped short at the entrance of the gas station by the heavy rain. It wasn't this heavy when he was just in his car. He ran inside the station to see if he could buy an umbrella. Just his luck, he also stopped at one of the farther pumps.

He saw you soaked in the front of the shop and held the open umbrella over your head.

“If this is your way of trying to pick me up for the night, it isn't going to work,” the faint familiar accent in your English had his ears perk up.

“I wasn't trying to pick you up for the night,” he responded in Korean. “It's called being nice,” the rest in English.

Your jaw dropped when you heard the familiar language. Suddenly you felt more secure having heard your native tongue. “You're Korean? You speak Korean?”

“No, I do not,” he responded back in Korean, the sarcasm thick in his voice. He was still holding the umbrella over the both of you, although it was barely enough to cover you both. The backpack on you were carrying was soaked as well as your shoulder from the one-person umbrella. “Are you a local?”

“Far from it.”

“Then what are you doing here? It's a long way from home.” He had no idea why he suddenly took interest in sparking up a conversation with a stranger at a gas station.

“I could ask you the same.” You finally lifted your head and took a look at the stranger who was shielding you from the rain.

“Didn’t answer my question.”

You scoffed and kicked at the cement. “I’m not about to explain my whole reason being here to a complete stranger.”

A hand stuck in front of you. “I’m Jungkook. Not a stranger, now am I?” He gave you a humorous smile.

And for some strange unknown reason, you grabbed his hand and shook it with a small smile. Then for an even stranger unknown reason, you said, “I’m y/n and I guess not.”

Jungkook stood staring at you with the same interest in his eyes. He was waiting.

You sighed, “You wouldn’t want to hear my story anyway. It's long and way too overly boring.” You crossed your arms and watched as the rain continued to fall. The sound of rain hitting the concrete filled the air as you both stayed silent.

“Lucky for you, I have nothing but time on my hands and how boring the story is, is up for interpretation of the listener, isn’t it?” His smile was nice and made you suddenly want to trust the complete stranger. Perhaps it was his easy charming appearance and curious doe eyes or the comfort of hearing the language of your home.

So that ended up being the time you spilled your entire life story to a random stranger who was nice enough to hold an umbrella for a good half hour in the rain for you.

You always wanted to travel and thought for a split second, dropping everything and taking all the money you had with you to a foreign country would be the best idea. You'd only realized how dumb your plan was when you were locked up on an airplane for eleven hours headed to Europe. It wasn't your biggest mistake actually. The city was beautiful, breathtaking even. It had filled your wanderlust so amazingly. Unfortunately, some cab drivers weren't the nicest upon hearing your foreign accent and decided upon themselves to scam you of your money, especially the last cab you took.

Now here you were, lost and having close to no money, practically penniless, at a gas station in London.

“I thought it was a good idea, to be honest, but look where it got me.” You sighed, it felt like the millionth sigh that left your lips ever since you’ve arrived at this city. It hadn't even been a few days in the foreign city before you had been scammed of so much money. You couldn't even afford a plane ticket back, not like you had even planned to from the beginning.

“Look, it stopped raining.” Jungkook shook the umbrella in front of you slightly before shutting it.

Great, your story had been so long that the rain had stopped. “Sorry about that,” you felt your cheeks heat slightly. The embarrassment was evident; you'd taken too long to explain your story to a stranger.

“Come with me. You can stay with me at my hotel until we fix this.” It was an offer.

“We? This isn't your problem, don't worry yourself. I wasn’t looking for sympathy when I told you what happened.” You let out a laugh at his statement while shaking your head. The after-rain smell began to seep into the air.

“Come on. Just one night. I won't make any moves, I promise,” he held his hands up and you chuckled slightly.

You felt a mutual trust for an odd reason and nodded. Maybe it was because he spoke Korean that gave you the trust. You fished for reasons to accept his offer and that was the only reasonable one. Besides, you didn’t really have anywhere to go. “Okay.”

He took the small suitcase from you and put it in the trunk.

“You're not going to try and rob me of all my money, right?” He joked as you approached the passenger side of the car.

“Of course, I definitely am,” you didn't know whether your response with a joke was appropriate. Your worries settled when you heard a chuckle from his side of the car as he opened the fuel door of the car.

“Thank you,” you let out quietly. You weren’t sure if he heard as you opened the passenger side and sat down.

“You’re welcome.” It came just as you shut the door.

–

“Welcome to my humble abode,” Jungkook brought his hands up to the space of the room. The view almost had you floored.

“Are you a millionaire or something?” You sped towards the window before pressing your face against it to get a better look at the city below. The traffic bustled below as people filled the streets in search of a fun night. The nightlife of the city was bright and busy. Looking into the distance of the old city, the buildings were lit up among the Thames and above the buildings, stars lived and shined in the night sky.

“Just have some money saved up and decided to splurge on this trip,” he shrugged as he sat on the couch, pulling his arms behind his head. “You can sleep on the bed if you want. I’ll take the couch.”

Jungkook had no idea what compelled him to hide the fact that it wasn’t just some money saved up. He figured it wasn’t important and definitely not a situation where he needed to be giving any elaborate answers. Nevertheless, it didn’t seem like the right thing to do. You had indeed told him your circumstances.

As tempting as the offer sounded, you still questioned, “Are you sure? I mean, it’s your room, not mine. The couch is good enough.”

“Well, if you insist,” he jumped onto the bed before stretching his legs out with a wide smile. The sudden action almost had your jaw drop, but it was already shown by your wide eyes. A chuckle slipped from him before he sat up. “I’m just joking. You look like you actually need to sleep. Take the bed.” The tone in his voice meant he wasn't joking.

You smiled sheepishly before dropping your bag on the floor. “Why are you trusting me? I'm a complete stranger.” You could ask yourself the same question about him.

He shrugged before shooting you another smile. “You seem like someone worth trusting.”

Silence settled in the room and you finally took notice of the stranger that offered kindness and light to your shitty situation. I mean besides the stolen glances you took at his side profile on the drive to the hotel. From that, you concurred he was deadly handsome–deadly. This time you notice his bright smile close resemblance to a bunny and how his eyes also carry the same feeling when he smiled.

Then you realized that you were staring for too long and words fell from your lips quickly to cover the silence. “Thank you again, by the way,” you said, as you took a seat at the edge of the mattress. “I'll leave by tomorrow.”

“No problem and you can stay longer if you need,” another smile. You were sure so many people could fall for his easy and kind personality.

You nodded your head in appreciation. But you weren’t going to stay.

The night went by easily. He ordered room service for both of you making you wonder how much he had exactly saved up to be spending money like this in Euros, especially if they had been exchanged from wons.

You did end up sleeping in the bed like he had told you to because, by the end of the meal, he was ready to lay onto the couch with his phone in hand. You kneeled by the couch and unzipped your suitcase, picking up a t-shirt and shorts.

“I’ll go take a shower?” You felt as if you were asking permission. Well, you kind of were. It was still his hotel room and you were still the one intruding. Your thump was aimed towards the bathroom.

“Okay,” his eyes never left his phone.

You closed the door behind you and took a deep breath. You really had accepted help from a stranger, and you were in his hotel room. You still wondered if you’d taken the best choice because right now, something about this whole situation screamed stupid to you.

The thought never quite left your mind as you drenched yourself in the hot water, working out the knots in your body. You arrived in the main room with a towel on your neck as you worked to dry your hair.

“Night,” Jungkook reached over to turn the light off in the room. Only the lamp on the nightstand remained on.

You laid underneath the sheets with the will to fight the oncoming sleep as much as possible. Sleeping with your hair wet wasn’t a good thing, but it was nearly impossible when your body grew warm underneath the sheets. Fighting the weight on your eyelids became mission impossible when you fell into the arms of sleep.

–

You were awakened by the smell of breakfast and woke up to Jungkook drinking coffee and a bag of McDonald’s breakfast on the coffee table. He promptly reminded you breakfast was the most important meal of the day before shoving the paper bag your way, even when you refused.

You almost choked on a piece of the heavenly hash brown when Jungkook suggested—

“Come with me.” The statement was promptly followed by your coughing.

“I’m sorry, what?” You patted on your chest in an attempt to help the coughing. Jungkook chuckled and handed you a bottle of water.

“Come on the rest of the trip with me,” he shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. “You want to travel right? So, come with me.” He took another sip of his coffee casually as if his offer was nothing. Your eyes grew wide.

He did know that you’d just met yesterday right? That even if you had joined him, you were broke and there was no way you could pay for gas, food, nonetheless, half of a hotel room.

“That’s not possible.” You said whilst shaking your head.

“Why not?”

“First, we literally just met and are practically strangers. Second, with what money? Did you forget the part where I said I don’t have any?”

Jungkook smiled in amusement before countering back, “First, I thought we went over this yesterday. We’re not strangers, we know each other’s names. Second, with the money I have. There’s enough for this trip and my plus one, who will be you.” He had stated as-a-matter-of-factly.

Your jaw nearly dropped. He was offering to pay for your dream trip, but you weren’t that type of person. It wasn’t right. “Well, I can’t just leech off of you so no.”

“Consider it a gift.”

“No,” your answer would never change. Not in a million years. You sat back and crossed your arms with a look telling him you wouldn’t change your mind.

“Fine,” the smile washed from his face slightly. “I’m going to be staying here for a few more days while I sort out some stuff so stay with me for these days and then tell me your final answer.” He said it as if there was no option for you to decide.

As it turned out, there was absolutely no room for you to decide. Even when you had remained headstrong on not staying with him and spending his money, you lost in the end. Jungkook stood up, fists in the air with a victorious smile when you silenced yourself. There was never room to win from the beginning.

“Only these couple of days and you can leave and be on your way to wherever you’re going next,” you pointed a finger at him. You didn’t know why you agreed, you just did.

“You tell me your answer when these couple days are over. Now, let’s get going,” he hopped up from his spot on the couch, tucking his phone into his pocket.

“Where?” You stood up quickly and paused as you remembered the clothes you had on.

Jungkook paused and brought a hand up to raise a pair of sunglasses to his head. “The bank. I need to sort out something. Go wash up first,” he gave you a cheeky smile as he glanced at your state.

Honestly, you knew you looked like hell. After sleeping in a nice bed for the first time since you've landed here, your hair was in a knotted mess atop your head.

“I'll be out in ten,” you grabbed the bag of toiletries from your suitcase and headed towards the bathroom.

–

“It took longer than ten minutes. Do you know how long you kept me waiting dying to explore the city?” You heard a hint of humor in his voice. He slipped the sunglasses down the rim of his nose and he stared at you with a funny face and brows raised.

“How long?”

“Eleven minutes. One minute longer than you said,” he pointed an accusatory finger in your direction after tapping his imaginary watch.

“Oh hush,” you gave him a light shove on his shoulder.

His lips split into a grin as he led you from the room, closing the door behind him. “One minute we could be spending doing something exciting!” He shouted behind him.

The hotel lobby was buzzing with people, excited to dive into the city and you two were a part of the madness as Jungkook grabbed your arm and began tugging you towards the door.

He seemed even more excited to enter the city than you. You noticed the huge grin on his face as he raced towards the front door. You stumbled a few steps from his pace. “Someone seems excited,” you commented with a laugh.

The day consisted of Jungkook driving to various banks across the city and a stream of sorrys and ‘I’ll be back in a few, I promise’ coming from him whenever you arrived at a new bank. You couldn’t be upset though because driving across the city meant you could see everything. No, you weren’t exploring, but you were still amazed with wide eyes watching every place you passed by. It was a preview of what was to come when you would actually go out and explore the city.

It did end up taking up the entire day, but as night fell, Jungkook parked his car in an unfamiliar parking lot. The building in front of the parking lot had lights hanging in the front, stringing across the entrance of the restaurant.

“Where are we?” You asked, but Jungkook only got out from his side and approached yours before you’d realized the situation. His hand pulling open the car door.

“My apology for dragging you around the city today: dinner under the stars,” he bowed his head slightly and held his hand out to which you took. “Well, not exactly under the stars, but it’s outdoors so I guess it counts, right?”

You couldn’t help the laugh that fell from your lips as you allowed him to guide you towards the restaurant.

You ended up with a table outside next to the restaurant walls adorned with twinkling lights streamed along the walls.

“A date?” You didn’t know what compelled you to speak exactly what was on your mind without a second thought, but you cursed yourself under your breath the moment you registered what you asked. It was meant to be a joke, but you realized how bad it sounded when it actually left your lips.

“Only if you want it to be,” Jungkook answered smoothly, pulling out a chair, waiting for you to sit.

You took the chair with that dumb smile on your lips because yes, Jungkook had managed to respond to your comment in the best way possible.

As you both began to skim the menu, the waiter appeared asking for what drinks you’d like. You promptly responded with water while Jungkook asked for a Coke.

“Jungkook, I would have been more than excited if we went to some convenient store to get sandwiches. This place is way too expensive.” He already knew you barely had money, yet he decided to bring you to a restaurant where a Coke costs nearly £4.

“I said it was my apology to you. Therefore, I am paying.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to order much more than a soup and salad combo while Jungkook didn’t hold himself back and ordered a 20-ounce steak.

Really, you were fine with what you had. Jungkook, on the other hand, was not and he had a permanent pout on his face when the server returned with your meal.

“I’m going to be paying for the rest of the trip anyway, so get used to it,” he stuck a piece of steak in his mouth. “I don’t want to see another little bowl of that green stuff again,” he added with a feigned face of disgust as he pointed to your plate.

“Who said I was going on this trip with you? Besides, I can’t use your money like this,” you responded quickly, reminded of the backpack he kept with him while going to all the banks.

“It’s an inheritance from...,” he paused, “my grandfather.”

You left it there not wanting to question why he suddenly had the amount of money. You were still holding your ground on not allowing him to pay; you still had some money, you weren’t completely broke.

You couldn’t even fight to try and pay the bill when the meal was over. Jungkook slipped away to the “bathroom” while you waited for him.

“The bathroom, huh?” You noted while you both walked out of the restaurant.

“I did go!” His hands rose in defense. “I just also happened to pass by the waiter on the way back,” his sentence laced with his sly tone as he smiled widely.

Jungkook still jumped in front of you, quick to open the car door and you didn’t know what to do when he continued to be so damn charming.

–

Admittedly, you never had that amount of fun in your entire life as you did during the week you spent with Jungkook in London. You both did the usual touristy things that everyone did visiting the attractions the city had to offer. Those included visiting the infamous Big Ben, Tower Bridge, and the London Eye.

Yet, out of all the activities the city had to offer to sedate your wanderlust, your favorite was honestly spending late nights chatting at the cafe a block from your hotel that opened late hours with a cup of coffee. Those you did not let Jungkook pay for.

You learned a lot about him in those late-night chats. You learned that he loved to sing and prompted him to sing you a chorus of his favorite song and after constantly bringing it up a few nights in a row, he finally did. He gracefully sang out the chorus of an old favorite and you didn’t know he could become more charming until the first note was sung. You also noticed the way his eyes lit up in a way they never did before while he wasn’t singing as if singing lit up a spark inside him.

You learned he was a big gamer. That when he wasn’t out and about, he could be tied down to his dual-screened desktop, gaming hours on end.

On the same night, Jungkook learned that you sucked at gaming to which he playfully frowned at you. You told him your aim sucked and when you teamed with your other friends, they would always have to carry your ass through the round while you missed every shot you fired at the enemy. That elicited a howling laugh from him and he claimed he had to make you better in the future.

You learned that he became independent at a young age with his father tied to his work. He didn’t easily share his life with others because of the detachment he had. He commented shortly, you were the first person to which he had told that side of him to. He didn’t discuss more than that and you knew not to ask about more than what you were told.

You told him how you were the oldest and your parents relied on you to help your younger siblings when they focused on working. You told him about how you learned to cook and do chores at a young age so you could take better care of your siblings; how you wrote out almost every check from your parents’ accounts to pay for the bills. You told him briefly that when you became legal and decided to travel with money you had saved, your parents disapproved of your plans and no one saw you off at the airport.

Tonight would be his last night in this city before traveling to another. You still didn’t know what you would do after.

“My offer still stands.” He mentioned this every night.

Your brows crinkled in confusion. “I can’t just use you like that and I still can’t comprehend why you would offer something like that to me.”

“y/n, I promise you money is not an issue to me. You aren’t using me if I offer it openly, right?” The corner of his lips tugged into a small smile.

You shook your head lightly. “It just doesn’t feel right.”

Regardless of how much you wanted to take this once in a lifetime offer, it really did not feel right. You stared at the coffee mug between your hands.

“How about I professionally hire you to take photos for me on this trip? Come on, I snuck a glance at your wallpaper. If you take photos like that, it’s worth it,” he suggested.

That was a lie. You only had your phone to take photos, photographer my ass.

At that moment, you got that random feeling of why the hell not and you felt something shift inside you as you mumbled a quiet, “Okay.”

Jungkook’s smile grew as he teasingly responded, “Hm?”

“Okay, I’ll go with you, exclusively as your photographer.” He was grinning from ear to ear. “But you’re going to sleep in the bed tonight. I don’t want a sleep-deprived driver tomorrow.”

And that is how you ended up agreeing to travel around Europe with Jungkook.

—

London en route to Amsterdam

You both woke up the next morning having no idea where the hell to go next. After hours of debate, you managed to roughly mark out destination cities to visit in the next eight weeks leaving a week for each to spend at to explore.

Your plan was to head to Amsterdam first.

—

“You know, I don’t even know your last name, but I decided to travel with you for three months,” you threw out randomly. Your eyes were focused on the passing cars outside of the window.

“Jeon,” he answered simply. You turned your attention back to him, his eyes trained on the road ahead of him and you found yourself staring maybe just a little bit with your chin on your hand.

“So Jeon Jungkook,” your fingers tapped your chin as if in thought. “I think I like the sound of your full name better, Jeon Jungkook.”

“Now it wouldn’t be fair for me to tell you mine and you, not yours.” Not a moment went by when he didn’t want to make the situation light-hearted. His eyes flickered to you for a moment and you shifted your sight somewhere else.

“Mr. Jeon, my last name is y/l/n.” You emphasized his name.

“So, Miss y/l/n,” he mocked in the same tone and the blinker in the car turned on as he changed the lane as per the GPS’s directions. The car was silent again except for the low music playing.

Jungkook began to hum to the song, eventually singing softly and you felt at peace listening to his voice and watching as the landscape changed from cement walls to trees. It was just enough for your eyelids to begin to feel heavy.

Amsterdam, the Netherlands

One pit stop for a few hours and a ton of snacks later, you arrived at a hotel in the heart of the city.

“Shit,” he muttered. The swiping of the credit card only popped up a ‘declined’ on the screen. His father had finally caught on after he’d jumped a city over. He slid the card back into the slot in his wallet. “I’ll pay in cash then,” he responded in English, a grim smile painted on his lips.

You only could stand beside him and watch the transaction. The lady behind the hotel counter almost furrowed her eyebrows. It was rare that someone would pay for a hotel room with cash, but surely, Jungkook reached into the backpack of his and pulled out the amount for the room.

You kept your surprise to yourself. No wonder, the receptionist was confused herself as you watched Jungkook hand over nearly fifteen hundred Euros in cash.

In less than half an hour, you two were making your way to the room, keycard in Jungkook’s hand. The front lock beeped as Jungkook opened the door pulling his suitcase behind him, and held the door open for you to pass through as well.

“Thanks,” you gave a small grateful smile as you rolled your suitcase into the room.

“How ‘bout that?” Jungkook grinned, his free hand gesturing to the two full-sized beds in the main space of the room.

“I would have been fine with a pull out sofa or something,” basically, you didn’t have to book a room with two beds. You remembered how Jungkook specifically left the last hotel that claimed all their rooms with two beds had been booked.

Jungkook only waved away your statement. It would be back and forth again if Jungkook responded. He only laid down dramatically on one of the beds, the sunglasses laying on his forehead falling back as he sighed, “So, what should we do?”

You laid your suitcase down next to the bed adjacent to the one he claimed and threw down your backpack and mirrored his actions. Although you didn’t drive, you had to admit that a seven-hour drive with minimal stops was tiring. After all, you had given yourself the self-proclaimed job of GPS assistant, keeping your eyes on the device and road to make sure Jungkook was going the right way.

A brief silence passed.

A rustle sounded from beside you. You turned your head to the now sitting up Jungkook as he glanced at his watch. “It’s pretty late. Wanna grab dinner and call it a night?” His eyes flitted to you.

“Sounds like a plan,” you rose slowly from the bed. From outside the balcony, a streak of lightning flashed across the hues of the sunset. You admitted internally it was something to behold your eyes… that was until the rumbling thunder followed, and the rain began pouring.

Then Jungkook’s phone cried bloody murder warning of the flash flood warning.

“Room service?” He glanced at you sheepishly.

–

The rain did not let up for the rest of the evening and not for the next day as you both realized when you checked the weather app. However, the weather was nothing compared to your thirst to explore the city waiting outside your hotel room.

Unfortunately, the dull scenery forced your plans to be mostly indoors unlike your ideas of exploring the outdoors with all of Amsterdam’s beautiful bridges, canals, and row houses along with them.

After exploring a few museums including the Van Gogh museum, you had both found yourselves at another cafe just as the sun began to set.

“I guess the cafe rituals at night will continue,” Jungkook pulled a chair out for you.

“I guess it does, but to be fair, I wanted to try the to-die-for desserts they have,” you responded.

That’s how with a simple cup of hot tea, you both spent the following two nights with a different Dutch dessert, talking until the moon was high in the sky, and you both felt tired to the point where it became easy to just mumble out a conversation.

You both became stars drunk on the moonlight.

–

You manage to fill nearly a hundred photos on your phone with all your eyes could catch in the week. Yes, they were almost half of the beautiful bridges, canals, and row houses. Even a simple thing such as a ride on the subway caught your eye enough to snap an Instagram worthy photo.

Your last was deemed as a relaxing day, a less touristy day. You both headed to the Albert Cuypmarkt, a popular street market in the city. Your interest was piqued at the numerous amounts and variety of items the market had to offer. In the middle of the street, your eyes fell onto the most wonderful flower stall. The stall itself nearly grew to life with the vibrant rainbow assortment of flowers.

You didn’t even know your own feet had been gravitating towards the stall. You paused to take a photo, and the owner immediately began to offer flowers your way which you had politely refused.

“Pick your favorite ones,” Jungkook spoke beside you.

“I can’t,” you were conjuring a way to refuse his offer.

“Go ahead, my treat.”

You were beginning to dislike the two words, ‘my treat’. You felt guilt every time he offered anything to be his treat because everything basically was.

You shook your head, glancing at the vibrant bundle of various colored tulips. “We’re leaving tomorrow anyway, where would we put them?”

The stall owner stepped towards Jungkook with the various colored tulips and whispered something to him before handing him the tulips. Before you could interfere, Jungkook had handed over money.

“Thank you,” he smiled brightly, hand outstretched to shake the stall owner’s.

“Your girlfriend was looking at them!” The stall owner exclaimed happily, smiling at you.

Before you could correct his statement, Jungkook spoke. “I saw too,” he gave a wink in your direction.

You returned the smile. You were sure he responded that way for a less complicated answer, but in no way, did his response make you feel your heart speed up a few beats. Although, your mind was definitely still trying to figure out how to respond to Jungkook’s insistence to buy you whatever you laid your eyes on next time.

The stall owner continued a small conversation with Jungkook, asking if he was on a vacation and where he was from. Before long, you both had made your way from the stall further down the street.

“Ah, my arms! This is so heavy, can you hold it?” Before you could respond, the bouquet of beautiful tulips were shoved into your arms to admire. You had to admit, the Netherlands tulips were ones like you never seen before; so vibrant and colorful in your eyes.

“I told you we were going to leave. Where am I going to put them?” You couldn’t help the warm feeling in your chest. “Thank you,” your tone changed to a gentle one and you couldn’t help the smile beginning to form on your lips.

“You’re very welcome, miss y/l/n. I am very delighted you like them,” his arm swung around your shoulder, a casual gesture to him.

Although, it felt like something way more different than a casual gesture to you.

“Besides, we can just buy a book or something so you can dry the flowers or something,” he commented, his hand squeezing your shoulder lightly.

You had to shake your head a bit to retain focus on the conversation and not the weird feeling you had in your chest. “Y-yeah sounds like a plan!”

—

Amsterdam en route to Paris

You know what they say. There was never enough of McDonald’s greasy fries for a long road trip. Okay, no one really said that, but it is the truth. They hit home regardless of where in the world you were.

“So bad for you, but so freaking good!” You exclaimed with your mouth full of fries.

Jungkook reached his hand over to the bag of fast food sitting in your lap to grab a few fries of his own.

“I might have to ban you from picking our driving snacks if you decide to buy ten orders of McDonald’s french fries again,” Jungkook chuckled before tossing the fries into his mouth.

“I think I picked pretty dang good snacks,” you proclaimed, offering another fry to Jungkook.

He leaned over a bit with his mouth open. “Gotta keep both hands on the wheel,” he teased. His fingers danced on the wheel for emphasis.

You reluctantly fed him the fry. It didn’t cross your mind until after you both finished off two more containers of fries that it didn’t feel strange teasingly feeding him fries, but it sounded off to you.

“My hands are tired, you might have to risk a bit of safety to eat some fries if you want,” you placed a container of fries into the cup holder.

You swore that his bottom lip jutted out in the smallest bit of pout before he replied jokingly that you were being unfair and feeding him less so you could eat more of it.

Paris, France

The usual routine of Jungkook asking to book a room for a week after you both spent time arguing at a parking lot about which hotel to pick. You wanted the cheaper one whilst Jungkook insisted he needed a balcony and a view of the Eiffel Tower. He won.

You couldn’t wait, excitement buzzing through your veins, and barely managed to throw your suitcases into the room before your lust to explore took over.

And after a whole day of exploring, you were at another cafe as the sun set, ready to try all the desserts France had to offer.

–

“Don’t you just love it?” You brought your hands up around you and spun with a smile. “The atmosphere, the scenery, everything,” your smile grew in delight.

It would be an utter lie for Jungkook to not include you as part of the beautiful atmosphere around him. Your smile was utterly beautiful and he knew in his trip to Paris, he’d remember your face from every single moment. It was a genuine one; one that was rare for him to see in his life where everyone put on a show for their own gain.

You didn’t know about his wealth, his life, his future inheritances; maybe that’s why he never told you to begin with. It let him be different; he could be someone else without the price tag he seemingly wore every day while he was back home.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful,” and Jungkook had a small smile tugged on to his lips as he shoved his hands into his pocket and followed you. Even though there were crowds of tourists everywhere as you entered a bridge crossing over the Seine, it was still breathtaking.

You moved your way amongst the throng of people and made your way to the railing. “Take a picture for me!” You raised your hands into the air. “And you have to get the tower in the background!”

When a minute passed of you holding the pose, you turned around and grabbed the phone from his hand. A frown settled on your features. “Hey, why are these selfies of you?”

“I think I make quite the picture,” he joked. “Here, scroll further up.”

He had taken a few of you in the pose and you settled with a smile. “You’re forgiven… I guess.”

“You guess? Oh, miss y/l/n, what will I ever do without your forgiveness?” Jungkook had the same joking smile on his face, but when he stared off, you noticed the smile drained from his face.

“What’s wrong?” You reached a hand up to his arm, eyes searching the blank expression on his face. He shook out of the shock and his hand wrapped around yours.

“We’ve got to go,” he stated quickly before his hand had a firm grasp around yours, tugging you across the bridge.

“Wait, where?” You managed to stay close to him as he sped up from a speed walk to a run. That’s when you heard the chaos behind you.

“He’s right there!” A man shouted from behind you, not far back.

“Jungkook, where–,” he pulled you around a corner down a narrow alleyway. You stumbled a bit at the sudden turn. “Where are we going?” You shouted the question. You faintly heard footsteps catching up behind you.

“Why are we even running?” His grip only tightened as he continued running.

The footsteps became fainter and Jungkook turned one more corner before laying flat against the wall.

“Jungk–,” he stopped you, tugging you with him and a hand on your mouth as he shushed you and an arm around your waist. His chest pressed to your back and you craned your head ever so slightly to meet his wide eyes. His pupils were blown wide from the surprise.

At this point, you had no idea whether your heart was beating this fast because you had just ran or because you were pressed so close to Jungkook that you could feel his breathing as his chest rose and fell quickly. In one swift movement, he flipped the both of you, hand still covering your mouth and another hand on your arm.

He applied a small amount of pressure on your arm and his eyes pleaded with you to stay still. He slowly drew his gaze from you to peek over the edge of the building. You noticed his eyes soften from the previous look filled with worry and he drew a long breath before dropping his head in relief. His hand released from your mouth.

His head dropped onto your shoulder and he let out another sigh to which you definitely felt against your skin. You froze.

Within moments, he withdrew his grip from you and slid back.

You tried to push away the blush creeping onto your face and the shock. You willed yourself to forget the sudden moment of closeness and placed your hands on your hips. “What the hell was that? Why were we running? Have you done something?!” Question after question came as you filled your head with the actual situation at hand instead of your stupid heart’s fast pace. You were determined to keep those wandering thoughts away as much as possible.

He pulled at your hand, tugging you along. He wasn’t running anymore, but he was still keeping a steady, fast pace. “Come on, we can’t be here. I’ll explain later.” He tossed his head around to check over his shoulder and continued to do that every couple minutes.

“Will you please tell me what’s going on?” You yanked on his hand in frustration, making him come to a complete stop, and your grip slip from his. “Have you done something?”

A frustrated sigh left his lips and his hand brushed through his hair leaving it disheveled. “It’s complicated.” He was going to eventually tell you everything, but he didn’t know it would be so soon. He didn’t know his father would send men to find him so soon. “Please, can we go back to the hotel first?”

His eyes glanced around you both nervously in every direction possible.

It took you a few seconds to recognize the panic and plead in his eyes before nodding once.

It didn’t even take him a second before he clasped his hand in yours again and began to find his way back to the hotel.

He didn’t let go of your hand the entire way. In fact, his hand seemed only to grip yours tighter as you both weaved through crowds of people and bikers.

You ripped your hand from his grasp the moment you both stepped into the safety of your hotel room. “I followed you back, explain,” your tone was harsh and you couldn’t help your emotions from showing themselves. Your arms crossed over your chest and a permanent frown on your face.

Jungkook sighed and you heard relief, yet some anxiety laced in that sigh. He tugged his hand through his hair, pulling back, and tossed his sunglasses onto the bed.

“Jungkook, what the hell happened back there?” Your voice rose, your hands flying around you as your annoyance rose from him keeping you in the dark.

Another sigh, “Yes, they were looking for me. If they had caught me, I would have been flown back to Korea.”

“Are you a criminal or something?”

“They were my father’s men,” he answered briefly.

“What do you mean?” He was answering your questions in the most terrible way possible. You nearly had the slightest feeling that you had been staying and traveling with some mob boss’s son for nearly three weeks.

“Okay, it’s a long story and I haven’t been the most honest.”

You almost let out a scoff and retorted, ‘no shit Sherlock’, but instead, you replied, “I’ll listen to your story then.” You cautiously took a seat at your claimed bed.

Another sigh before he began to explain exactly how you both, mostly him, ended up in this position. He disclosed every single detail, how he maxed out his credit cards, managed to rent a car for three months, how he was the fucking heir to a multi-billion dollar company in Korea.

“Did you think this lie of your grandfather’s money was going to last long? I didn’t want to question it when I saw you pay for everything in cash. Or the fact that you had that bookbag with you the entire time,” your eyes glanced over the bag over his shoulders.

“Is that why you wanted to book this room in my name?” You remembered that you had agreed to it without question a few days ago.

You didn’t really want an answer from him. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back later,” you swung your backpack onto your right shoulder and headed for the door.

He didn’t stop you but watched your disappointed figure walk through the threshold. He didn’t go after you because it had been clear enough that you didn’t want to be followed. Jungkook threw his head down onto the bed.

You didn’t really want to say anything else to him as you allowed yourself to comprehend his situation. Surely, you were reacting with all this anger and disappointment from your point of view. You had been deceived; you didn’t even know who he was.

There was a park nearby the hotel and you spent the rest of your day there until the moon was showing herself again.

You texted Jungkook as the sun began to disappear.

[6:47 PM] y/n: No cafe tonight.

You didn’t spend every living moment together on this trip, but a meeting at a cafe when the sun set had become a ritual.

He didn’t reply.

When you finally digested what he had told you, you found yourself typing into a search engine ‘Jeon Jungkook’ and was shocked to find articles of his life in Korea. Why had you not even been curious and looked him up before?

Heir Jeon Jungkook with a mysterious woman? He chatted with a woman at a nightclub bar with a charming smile on his lips.

Jungkook, heir to Jeon Empires, rumored to be with a b-list actress? His hand on her face as he seemingly kissed her and you felt something weird brewing in your stomach.

Jeon Jungkook, heir to Jeon Empire, in a bar fight?! The blurry photos were of two men throwing punches at each other, the last photo recognizably Jungkook as he swung his fist in the direction of the other man.

Nearly all of them were so-called scandals. You couldn’t help but conclude that his open life in the media was nothing good except causing trouble and being with many, many women.

The Jungkook you knew, however, was the complete opposite. He was full of personality, a positive and bright energy you couldn’t compare to that person the media wrote about. He hadn’t made any advances towards you which made you question his player-type life before.

You couldn���t help yourself as you spent hours with your eyes glued to the phone screen reading article after article. Only when your eyes began to feel hot and tired, you stopped and contemplated whether or not you should return to the hotel room.

You had to; where else would you go?

The moment you walked through the threshold, Jungkook sat up on his bed. “y/n,” he breathed.

“Please, just give me some time,” you whispered quietly. You didn’t know how to describe the way you felt at the moment. Betrayal for pulling a lie that big? You didn’t know if your growing admiration for Jungkook was the reason the lie felt worse than it should.

Jungkook let you settle in for the night without a word. You turned over in the bed, not facing his and you heard him collapse into his bed.

You didn’t sleep much that night. You ran over and over in your head. Could you still stay with him after this?

You managed to fall asleep sometime when the sky turned lighter meaning dawn was breaking through. Maybe after getting a few hours of rest, your eyes were open again and you turned your head slightly to see Jungkook up and on his phone.

He woke up early and waited for you to wake up.

“I understand if you want to leave. I lied to you about me when you told me everything about you. I’ll get you a plane ticket back to Korea if you’d like,” he mumbled the last part quietly, his head bowing a bit lower out of shame.

“I’m not going to say that lying to me this entire time was okay, but I had some time to think. I still want some time to digest this whole situation, but we can still finish this trip if you’d like,” you offered.

Yes, lying to you about his identity wasn’t okay, but you spent the entire night considering his person as a whole rather than the title he had in Korea. This whole explanation you told yourself was even hard for you to put together.

Jeon Jungkook was the heir to a multi-billion dollar company, yes. However, the same Jeon Jungkook also helped a stranger who was broke on the streets in London. He was a kind-hearted person and you couldn’t deny that credit for him.

The same Jeon Jungkook told you about his favorite hobbies and the isolation he felt at home. That wasn’t a lie.

“Can we spend the last couple of days exploring separately?” You proposed the idea. “We hit the good spots already,” you added quickly.

Jungkook nodded quickly. As long as you still want to go finish this trip with me. For the first time in his life, he didn’t feel alone as weird as it sounded. He was used to so many people coming into his life and leaving, people he had trusted.

Friends, ones he made when he was younger, came and went when it was convenient for them, not for him. He learned to keep people at a distance in his life, especially any new friends he made.

Nannies, caretakers, they were hired to take care of him when he was young, but new ones came and went frequently. No one stayed long enough for him to remember their faces when the new one came.

His father took his mother away from him for business-related events and trips, and many there were.

When you hadn’t known he was part of this lavish lifestyle, he felt genuineness for the first time. Yet, when you knew who he was, he still felt it, and it was a foreign feeling.

“Cafe tonight?”

He was pulled from his train of thought. His eyes which had a distance glow in them were present again.

“Y-yeah,” he gave a small smile.

You gave him a small nod of confirmation.

The sky was still beginning to light slowly outside so you decided with a slight weight gone from your shoulders, you could catch just a nip of sleep.

You ended up just exploring a local market and to your surprise, Jungkook slipped money into the front pocket of your bookbag. You tried your best to spend the least, buying only a lunch for yourself and only shopped with your eyes. Even if he had revealed himself to you, you were bound to your word to not use him.

As planned, you met him at the regular cafe you two had been attending for the past half week since you both arrived in Paris.

Jungkook took it to him to wear a hoodie and sunglasses as the sun began to set. He sat at a table inside this time rather than outside.

Awaiting you at the table were two mugs of coffee and a plate with a few sweets.

“What’s with the outfit?” Although you felt an invisible divide between the two of you, you couldn’t help but comment. He was sitting inside and it was nightfall already for God’s sake.

You slid into the chair opposite of him. This meeting didn’t feel warm like all the one previous. It felt like you were meeting an acquaintance rather than the Jungkook you knew.

“Don’t really want to be noticed,” he responded briefly.

“Were you at the hotel the entire day? Are you planning on staying there for the rest of the trip?”

“Don’t really have much of a choice,” he shrugged. He had been more cheerful this morning, but his mood had shifted somewhat throughout the course of the day. The way he responded bit you cold, just slightly.

You shivered on the inside.

“I’m sure you have some questions. You couldn’t have not looked me up,” his tone was unreadable. It was like he was trying hard to be monotone and act like he didn’t care, but he couldn’t quite fake it.

“Yeah, I saw some articles,” you responded truthfully. No point in lying. You stared at the foam atop the coffee in your hand. You gravitated your hand slightly in a circle, watching the coffee swirl and the liquid to settle. Silence surely was settling itself nicely.

“Don’t you have any questions about them?”

His confidence wasn’t present because, at the end of the question, his voice faltered just slightly. He was actually afraid of what you had seen and what you could possibly conjure and conclude from those articles. After all, it wasn’t just words, but pictures, photographs of his face on them to back those words.

And he had an entire day to plant such fear in himself.

You heard the fear in his voice and you felt your heart pain for a quick second. Was he scared of your judgment?

Truth was, he was, but you just didn’t know that. Your judgment of him meant a hell lot.

“Your title doesn’t make you who you are on the inside,” you reached over the table and placed a light hand onto his chest where below his skin and bones was a beating heart. His head dropped, sight set onto your hand and where it was. “Jungkook, I’d be stupid to read articles and judge you just because of them. How can I trust the words of unreputable sources when I know you myself?” You asked softly.

It sounded weird coming from you. You’d only known him for how long? A few weeks? Merely a month?

Regardless, they somehow felt like the right words. You physically knew him for a short amount of time, yet emotionally, you knew each other for more than that. The amount you both disclosed to each other was unfathomable. It was surely not how much you disclosed to anyone else.

In that length, Jungkook lying about his family was incomparable.

Jungkook’s head rose, the corners of his lips rising slowly into a small appreciative smile.

The glow in your chest grew warmer.

–

True to your words, you had explored by yourself for the next few days. Jungkook didn’t step outside of the hotel regardless.

You came back to some room service trays either lying outside of the door or inside of the room and Jungkook scrolling mindlessly through channels on the T.V. or his cell phone.

There were no hard feelings. Just a time of adjustment.

The week in Paris hadn’t been what you expected, but the resolution was worth the sacrifice.

—

Paris en route to Barcelona

“Ten hours?!” Your eyes widened as you looked up from the map on your phone. Jungkook’s head dipped with a slight nod.

“We can take a pit stop at a hotel in between,” he shrugged. “Or just drive the entire ten.” The statement leaving you speechless. “I’m joking. We’ll stop at a hotel somewhere in the middle.”

The trip always began with music. Jungkook tossed you his phone and told you to pick a song to which you obliged happily. He had a wicked playlist.

The engine revving and silence between the two of you were drowned out by music, Jungkook tapping away to the beat on the steering wheel. You, in turn, hummed to the tune.

Somehow the music became a queue of Disney songs, one after another after you claimed you had to listen to Breaking Free. Somehow, Love is an Open Door came on the speakers and suddenly, you were finishing Jungkook’s sandwiches.

The song ended with you both in a fit of laughter as another song began to play. Your Disney karaoke session came to an end after nearly an hour of duets, your horrible solos and in contrast, Jungkook’s beautiful solos.

Suddenly, it grew quiet from the little banter you two had been having just a few seconds earlier.

“You know, I think it would be very easy to fall for someone like you.” You don’t know why you just openly admitted your thoughts, but it felt safe to. The car engine hummed quietly in the background and music played softly.

Jungkook hummed as his eyes trained on to the road ahead. “I’d think the same for you.” He smiled lightly.

“Hm, what makes you say that?” You were surprised by his words. You weren’t exactly the best in relationships and you always said you’d tango as one. What would make Jungkook think the same of you?

Jungkook was silent for a moment as if he was thinking. “Well, for me at least, you’re easy to talk with and have a killer smile,” his smile grew a bit wider at the thought. “You’re the type of person to dream. You still choose to dream even if society and circumstances told you not to.”

You glanced down at your lap as you felt your cheeks warm at his words. He thought those things about you. “A dreamer, huh?”

“Yeah, you came all the way here on the whims of a dream right? I admire that.”

“Yeah, a stupid one,” you mumbled quietly as you took your gaze your hands in your lap.

“It's amazing. I wish I had one like you,” there was nothing but admiration in his voice. “I wish I had that control like you,” he muttered. You thankfully hadn’t caught it.

“What about me?”

“Hmm?” You looked back up at him.

“What makes me an easy person to fall for?”

You pondered for a moment as you gather your thoughts. To be completely honest, Jungkook had a whole list of things going for him. “Well,” your finger tapped your chin. “You’re extremely charming. You can charm anyone very easily. From what I know, you have a good heart and a lovely smile as well.” Then the next line came out and you almost died in embarrassment, “Bonus: you’re extremely handsome.” You wanted to melt away and never come back the moment those words left your lips.

“You think I’m handsome, huh?”

The fact that he chose to point out that one statement in your compliment filled paragraph made you blush deeper.

“Maybe, or maybe I’m not seeing well and you're actually not,” your voice hinted teasingly as you laughed.

“Hey!” He reached a hand over to shove your shoulder lightly, but a chuckle still came from him. “I am one-hundred percent totally deadly handsome.”

“Sure, sure,” the laughter died down and the car grew silent.

“I think you give me more credit than I really take for.” If you’d known the life I lived at home, you’d not think so.

The thought had come out in words accidentally and you craned your gaze towards him. “What? Your life back home?”

Jungkook hadn’t realized the accidental mutter and a rush of panic struck him. “Nothing,” he brought back his casualness and shrugged his shoulders.

“My life was pretty shit,” you thought to fill the silence with your own story. He didn’t want to speak of his. You picked at the edge of your shirt. “Everyone wants to go to university and I just wasn’t the school type you know?”

You glanced at him for a moment and he gave a nod, eyes still on the road. “I know exactly what you mean.” He wasn’t exactly the star student himself.

“I got accepted to one, but I blew it off last minute and decided to take a gap year. My mom pretty much thinks I’m the dumbest person to make this choice,” a sigh left your lips. “Thinking about the break between me and my parents makes me think whether this trip was even worth it.”

“Well, what are you thinking right now?” Jungkook’s eyes flickered to you for a second, worried. He didn't like the thought of you not thinking this trip was worth it, and if you had thought that, you could drop out of it anytime. He definitely did not want that.

“I’m thinking that this was a once in a lifetime chance so I'd be a fool to not think it's worth it,” you revealed. You focused your attention on the blurring trees outside. “What about you?”

“I’m thinking that I’m really grateful you decided to follow your dreams and on top of that, it allowed me to meet this amazing human being sitting next to me.”

—

Massiac, France

You ended up taking a rest with an expected stop in a small French town of Massiac on the way to Barcelona.

By small, you meant like a population with under 2,000 people. You both ended up settling at a guesthouse that offered bed and breakfast.

You didn’t expect much when walking to your room for the night.

“Looks like we’re back to one bed,” Jungkook chuckled.

The bedroom was small, barely having enough space for the queen bed perched in the middle of the room and a small T.V. to be on a small table in the corner. Oddly, there was only a chair in the other corner of the room.

Thankfully, you two had opted to pack a few necessities and clothes to change into your bookbags and left your suitcases in the trunk of the car (out of sight from anyone who peeked into your windows, of course). They would have just been in the way.

“We’ll have to share?” You said sheepishly.

“If you don’t mind,” Jungkook was quick to respond. He pointed his thumb out the door. “I can take shelter in the car for the night.”

You shook your head. “It’s fine.” You saunter over to the bed and took a pillow, placing it in the middle of the bed. “Now we have two beds,” a laugh erupted from you.

It earned a chuckle from Jungkook as well as he shook his head at the idea. “Okay, Miss y/l/n, whatever you say.”

The night ended up being awkward, but you learned Jungkook loved to steal the sheets. You swore you were feeling so damn cold and subconsciously reached a hand over to your side to pull on the sheets to cover you.

Then sometime later, you were cold again, again without sheets. You, once again, reached over to tug the sheets onto you. Along with the sheets, you managed to tug something heavy and very warm next to you. That object shifted a lot.

In your foggy, sleeping mind, you only shuffled yourself over closer to the source of warmth and was even more satisfied when you were met with a cocoon of warmth.

In the morning, you realized the nice and comfortable cocoon of warmth was Jungkook and his arms and he was cuddling with you due to the lack of warmth every time you tugged the sheets away.

You both ran into fits of coughing as you moved away as far as possible upon waking up and meeting each other’s faces.

You awkwardly attempted to ease the situation with, “Remind me to never sleep with you again, you sheet hoger!”

Jungkook, who had settled down himself, diffused the situation in his classic way with a wink towards you.

Barcelona, Spain

Barcelona was a contrast compared to the cities you had yet to visit. The atmosphere made you feel more alive with every breath you took. Not to mention, the beautiful beaches the city had to offer which was a plus.

You had stayed at a hotel that had what you both desired most: a cafe right next door. You also managed to score a hotel that was right on the boardwalk in Barceloneta.

It was amazing. There were performances right outside of your hotel every night.

This night, in particular, there was a musician playing live music near the cafe. Yours and Jungkook’s conversations had settled from the constantly learning new things about each other. Some nights you both just talked about small things like how you liked the tourist sights you both saw today or just showing each other funny memes you saw while scrolling through your social media.

This was good though. It cleared the air from what had happened in Paris.

Suddenly, Jungkook hopped up from his chair across from you.

“Let’s go dance!”

“Hm?” You were taken aback by his words and momentarily, glanced at him.

He grabbed your hand and tugged you to the crowd. “Let’s go dance y/n,” he flashed you a smile. That, that was your favorite smile of his—a bit daring and wild as if he had the best idea in the world but it was not any ordinary idea. It was lovely, really.

You nodded and allowed him to sweep you away. The music was upbeat and you both tried to best to keep up with the crowd, but failed. Many other tourists had been laughing along with you both as they too failed. The atmosphere was warm and beautiful.

Both tourists and locals mixed in a crowd to dance traditional dances. The locals took the time to teach a few moves to the tourists as tourists tried their best to keep up. Guitars played in sync with each other for a few songs. When the song ended, cheers and claps filled the air.

“The next song should be easy to dance with,” a man spoke into the microphone with a slight chuckle and the crowd echoed with laughter. You recognized the song as a slow song with English lyrics. The man sang the slow tune and couples began forming, strangers shyly asking another stranger for a dance.

Jungkook took your hand with a shy smile. “Dance with me.”

You smiled back widely and nodded. “Of course.”

It was a slow dance and Jungkook led, swaying you both to and fro with the beat. Instead of keeping a distance, you danced, fronts almost pressed and you laid on his chest. He pulled away from you and you frowned, but he tugged onto your hand, spinning you. You let out a giggle and he pulled you close again.

Amidst the swaying, you felt drops of water on your arm. “It’s raining.” The drops fell faster and people began to take shelter under various storefronts. The musician, under a roof, continued to play for the only two left dancing—the two of you.

Instead of leaving, you both stayed dancing in the rain. Clothes sticking to your body from being drenched, you danced. Even after the slow song had ended and the musician began to change the song to a more upbeat one.

You felt your ears begin to drown out the music. Both your chests were rising and falling at a rapid pace and you felt Jungkook lean his forehead on to yours.

At this moment, the crowd was gone, no music, just you and Jungkook. What you felt at that exact moment was indescribable. It was the same feeling of comfort, satisfaction, and really delicious and fresh chocolate chip cookies. It felt...good.

It felt like eons had passed when you both found it in you to separate when in reality, the musician was only at the first chorus of the song he began to play when you drowned out the environment around you.

Jungkook flashed you a wide smile, the one where his eyes became crescent moons from his cheeks being squished from his bright smile. His eyes even became happy, the way there was this sheen and shine on them.

It was pretty damn infectious because your mouth broke out in a smile too.

The rest of your week in Barcelona had a different air between you two after that dance. You took note of it and you were damn sure Jungkook knew it too.

Sometimes, your eye would catch on Jungkook doing something and you’d feel your heart glow and warmth bubble inside your chest. If Jungkook caught you, he’d either freeze himself or send you a cheeky wink, then your heart felt like it went into overdrive.

You never felt that kind of feeling before and it led you down a path of confusion. You were becoming more comfortable with Jungkook’s presence. In fact, you loved his presence. This feeling was more than just enjoying someone’s company. The feeling you had whenever something like his arm wrapped around you or his hands holding yours to tug you to something he found cool was something else.

You never truly felt what it was like to fall for someone, but you were almost sure that’s what you were experiencing.

—

Barcelona en route to Provence

He turned his head quickly, glancing in your direction before turning his attention back to the road ahead. His lips curved into a smirk.

“Miss y/l/n, correct me if I'm wrong, but were you staring at me just now?”

He'd caught you, but you hide your embarrassment taking advantage of his adjusted focus on the road. “Well, Mr. Jeon, you were wrong,” the creeping blush on your cheeks giving your words away. You turned your head in the opposite direction.

“I mean there’s nothing wrong with it. I already know I’ve been gifted with this handsome face,” he added in a teasing tone.

Definitely.

“As if,” you faked a scoff.

Silence filled the car and Jungkook was not in any shape or form for the question you asked next. He nearly choked on his own breath.

“Jungkook, have you ever been in love?”

Jungkook literally began to cough. “What makes you ask that?”

You shrug your shoulders casually attempting to play off your question. “Just curious, never felt that before.”

“Actually, I don’t think I really was. Maybe crushes, but never anything serious,” he answered.

For some reason, you felt a wave of sadness hit you briefly and your worst fear: did you have feelings, but he didn’t?

You didn’t realize you began to fall victim to your own thoughts coming at you from every angle before Jungkook waved a hand in front of your face.

“What about you?”

“I wouldn’t really know if I was. If I liked someone, I would question it to no end. It might as well be one of my insecurities,” you let out.

Marseille, Provence, France

Provence, four words, lavender fields in Summer. True, you were coming late, but you definitely made it in time.

You both stayed at the capital of the region, a seaport with amazing hill lands where the city dwelled. You managed to find a small hotel that was near the top of one of the higher locations.

The second day, you were the first one to wake up. You had to go see the lavender fields. It did take two more hours of driving to Sault, France where the Lavender Trail was, but to be completely honest, the excitement you had was something Jungkook couldn’t refuse in a million years. You were practically jumping up and down in your seat the entire time.

You were even more overjoyed you both had made it on the day of the Lavender Festival which a farmers market was being held. Even miles away from the town, you swore you could smell the lavender scent with the warm breeze.

Jungkook, a few hours in the festival, disappeared and reappeared with some lavenders in his hands.

“For you,” he said with that charming smile. “We can press these too.”

“Thank you,” this time you accepted without hesitation.

That day, your camera roll was filled with shades of purple and it was one of your favorite days.

–

“y/n, come with me. I found something amazing last night,” there it was. There was that glint in Jungkook’s eyes that shouted daringly, ‘adventure’. He held out his hand to you which you took.

He led you through a series of stairs that you were pretty sure prohibited to guests at the hotel.

“Are you sure we can be here?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s worth getting into some trouble for,” he smiled.

At the end of the stair climbing was a single door. Jungkook opened the door and guided you to the sound of a bustling city. Wind began to brush past you two, moving your hair in all sorts of directions. Your eyes were met with the sight of the night of a city below.

Jungkook pulled you closer to an edge.

“Come sit with me,” he took a seat near the edge, letting his feet fall over it and worry began to stream through you.

“It’s too high up. We can sit back here,” you took a seat next to him, but made sure to stay a safe foot from the edge.

“Come on, it’s a better experience this way,” he grasped your hand, giving it a slight squeeze.

Here you go, listening to him again. You couldn’t look over the edge exactly because your fragile heart would definitely not let you, but you began to inch forward, squeezing his hand for dear life.

You never let go.

The silence filled the air and you only dangled your feet, looking out onto the sea of lights. “Two weeks left.” A smile curved on your lips and you watched more of the lights turning on and the last bits of the sun disappearing behind the horizon. “Two weeks of crazy adventures.”

“Yeah.”

You turned to him only to see him watching you. “What are you doing? Look at those lights, they're beautiful.” You waved your arm out.

“I'm looking at you,” he said with a cheeky smile, but his voice wasn’t the same teasing tone. His eyes shined and you were trying to conclude what he was thinking of. At that moment, it became really silent, not the normal silence. It was the type of silence where you could feel the environment just pause and only the sound of your heart pounding fast in your chest was heard. You hoped it wasn't too loud for him to notice.

You just stared at him, letting the silence settle comfortably. Then you gave out an awkward laugh. “I'm sure, the lights and the view are a lot better to look at than m-,” you didn't get a chance to finish because before you could say ‘me’, his lips were on yours.

It wasn't one of those super long, passionate kisses; it was short, but it wasn't a peck either. He captured your lips with his and for some reason, you kissed back. For that split second, it felt like one of those kisses that felt like two puzzle pieces fitting together so perfectly. When he finally pulled away, his forehead leaning against yours, he whispered the words, “I like you, y/n. And if I keep falling at the rate I am at the moment, I will fall in love with you.”

There are two reasons people become breathless from a kiss: one, because they'd kiss for ages and ran out of breath and two, where the kiss had literally taken their breath away.

With your chest heaving, you knew this kiss had only made you breathless because of the emotions running through you. It was too short to have made you run out of breath, but rather, your heart had gone into overdrive. Your heart physically couldn’t handle this moment.

Your breaths intermixing with each other, his words mixing with it making this cocktail that made you want more. But the words registered with you and you pulled away from him before you could possibly get caught for more.

He watched you with those innocent doe eyes only telling you he meant it. He truly liked you.

His sudden confession caught you off guard. For the month you've been with Jungkook, you thought of his personality to be naturally flirty. He was handsome and charm was a part of the package.

You weren't going to lie, the times he'd pull you close or the cheeky comments made your heart flutter, but you'd blown them off. He was just flirty by nature, you told yourself. Yet, your stupid self let out, “you’re being serious, right?” You saw almost a crumble in his confident smile.

“Y-yeah?” You had never heard Jungkook stumble on an answer.

You felt the blush creep up your cheeks. “Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound that bad. I was just being stupid,” you shook your head with an embarrassed smile.

Jungkook pulled back, hands on both sides of your arms. “Uh, y/n, how do you feel?” His voice was small, grown nervous at your lack of response.

“I kissed back, you know,” oh no, you gave another stupid answer. Your hand had literally went up to smack your forehead. “No, I did it again.”

This time the slightest sigh of relief came from Jungkook as he laughed.

“Okay, I like you, too,” you said sheepishly, recounting how you managed to respond terribly, not once, not twice, but three times. Now you answered in the most naive sounding way possible.

Jungkook chuckled and in the background, a shooting star made its way across the midnight sky.

–

You felt like you were on cloud nine that night, but you felt the opposite the next morning. Morning thoughts were the worst and this morning, they took you like crazy. You began to think about the future. What were you going to do when the trip ended? Sure, having fallen for Jungkook felt so amazing, but you couldn’t face what could happen in the future. It was so undetermined and Jungkook saw you sitting up in your bed with a blank stare on your face.

You felt the weight of the bed shift slightly but didn’t really fall out of your thoughts until Jungkook’s arms wrapped around you and gave you a gentle kiss on your temple.

“Good morning,” he whispered softly, head resting on your shoulder. “What are you thinking so deeply about?”

“What now?” You couldn’t help sounding so God damn blunt about it.

With a sigh, you could tell Jungkook had already breezed through that thought.

“y/n, I just told you how I felt. How about we just hold off on that and enjoy the remaining time? Maybe we can figure it out later?”

Later. That was procrastination. However, you just shrugged and agreed. Putting it off was probably both of you trying to avoid the inevitable.

–

True to your agreement, you both didn’t mention it again. It was constantly peeping over your shoulder, but just like that, you swatted away the thought and focused on your time at Marseille.

—

Provence en route to Venice

The eight-hour trip ahead required another pit stop at a small town, but no one was going to complain. It was another excuse to postpone the trip even just for a day.

Postpone deciding what the hell to do to clean up the fact that after this trip you’d both most likely be left heartbroken in completely different cities.

The night spent in the bed and breakfast, you felt the dread creeping further.

Although you only knew Jungkook for less than two months, it felt like you had known him for a decade.

As you laid, staring at him, the stars shone through the window behind him and you admired the being before you. You let your arms go around his middle and you admired his serene face.

Your eyes traced his nose, jaw, and lips. You thought about how safe you felt at this very moment, limbs tangled together. Your mind wandered to how if you hadn’t decided to go on this trip, what you would have missed out on.

Then you thought, ‘goddamnit Jeon Jungkook, what do I do?’

Venice, Italy

Jungkook was being darn cheeky when he requested a room with only one bed, but you still agreed. It wasn’t like you two haven’t shared a bed before and with your newfound confessions, you didn’t mind it. Not one bit.

To be completely honest, it was hard to not have Jungkook within your touch every second since that day. There was barely a moment when he didn’t clasp his hand in yours or vice versa. He didn’t waste a second where his head could be buried in the crook of your neck and arms wrapped around your waist and you not savoring each minute of it. Maybe it was the looming separation that you knew was coming in a few weeks.

Jungkook, himself, opted to leave his bed empty every night because he swore he was cold and you were the best warm pillow there could be.

It started with him climbing over in the middle of the night swearing he was freezing to death even though it was in the middle of the summer. Then he just completely abandoned his bed every night in Provence for the rest of the week.

“Dibs on the bed. You can have the sofa bed!” You exclaimed quickly, dropping the handle to your suitcase and launching yourself onto the king-sized bed in the middle of the room.

“Dibs on the bed!” Jungkook launched himself next to you bouncing you up slightly.

“Hey! I called it!” You whined, but really, a smile was making its way into your lips.

In seconds, he was on top of you, his fingers dusting over your rib cage and you falling out of breath from laughing constantly.

“Stop, ah!” You squealed, yes, squealed. You swatted his hands away, but his fingers continued their torture on your stomach.

When he finally stopped, his legs were on both sides of you and you were both out of breath from laughing, Jungkook at how funny it was messing with you and you from literally being tortured.

You didn’t realize Jungkook had become silent, his face merely inches from yours. His eyes scanned yours and when you didn’t show any sign of ‘no’, he dipped his head down further. This time, you could feel his breathing, lips right above yours.

You didn’t stop your eyes from dropping from his and then to his lips quickly before locking with his eyes again.

The weird thing was that you both refrained from kissing the entire time after that night. True, skin to skin contact was all you both did, but kissing didn’t occur as much as one would expect from your situation.

Thoughts aside, you reached up to kiss him. What was meant to be a peck became Jungkook’s hands falling around your waist and pulling you closer to him, deepening the kiss ten folds. It didn’t help that your hands magically found their way to his hair, fingers knotting in his locks.

In times like this, you both wondered if it would be okay to go further. Was it wrong to lust for someone you only knew for a few months? Was it wrong to fall into the embrace of your own desires to be closer? To the point of complete contact? Unfortunately, you were too shy to voice it nor make any sign of it. Then again, it was never a loss to be kissing and in each other’s arms for hours on end after being tired from a long drive.

–

Being the tourists you were, you swore on your life you had to visit the Trevi Fountain and make a wish before you had to leave.

Jungkook couldn’t sway you from that regardless of how many gondola rides he offered to take you on.

It was crowded, but with the frame like Jungkook, he was able to maneuver you right to the front through the throngs of people.

“Here,” Jungkook handed you a coin.

“You should make one too,” you reminded, excitement bubbling in you.

Jungkook nodded.

You took your time, closing your eyes and thinking of a good wish, but when you closed your eyes, you really just thought of Jungkook.

You could have wished for anything, happiness, freedom from the chains of family duties you knew were waiting for you when you’d go back, but no, you wished for something completely different.

You wanted deep down to wish that you and Jungkook didn’t end here after the road trip. You wanted to wish this wasn’t going to be the end for you both. That there was more; that the paths your lives crossed here wouldn’t have to branch off inevitably because you lived too differently.

So you did. You wished for it, somewhere deep down, you really hoped this fountain would be powerful enough to actually grant your wish.

When you closed your eyes, you assumed Jungkook was getting ready to make his wish alongside you. Instead, he had watched you. He didn’t need a wish; the miracle that came into his life was you.

So he watched you; eyes scanning over your face, memorizing the moment. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone; he wanted to remember this moment. The moment when you looked so beautiful with your eyes closed, hands crossed over your lips, thinking. When Jungkook really looked at you, he always felt whoever was there, whether one person or a hundred, they melted away. They became a blurred background and only you were there in front of him.

So silently, he took a photo.

Really, you’d never knew this photo existed.

He quickly tucked his phone away quickly to make sure to clasp his hands and close his eyes as if he had just wished.

At the end of the day, you both wandered, allowing yourself to put away Google Maps for just a few hours and get lost in the city.

–

On the last night, per your daily dose of cafe talks, you saw Jungkook get a bit tipsy for the first time. Okay, he was like pretty much drunk.

You both decided to have wine at the cafe as a last hurrah in Venice.

You unexpectedly were tipsy as well, giggling constantly at almost anything that happened.

Jungkook was a funny drunk and to be completely honest, you didn’t remember much of that night. It was like spots in your memory.

You remembered Jungkook trying to tell a joke he saw on his phone earlier and attempting to reenact it, tipping back on his chair too far and falling completely over.

You remembered how you tried to take him on a joke-off claiming you had way better jokes than him. When you told your rebuttal joke, it was so bad that Jungkook laughed because it was so ironically not funny.

You remembered the both of you stumbling back to the hotel room barely able to walk in a straight line although you were less drunk than him so he leaned more on you with his arms around your shoulders, being the dead weight he was.

But you didn’t remember how you both were laughing happily until you dropped onto the bed and he pulled you close with his arms, legs still hanging off the bed claiming he never let you go and silence took over.

You both did not remember when Jungkook drunkenly proclaimed how much he had loved you and how sure he was about it. How he wanted to shout so loud to the gods that were listening.

You both did not remember when he proclaimed every single thing that he admired about you and that they were the reason he fell for you. His mouth forming details of you and his fingers travelings the slopes of your face and body from the angle that your nose sloped to the way the corners of your lips pulled up into possibly his most favorite smile on the planet.

You both did not remember how you responded by crying your eyes out about how beautifully he proclaimed his love and how you felt the same way but you were scared. Scared about this new unknown feeling that you now knew the name of and scared to admit it because this trip will eventually end and you feared how having these feelings would eventually mean nothing.

The next day you both woke holding onto each other and you didn’t know why your eyes were red and puffy.

—

Venice en route to Rome

You were finally headed to your last destination and your three months of adventure would end. Even though there was a week left until you both had to decide what was to come, the drive to Rome was filled mostly with silence.

Although you had been on this trip for nearly three months, the silent car ride had made it feel like almost the first one when he had just picked you up from the gas station.

The silence was brimming with unspoken emotions. Sadness? Longing?

The entire ride, Jungkook kept your hand in his, fingers gently brushing over your knuckles in a caressing way.

You barely looked at each other.

It was physically hard to. In past drives, you both spilled stories you experienced to pass the time or just talked about anything. Today, you found it hard to even glance in each others’ way when you felt the end looming closer with each mile passed.

Rome, Italy

You weren’t going to lie. The dread of the end of the trip cast a shadow over the week spent in Rome. You still enjoyed yourselves as much as possible, but the dread was overwhelming. It was like you just took your heart, wrapped it up nicely, and presented it to Jungkook, and suddenly, two weeks later, you had to take it back. A present wasn’t meant to be taken back by the giver, but received, kept, and taken care of by the receiver.

You wish you hadn’t admitted anything in Provence, but looking back, you couldn’t make it. You couldn’t control a pot that’s about to boil over unless you control the heat causing it to, right? In the end, you ended up turning off the heat completely, didn’t you?

Unconsciously, you both allowed yourselves to distance, farther and farther every day. Less intimate touches and fewer embraces. It was like a psychological choice. Knowing you’d eventually go your separate ways, your minds were forcing your bodies to begin to prepare for the eventual impact.

“Let me take you out,” Jungkook spoke suddenly. “One last time,” a sad smile on his lips.

Tomorrow marked the end and although it was almost certain you had decided yourself, you would be parting ways.

“Okay,” you responded quietly.

You got ready that night, dressed to the nines. It was your last night so why the hell not? You pushed away any thoughts about tomorrow as far out as possible as you pulled on the most lavish dress you could find in your belongings, a red dress you somehow packed that you never had the guts to pull off at home.

Jungkook, himself, pulled on a dress shirt and black slacks.

–

You leaned against the balcony railing and watched the city skyline, the lights on the buildings across the river from you. The wind played with your hair, blowing it gently into different directions. Honestly, anytime spent on this balcony would be breathtaking.

You missed the footsteps of Jungkook approaching you from behind and your heart jumped slightly when a head leaned onto your shoulders and a pair of arms circled around your waist.

“I could spend an eternity with you. Not just here. Anywhere on this damn planet. Even if we were stuck on a deserted island,” he admitted.

Your lips curved into a smile and your heart skipped a few times hearing his words. “Even if we end up fighting over a single coconut for food?”

You felt his chest vibrate against your back as he let out a resounding chuckle. “I’d have to learn how to fish then. Ya know, just in case, so you don’t fight me over a coconut.”

You don’t know why but you felt a single tear rolling down your cheek at the thought of getting away with him. You weren’t sure if it was your insane emotions driving you to love this man or your naivety to what love was. For sure, you could love him.

“That would be perfect.” Unfortunately, you couldn’t hold your emotions from your tone and your voice faltered just a bit.

Jungkook frowned and his hands held onto your shoulder as he spun you around.

It was a single tear, but it gave you away and your smile couldn’t be sadder. His eyes searched yours, only to find melancholy.

“We haven’t talked about tomorrow,” you reminded. His eyes reflected the same emotions.

Jungkook’s hands held on your face in a gentle caress. “I want to kiss you.”

Then he did and you didn’t stop him. You missed his touch too much. Even though you both tried to separate as much as possible this week, it was like playing Jenga. The more you took out to build, the weaker the tower would be.

The more you tried to hold yourselves back, the weaker your resolves became.

To your surprise, after a brief moment, Jungkook was the one to pull away.

To his surprise, your hands reached to the back of his neck, pulling him back in. “Can we not care for tonight?”

Human greed was always strong.

Jungkook gave in, lips on yours once again, this time he kissed you harder and you had somehow staggered against the cool wall outside of your hotel room.

Now all your hard work was really thrown out the window.

“Up,” he spoke against your lips. You listened, legs looping around his waist within a second. His hands held you firmly as he walked away from the balcony, kicking the door shut behind him.

His tongue begged for entrance and as your back hit the bed, you gave it to him.

You allowed your hands to roam from his hair and daring yourself as your fingers glided under the hem of his shirt and onto warm skin.

His own hands ventured from your hips, up your sides, and to your hair finding purchase there.

“y/n,” and even though this flurry of activities had only been lighthearted and hadn't gone far from just kissing, Jungkook’s voice had a deeper, more husky tone in it. It was one with a hint of lust but mostly filled with an unsure feeling. “Are you sure?”

He'd known where this could lead to, where it could end and he didn't want it to end in regret.

You gave him a nod and you meant it.

Never been more sure.

For once, you’d let yourself be selfish. You knew what tomorrow would bring after your confession, but you wanted to be selfish.

Once again, human greed was too strong. You wanted him, you wanted to have all of him.

Without a second word, his lips separated from yours leaving you wanting them back as they began to play dangerous games with your body. First, your neck, then lower and lower.

You didn’t deny your body of what you really wanted that night because, in reaction, your body tensed with desire and you allowed your hands to find his hair again.

You wanted all of him and that night, you let him take you into oblivion as your clothing found their way to the floor in a pile next to the bed one by one. Then you both were stripped bare, naked to each other both physically and emotionally.

The feeling of being bare and laid out before him brought you a creeping feeling of self-consciousness until with two simple words from him, those feelings were flushed out. Gone as if they never existed.

“So beautiful,” he whispered, eyes grazing over your body in utter adoration. Then his eyes were back on your own.

He'd given you his love in the most intimate way possible that night. It was the love he proclaimed the night you both didn’t remember. He was proving it to you once again, sober.

His mouth had cherished you so, his body worshipped you with his all.

The act that some would call sinister became your heaven as his hands and mouth became familiarized with every curve your body owned, as his hips rocks into yours. You were his to cherish, to give himself to and he wanted to do it in the most tender way possible. He cherished your body as if it was the very moon and stars in the night sky as he made love to you.

The soft moans that escaped your lips, every breath you took, the way you arched your back in response to his movements. Jungkook noted them all because he was focused on you and solely you.

When he came to his high, your name fell from his lips like a mantra along with long strings of profanity. Not long after, your own body grew taut, then loose as you came undone before him.

He kissed you once again, gentle as ever, allowing you both to savor the moment of utter bliss.

Covered in sweat and bodily fluids, both tired from the highs you've experienced, you'd finally found your eyes begin to flutter shut, but not before memorizing each other's faces; the soft smiles you had on your faces.

With an arm under his head, his eyes watched you and a finger brushed past your jaw.

No words needed.

His arms slipped around your waist, pulling you flush against him. The intimate moments had passed and he just wanted to feel you skin to skin. Skin to skin was as close as he could get to you.

You wrapped your arms around his middle, a tired smile on your lips.

For that brief night, you both had actually managed to trick your minds into forgetting the goodbyes awaiting tomorrow. You were in the moment and there was nothing but.

I think I love you so much.

–

Your finger tapped on Jungkook’s arm, your eyes wandering over his bare skin. The sun began its journey into the sky and now today was the tomorrow you dreaded yesterday. You wished you could stay like this for a while, heck, for an eternity.

Yeah, let’s freeze time and you could spend just a moment more in his arms.

Your eyes matched his as if you both just acknowledged this was it. Today’s the day, the end.

“Come back with me. I can pay for you can go to university back in Seoul and I’ll beg my father to let me stay in Korea.” Jungkook paused before letting his deepest feelings take control of his voice and words.

“I can’t… we can’t just end this. It barely started and as cheesy as I sound, y/n, I’ve never felt this way about someone. I want to keep seeing you every day. I promise I won’t get bored. I want to learn about all of the weird quirks I didn’t get to yet and fall even more in love. I can’t just let this slip away like some brief summer love. Please give this a real chance. Come back with me.”

His words caused a sad smile to take the place of your previous frown and tears near falling from your eyes and in a heartbeat, you would have said yes. Not for offering to pay for your university, but for staying with him. In a heartbeat, you would have agreed to be with him, but that would mean being irrational.

You never knew you could fall in love with a stranger you agreed to go on a three month trip with. Yet, here you were.

And you were going to set yourself up to decline his offer to stay and be with him, to allow your relationship to continue even though last night, you both had just profusely admitted your love.

Seoul, South Korea — the following autumn after that summer

You said no. You told him you couldn’t go with him to wherever it was. It wasn’t possible. He lived a life that was the complete opposite of yours. He had his own duties to return to and you had yours. You didn’t want him to sacrifice anything so you two could have hope on something that had too many uncertainties and vice versa.

There was no making commitments to be in a relationship together. You saw no resolution with that.

How could a prince be with a peasant? Life was no fairytale. That was the harsh reality.

The last time you saw Jeon Jungkook was at the Incheon International Airport shuttles where it’d take you to busses to take you back to your hometown.

Jungkook walked to the shuttles with you and waited, claiming his car wasn’t there yet. You knew it was a lie. You only sat on the bench with him and lay your head onto his shoulder, feeling his breath, up and down. Up and down.

No talking, just silence. When the shuttle came to a squeaky stop in front of the stop, you both stood and embraced. There were no words but, “Goodbye.”

You both didn’t know if there was anything to say. Do you have something to say like an emission of feelings to add to your departure? Surely, it was there, but no one attempted.

You turned to step onto the shuttle and sat down quickly to catch a glimpse of Jungkook as the shuttle drove off. Both your eyes remained locked. When he became nothing but a small dot and you couldn’t possibly turn your head anymore to watch him disappear from your sight, you sighed.

Jungkook was going to be greeted with a car to take him to his father’s company doors while you would be taking a shuttle to take you to where the busses to home were.

This is where the chance happening of the intertwined path of your lives would stop. They would branch off into different directions like a tree branch eventually growing to split into two so the life of the tree can continue. Both your lives would continue, separately.

Just as the trees become shades of reds, oranges, and browns in the autumn and fell from the ever-growing branches, you returned to your daily life.

Your parents were happy that you had returned to their home and even more glad when you enrolled yourself in classes to help with college credits so you could apply for university in the coming year.

Did you miss Jungkook? Yes, your heart yearned terribly the first few weeks when you went back to reality.

When you saw something from your trip together, whether it be a photo on your phone, those flowers that were pressed in the book, the faint scent of lavender on that page, or the dress you had worn the night you both danced in the rain, you felt like someone was pressing a knife to your heart once again.

The truth is you got to know this stranger with a kind heart, who loved singing with his heart, who had never once felt the trust he felt with you, who made you feel like you were one with the stars, who was the biggest dork on the planet and fell in love with him a place foreign to both of you.

One day, you managed to smile at the memory rather than feel the pain of missing something or someone and it felt good.

When you were finishing some Calculus homework at the cafe you worked at as the sun began to set, the doorbell rang for the first time in hours. You quickly closed the textbook and shoved it into your bag before rising from your seat near the counter. The customer was still observing the menu above as you rushed behind the counter.

“Hi, how can I help you?” You quickly typed in your ID into the POS screen to unlock it. You lifted your head with a smile.

A familiar pair of brown eyes observed you before the man cocked his head to the side a bit with a charming smile rising on his lips.

Your heart fluttered within your chest.

“Hey, y/n”

a/n

reposting because i found out tumblr messed with my tags and now they’re fixed *long sigh*

but hopefully this story gets the love it needs after being screwed over :’) (aka, this one shot is literally my b a b y that i’ve nurtured for a long time)

yours truly, Selene ♡

[whaleofatjme1920]

Valentines Letters: Part Two~

(Continuation of the last letter, and the final entry!! Hehehehfhehfjf)

[Disclaimer: Letters To Those You Hold Dear (Valentine's Edition) is a special event I'm holding from February 13th - February 23rd 11:59 PM. Find the guidelines HERE so you can send a letter or two to those you hold dear <3. Further note: try not to submit a post, they get far too long. Not a dig on the asker, don't worry! Just a future note.]

The letter was hastily written, as if in the midst of a panic through the first half. Tears cake the pages, but from the lack of blood things seem to have been resolved to some extent behind the scenes. However, a large amount of sarcasm rings through the written response, mostly the first half, almost mockingly— it's only heightened by the harsh "M." written atop the page.

M.—

I'm close, very close to the base. I apologize for not writing sooner, and I apologize for not telling you where I was— I will see you soon, and hopefully, we can discuss this in person instead of on a stupid piece of paper. However, I must get something straight, Scout. Do you genuinely think you had any right to speak to me the way you did? You care, you're upset, I get it. I admit, it was wrong of me to make you so nervous, but you have to take a moment to understand my point of view. For all I knew, it could've been the last time we'd get to speak— would you rather I left abruptly without meaning or cause after all I've admit? To have nothing to let you know why I was suddenly missing? I didn't want to mention it, in fact, I didn't want to think even about it— but you leave me no choice. My job is simple, I get paid, I finish the task, I leave. This task was supposed to be all the same, I meet them in a specific place and time, we discuss the details, we end our interaction— but, do you wish to know who it is they requested I kill? Do you wish to know the true reason I declined the request, why I'm in the situation I am now? Surely you don't, but since your attitude holds spite remark throughout it— I'll tell you anyways. It was you. It was a late night after multiple days on a travel to France, I usually discuss my transactions in person for a more... dignified and realistic approach.

It was supposed to be just like any other, I didn't think anything of it when I travelled, as foolish as that was— I definitely didn't expect your name to be on my hitlist. Do you see now how I got into this mess? Why I'm bleeding? Why I wrote a letter to you so abruptly without much thought beforehand?

You can only think so much when bleeding out and in a panic, that guy was a fucking brute. Violent, unhinged. Worst client I'd ever had the unfortune of nearly working with. It was supposed to be one on one, for safety reasons on my side-— but he brought his thugs behind my back, I was cornered— I barely made it out alive to begin with. I'd have given you my location, but at the time I didn't make it far— I'd already gone through it all and I couldn't risk putting you in danger as well, why risk both of our lives when you were the one I sought to protect in the first place? That's idiotic, and I'm embarrassed you'd even suggest that. I don't blame you, however— I should've been honest with you from the start, but I didn't want to make things worse. I admit, I don't know why they wanted you dead— I never ask for details, that's not my business— I just accept the hit and get it done. I don't know how they knew your real name, or why it was me they had to go for. All I can say is, watch your back. I already declined the request, meaning if they truly wanted you dead they'll turn to someone else to finish the job I failed to do— If you fucking die on me, there'll be hell to pay, bigshot. My current address is ███████, ████. I would've sent it earlier, but I'm afraid it was too risky— at the time, they were still hot on my trail. As of now, I seem to have lost them. I managed to find material healthy enough to fix my wounds, but they still seem to be getting infected. Again, Jeremy... I apologize for worrying you so much— it wasn't my intention to make you feel like you'd lose me... deep down, I suppose I'm not as professional as I like to come off as, so— for you— I let my guard down.

Ha... if I knew it'd be that much of a fucking deal I probably would've tried to hide it, I don't like confrontation... reminds me of the past. Speaking of the past, I gave you snippets, didn't I? I never had parents, at least, not real ones. I don't know who they were, in fact, I don't think I ever even met them. I was adopted by this... sweet old couple in some crappy farm way back when, some state in USA I barely remember the name of...— I won't get into the long details, but... they're gone now. Well, actually, they've been gone for a long, long time. It was a fire, a big one... neither of them survived... some stupid kids at my old school loved to pick on me for being a foreigner, one day they just took it to far. Set my farm ablaze. I just had to sit there and watch them burn, and I— I just— I didn't do shit, I didn't even try— I was just frozen. After that, I never made a bond with another person again. I thought it was foolish to create relationships with people I knew would leave my life one way or another, then you came along— I guess my stupid brain just... thought it was fine to go out and tell you like that, I really don't know what I was thinking. I always try my best to keep my emotions out of my writing, as I don't write often unless it's for business purposes... but... I couldn't stop thinking about how guilty I'd feel if I just... died... no letter, no goodbye. I couldn't do that to you... I couldn't just— die like my family did, no goodbye...

So, I wrote that letter on a whim— I thought I'd die back then, but I didn't. And, now that I'm a more stable condition, I have the right mindset to write one last letter to you before we meet face to face.

My name—... It's Mitchell..... Mitchell Holland. Heh— I haven't spoken that name in so many years that it almost feels false to me. I go by M for safeties sake, but for you— well— I guess you, and Spy, will be the first to know the truth, hm?

I, Mitchell Holland, hereby declare my apologies for worrying you, Jeremy— but, you're childish. I love you dearly with all my heart, Jeremy— but, you're ridiculous. Your silly little words might have broken my heart, and I may have gone through many discarded letters in a struggle to respond properly to you, but I also understand you were not aware of the full situation— just as I have troubles understanding it, myself.

I've done this time and time again, I'm used to helping myself— I would've— I would've asked for yours if it wasn't for the circumstances... believe me when I say it was for your own good, I'm not putting another life in risk. I'm not losing someone else.

Zero exceptions.

I don't care how much you whine and beg about me not giving you my location earlier, I wasn't doing it. Regardless. No matter how guilty I felt... no matter how much I wanted to. As for my positive attitude during that last note?

That's how I am... I admit, I was in a bad place when I wrote that— even to this day I struggle to believe anyone could care for me, so I shake off my injuries as a joke in attempts to make situations lighter. After all, why bother taking a fleeting life so seriously if you had no one around to live it for?

Just...— you can't make me feel any worse about it than I already do...

That aside, I'll be there shortly— it was a long, awful travel. I can't even express to you how empty and disgusting the desert can be at this time, especially with excruciating headaches, pain and dizziness from wounds prior. I'm just thankful I made it out without encountering anyone else... 

To end this note off on a better note, I appreciate your concern. Both you, and Spy.

(Between you and me, Spy, I appreciate your honesty. I get it's hard to open up about that kind of stuff, and I won't judge. I lost a lot, too— but, your advice? It helped a lot. Really gave me the energy I needed to fight on regardless of how much I just wanted to fall asleep, regardless of if I'd wake up again.... thanks to you, the whole week of travelling went by rather nice— ignoring the gaping hole in my stomach, which has since been taken... rough care of. As much as I don't trust that German doctor of yours, safe to say I might require his help upon arrival— once that happens, I request you accompany me to the operating table to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid to my body. Calculations on arrival say— a few hours— max? 'Til we meet in person, cher beau-père. Yes, feel free to laugh, but I picked up a few words from my visit to France. Safe to say, I'll never be visiting again.)

—if I kiss you upon meeting, don't be surprised, Mitchell.

-

-

[Atop this letter are Spy's initials. There is no mention of Jeremy in the sense that he had transcribed the letter, or that Jeremy was even weighing in his own opinions.]

I wish I could greet you with warmth, and general amiability, but it seems that the situation is much more... Dire than it appears to me. Let me be as frank with you as you have been my son Scout, and let me also say that I am not reprimanding you entirely, but I am airing my grievances as well within this notion. I understand that you're in a great deal of pain. That you're scared, that you thought to write to us to let us know - to let us worry. And that is precisely what Scout did: worry. You gave him a lot of information and the gods know that he cannot have a constant stream of thoughts coming at him all at once. It's like he doesn't have the capacity to multitask, of course he was going to act out.

If I had to transcribe his response to your harsh words, all you would have were a string of curses and his bruised pride screaming at you for writing as you did. I have chosen not to tell him about... About the hit on you... I will not throw that burden onto him when he is already on the rocks mentally speaking. He's upset with you, immensely so. You've essentially scolded him into the next dynasty and he's airing out his own grievances in ways I find less than healthy.

He's heard about your emotional story, all of it. He knows your name, and now I do too. He knows what he has to and I intend in keeping that way. He has the brain of a barely functioning caveman. I do not expect him to understand nuance. Scout is still worried about you. He won't outright say it now, and he hides his emotion with anger, that much is certain. He's angry at you, angry at himself at worrying about you, and I suppose he's angry that I refuse to transcribe his strings of curses. He's emotional, to put it shortly.

But I must weigh in on my own: your own behavior is more than childish. Your grandiose declaration of apologies for worrying him shows me more than enough that you, just as much as him, were never ready for anything serious. I believe Americans and the general English speaking world call it "puppy love". You cannot get mad at someone for worrying about you. He has an... An admittedly underdeveloped sense of reasoning, but I find your words much to harsh as if you're instead putting up a front. Is that what you're doing, Mitchell? Are you putting up a front? Are you using your own anger as an emotional veil as he has?

I thank you immensely for keeping him safe. And I thank you for thinking of him even now. Jeremy still hasn't calmed down, and frankly, I was never upset, just tired. I find your "love story" exhausting, and if it were up to me, I would have that disgusting bushman transcribe instead of me. Judging by your writing, I can tell you're close enough and well, I have car keys for a reason.

Don't die in the meantime. I will be there - I don't really trust Scout to be near you at the moment. Let him cool down first. We have much to discuss, emotions we cannot convey over prose alone.

Do not kiss me. Save your energy for yourself. Ludwig is already waiting for you. Keep some pressure on your wounds, and don't fall asleep just yet.

I'll be there before you know it.

[kalyan-gullapalli]

Post # 128

Bharat's Ratna...

If Pamulaparthi Venkata Narasimha Rao were alive today, he would be 99 years old. On 28th June, 2021, he would have turned 100. So this year, the Telangana government is celebrating his birth centenary year. Chief Minister K Chandrasekhar Rao led the bandwagon of people demanding Bharat Ratna for PV (as he was fondly known), with BJP leader Subramaniam Swamy supporting this demand. Reports appear that Dr. Manmohan Singh wanted to give him a Bharat Ratna when he was Prime Minister.

Glowing tributes flew from all and sundry, even from Congress, whose party he belonged to, and who conveniently chose to ignore him since 1996, when he stepped down as PM.

No matter how significant PV Narasimha Rao's life was before 1996, it probably must have been hell since then, till 2004, when he died of a heart attack. First of all, he got no credit from his own Congress party for the path-breaking economic reforms he instituted and pulled the country out of the deep shit it had been pushed into by former governments and their policies. Dr. Manmohan Singh, instead, got all the credit.

Next, he was blamed for the party's 1996 electoral defeat, dumped and replaced by Sitaram Kesari. He was excluded from every Congress Working Committee meeting since.

To rub salt on wounds, he was charged with many corruption cases, some of them by his own party colleagues. He supposedly went through a very bad phase financially and had to sell his Banjara Hills house in Hyderabad to pay for his lawyers.

When he died, while undergoing treatment in AIIMS, his family requested that being a former PM, he should be cremated and his remains buried in Delhi. But Sonia Gandhi and her cronies didn't even allow his body to enter the AICC building in Delhi. That's when Andhra Pradesh Chief Minister YS Rajasekhar Reddy intervened, flew the body back to Hyderabad, and had it cremated with state honors.

But why was PV, a freedom fighter before Indian independence, a career Congress-man, an Indira Gandhi loyalist even in Emergency days, a State Chief Minister, a cabinet minister with Foreign and Home ministries and an ex-Prime Minister, treated with such disdain in his last few years? And now, why this drama about a Bharat Ratna? Therein lies a tale...

In 1991, PV Narasimha Rao had practically retired from politics. He had by then, seen it all, done it all. Renowned as a scholar - he was fluent in 17 languages - and known to be indecisive - a requisite for survival in the Indian National Congress in those Indira days - he was cooling his heels, when Rajiv Gandhi was assassinated, in the midst of electoral polling.

Congress emerged as the largest party in those elections, but didn't have majority. Sonia didn't want to enter politics just as yet. So PV was persuaded to head a minority government, simply because he was deemed harmless, and asked to lead a nation rocked by the worst economic crisis in its history - the country was bankrupt and had to pledge 68 tonnes of gold in return for aid from IMF, and was grappling with political uncertainty - this was the third government in as many years.

To put it mildly, to survive 5 years - 5 eventful years - and produce the results that he did, was nothing short of miraculous. If a Prime Minister's performance is to be measured by the difference he made to the country while in office, PV Narasimha Rao was probably the most significant Prime Minister India has ever had.

1. Economic reforms:

PV Narasimha Rao was the true father of Indian economic reforms. He brought in a technocrat - Dr. Manmohan Singh as the Finance Minister of India, and backed him 100% to implement necessary reforms. He himself headed the Commerce and Industries ministry to dismantle the socialist policies of the License Raj. His ability to steer unconventional, unpopular reforms through opposition, while heading a minotity government gave him the title Chanakya of Indian politics. Dr. Manmohan Singh says PV was "his friend, philosopher and guide".

2. Nuclear testing:

Today, the world credits Atal Bihari Vajpayee government for India's nuclear testing programme, which culminated in the Pokhran tests of 1998. However, the tests were actually planned in 1995, during PV's term in office. They were dropped under American pressure when the US intelligence got the whiff of it. In 1996, when PV stepped down and Vajpayee became PM, PV met Vajpayee and updated him on the progress of the nuclear programme. Vajpayee said later, "Rao told me that the bomb was ready. I only exploded it." APJ Abdul Kalam described PV Narasimha Rao as a "patriotic statesman who believed that the nation is bigger than the political system". 

3. Foreign policy:

He decided in 1992 to bring into the open India's relations with Israel, which had been kept covertly active for a few years during his tenure as a Foreign Minister, and permitted Israel to open an embassy in New Delhi. Today, Israel is one of India's best friends.

He ordered the intelligence community in 1992 to start a systematic drive to draw the international community's attention to Pakistan's sponsorship of terrorism in India and not to be discouraged by US efforts to undermine the exercise.

Rao launched the Look East foreign policy, which brought India closer to ASEAN. Subsequent governments have pursued this policy as well. Today, Narendra Modi is a strong advocate and practitioner of this policy.

He decided to maintain a distance from the Dalai Lama in order to placate Beijing, and made successful overtures to Tehran. These policies paid rich dividends for India in 1994, when Benazir Bhutto's efforts to have a resolution passed by the UN Human Rights Commission in Geneva on the human rights situation in Jammu and Kashmir failed, with opposition by China and Iran.

4. Crisis management:

After the 1993 Bombay blasts, PV personally visited Bombay and after seeing evidence of Pakistani involvement in the blasts, invited the intelligence agencies of the US, UK and other West European countries to examine the facts for themselves.

It was during his term that terrorism in Punjab was finally defeated.

He also directed negotiations to secure the release of Doraiswamy, an Indian Oil executive, from Kashmiri terrorists who kidnapped him, and Liviu Radu, a Romanian diplomat posted in New Delhi in October 1991, who was kidnapped by Sikh terrorists.

He also brought the occupation of the Hazratbal holy shrine in Jammu and Kashmir by terrorists in October 1993 to an end without damage to the shrine.

In 1993, a strong earthquake in Latur, Maharashtra killed nearly 10,000 people and displaced hundreds of thousands. PV Narasimha Rao was applauded for using modern technology and resources to organise major relief operations.

Okay. By now, I am convinced he has done enough to have become a high-performance Prime Minister, despite his inaction during the Babri Masjid demolition and the pan-India rioting that happened after that. But why the disdain, especially from within his own party?

Some commentators say that his shabby treatment largely owed to the fact that, in the dusk of his career, he refused to serve as a seat-warmer to the next generation of Gandhis. Once he became the PM, this previously indecisive, harmless, grand old man acted like the buck stopped with him. He stopped visiting Sonia Gandhi regularly, which she resented. In him, the Gandhi family detected a rival power centre that could diminish their centrality to the party and its fortunes.

Some others say that Sonia Gandhi was unhappy with the pace at which Rajiv Gandhi's assassination case was progressing. A few others say that Congress ‘punished’ Rao for his failure to safeguard the Babri Masjid and jeopardise the party’s long-nurtured Muslim vote bank.

Whatever be the real inside story, I feel compelled to reproduce the most glowing tribute to PV Narasimha Rao I read in the past few days.

“Rao is to India what founding fathers Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson are to the United States; Friedrich List to Germany; Hayato Ikeda to Japan; Lee Kuan Yew, Goh Keng Swee and Albert Winsemius to Singapore; and Deng Xiaoping to China.”

In my book, Pamulaparthi Venkata Narasimha Rao is 100% a Bharat Ratna - a Jewel of India.

[indescribablechoices]

how long you would wait for me

Pairing: Alana Kusuma x MC (Kai Park), with references to Damien Nazario x MC (Kai Park) x Hayden Young

Word Count: 2835

Prompt: "And the nights were dark..." for Kai/Alana (thank you @freedom-kitty​​)

Listening Suggestion: As It Was - Hozier

Fic Tag List: @brightpinkpeppercorn​​ @kennaxval​​ @noeschoices​​ @mrsnazariowritesagain​​ @50shadesofraleigh​​ @beaumontypython​​ @vienroose​​

Synopsis:  After receiving the worst news possible, Kai reflects on her relationship with Alana. (this is a little messy, but I have a lot of feelings and wanted to let them out)

The phone call came at two pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Kai had been working from home as she usually did, unless she was visiting a client for her decorating business, busying herself drawing up the plans for her latest design.

“Am I speaking to Mrs Nazario-Young?” the man’s voice on the other end was cool, but professional, definitely not the sort of person that usually calle her for a quote on refurbished furniture.

“Yes, this is she,” she said, her mind absent as she made her way into the hallway, deciding this was a good time to take a break, ready to hang up on this guy who was likely trying to sell her something and make some lunch before she got back to work.

“My name is Agent Harrison; I work with Alana Kusuma.”

Her blood ran cold and she stopped dead in her tracks. From the moment she and Alana had confessed their feelings for each other at the airport, and she had made her promise to let her go, she had lived in fear of this phone call. Tears flooded her eyes and her breath caught in her chest.

“Mrs Nazario-Young…”

“Please, go on,” she said, suddenly realising that she had been quiet for several moments.

“Despite the fact that you are not legally married to Agent Kusuma, you are listed as her only next of kin and point of contact, so you are the only person I have the authority to call in a situation such as this. I am sorry to inform you of this, but Alana is missing in action.”

“What…?”

“She was deep undercover on a mission that even I don’t have the full details of. She was meant to report in months ago, and there has been no sign of her since.”

Kai was no stranger to receiving no contact from Alana. Before she had left this time, she had warned her that she could be gone for a long time and that she didn’t know when she would be able to speak to her again. And Kai, as ever, had told her to just stay safe, and send her a postcard when she could.

She had received a postcard in the mail two weeks later, but that had been three months ago. It was the longest they had gone without communication, but she trusted that Alana was safe, that she would reach out when she could. But now…

“She… She can’t have just disappeared into thin air,” her shock and sorrow were quick to snap to anger.

“Ma’am, please know that every measure has been taken to-”

“Do not call me ma’am like I am some middle-aged woman complaining about an expired coupon!” she hissed down the phone, “The woman I love is missing, and the agency she works for hasn’t found her in months. I need you to tell me what else is being done to bring her home.”

“I’m afraid that there is little else to be done.”

Her heart seized in her chest, “What?! You can’t-”

“Please, let me explain… The gang she was attempting to infiltrate wouldn’t take kindly to a law enforcement agent in their midst. I’m afraid that until contact or sighting is confirmed, we are working under the assumption that Agent Kusuma has had her cover blown and has been captured. We believe that she may have been killed in action.”

She choked out a sob, suddenly feeling her knees give out, sliding down the wall until she hit the floor. The phone fell from her hands. She could hear the distant sounds of the agent on the phone giving his condolences, but her own crying began to drown him out, begging beneath her breath for it not to be true.

Her fingers clutched at the pendant that sat on a chain around her neck. She pressed the metal almost painfully into her skin, desperately feeling the shape of it; the bird nest with a single bird in it. The empty space in the nest fit the bird pendant that Alana wore perfectly, the two able to snap into place as one when reunited.

They weren’t married, not in the sense that she was married to Damien and Hayden, but they were no less committed. They hadn’t stood before an officiant and exchanged rings, but they had had a private ceremony of their own, on the beach in Indonesia, whispering promises to each other barely heard over the crashing of the waves, putting the necklaces on each other. They had made love in the sand, wearing nothing but those pendants around their necks.

They were a reminder of their vows to each other. Kai would wait for her, be her safe place to land, and Alana… she would always come home to her.

“Peanut?” Damien’s voice came from the doorway, concern filling his tone, “Kai, what happened?”

She didn’t know how long she had been sat on the floor, all sense of time lost. He knelt beside her, his hands brushing her long hair out of her face, wiping her damp cheeks.

“She broke her promise,” she whispered.

“What are you…?” his voice trailed off as he noticed the discarded phone beside her, and that she was still clutching to her pendant, “Oh god…”

He hung his head, swallowing back his own burning tears. Whatever their past, Alana was a part of their family, he still cared for her as the friends they had become, and he knew how much Kai loved her.

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. She clutched tight to him, desperate to feel something solid; something real.

He lifted her with ease, carrying her to her bedroom. Though they and Hayden shared and swapped beds depending on the night and their work routines, Kai’s room was the only place that she shared with Alana. When Alana was home, it was their sanctuary. Every postcard Alana had sent her was displayed on a corkboard above her desk, little trinkets from her travels scattered amongst the decorations. There was even a drawer of her things in the dresser.

Kai curled up amongst her pillows, almost in a daze until she felt Damien press something into her hands. She looked down, fresh tears filling her eyes when she noticed that he had handed her Alana’s Interpol t shirt, the one that Kai had stolen from her, the one she had worn the first time they confessed their love for each other.

They had been sat at the breakfast table at the beach house in Indonesia, taking some time just the two of them whilst Alana had some leave. They had spent the two weeks there either laying on the beach or twisted in the linen sheets of the bed, tangled in each other’s embrace as they made love over and over, making up for any lost time between them with Alana away so much. Alana had awoken one morning to find Kai already gone from bed, finding her in the kitchen instead making breakfast. Kai, despite her distinct lack of any culinary skill, had been practising an old family recipe that Alana’s dad had given her, wanting to make her something special for once.

They sat and ate together, before Alana had very quietly said it.

“I love you.”

Kai had nearly dropped her fork in shock, unsure how Alana Kusuma, the most formidably wonderful woman she had ever met, could tell her she loved her whilst she sat in nothing but Alana’s t shirt that she had only put on to cook breakfast in and her underwear. She had always pictured their love confession to be during an epic moment as they parted at the airport, but this… this was so much better. It was tender, and vulnerable, and real.

She hadn’t hesitated in her next words, even as they both began to cry.

“I love you too.”

Kai discarded her own shirt, pulling the t shirt on, still able to smell the faint trace of Alana’s perfume on it. She barely looked up at Damien, but croaked out a quiet, “Thank you.”

“I’m here, whatever you need,” he told her.

“Can you just stay with me? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“I’m right here, Peanut,” he said, laying on the bed beside her, a comforting hand on her waist.

She fell asleep at some point, dreaming of that morning in the beach house, and the first time Alana had taken her to meet her father. She had been so nervous to meet the man that Alana held so dear in her heart, but he had been so lovely, wanting to know everything about the woman that made his daughter so happy. Alana had blushed and complained whilst Kai and her dad swapped stories about her, but on the drive home, she had pulled the car over and kissed Kai senseless, telling her how grateful she was to have someone so good in her life.

She dreamt of the nights they shared together when she was home, the ones where they closed themselves off from the rest of the world, so wrapped up in each other, happy to have the other in their arms that they cared for little else. But also, of the nights they spent with their friends. She dreamt of dancing with her at Nadia and Steve’s wedding. She dreamt of the beautiful speech Alana had given at hers, Damien’s and Hayden’s wedding, telling Damien and Hayden to look after Kai when she couldn’t, telling Kai that her wonderfully loving heart was one of the reasons she adored her. She dreamt of the dinners, and drinks, and brunches, and board game nights that the whole gang had been a part of, always made brighter by the feel of Alana’s foot playing gently with hers under the table.

She dreamt simply of Alana, from the moment they first met that night in the safehouse in Berlin, the initial distrust between them that had grown over the months, to a mutual agreement to help Damien, to attraction, and somewhere along the way, an affection that neither of them had anticipated. She had seen Alana for who she truly was, and Alana had opened her heart to her. She dreamt of their first real kiss in the airport, their promises still fresh between them. She dreamt of the first time Alana came home, how she had waited for her at the gate with flowers. She had tried to cook dinner for her that night, but she had burned it, so they had ordered takeout, cuddling up on the couch to eat it. They had watched trashy tv and talked for hours before Alana had kissed her and told her to take her to bed. They took their time with each other that night, learning every inch of the other’s body, mapping each path to pleasure, how to draw the right noises from the other. She dreamt of the morning after, awaking to Alana in her bed, doused in the soft light of day, her hair golden across the pillow.

She whispered her name as she awoke, feeling a change in presence beside her, hot tears already on her cheeks. Had it all been a bad dream? Was she home?

But it was Hayden’s voice that came from beside her, his strong hands rubbing gentle circles on her back, “It’s just me, baby, I’m sorry.”

He held her as she began to cry again in earnest, the reality of it all sinking in. Alana was missing, presumed dead, enough so that her superiors were calling off the search. She had died alone, so far from the people who loved her. She was never coming home.

What was she going to tell Alana’s dad?

The weeks passed with both speed and at tortuously slow pace. Every second with the knowledge that Alana was gone filled her with a pain she had never felt. She had lost her parents when she was young, but she had never been more thankful for the lack of memories of them. She had nothing but memories of Alana, even memories of missing her, but always knowing she was coming back. And yet, the every day seemed to pass without consequence. Life around her went on, the world did not stop spinning because she lost the woman she loved.

She was still grateful to have Damien and Hayden, and their friends. She didn’t know what she would have done without them at her side. Damien did all he could, digging up old contacts to see if there was anymore information, any speck of hope, but nothing had come of it.

It wasn’t until a day three months after that initial phone call that Kai’s phone lit up with Agent Harrison’s number.

The moment she saw his number, her heart dropped into her stomach. This was it. The final confirmation that Alana was gone. Damien had warned her that she may get this call, the call that meant that it was time to finally arrange a funeral.

With shaking hands, she pressed the button to answer the line.

“Hello?”

“Mrs Nazario-Young?”

“This is she.”

“I’ve been told to transfer this call to you.”

“Transfer?” she asked quietly. Couldn’t this man just give her the news himself? She didn’t need to hear condolences from someone else who didn’t know her.

“Please hold.”

There was a soft click on the other end of the line, and for a brief second Kai wondered if he had hung up on her by mistake, but then the crackle of another phoneline connected.

“Who am I speaking to now?” Kai asked, letting her frustration come through, desperate not to cry. There was a pause, and Kai only felt angrier, “Whoever this is I’ve been transferred to, I-”

“Kai?”

She almost dropped the phone in utter disbelief at the voice that said her name.

“Kai, baby, is that really you?”

She held the receiver closer to her ear, desperate to hear every word, to ground herself in the fact that this was real.

“Alana…”

“It’s me, I’m here.”

Tears flowed freely from her eyes as the weight that had been dragging on her heart was suddenly lifted, and she felt lightheaded with the rush of relief that swept through her.

“I thought you were dead. They… They told me you were dead,” she said softly.

“I almost was,” she admitted, “I promise I’ll explain everything when I see you. I’ll be home tomorrow… Can you pick me up from the airport?”

“Baby I’d walk across the world to come and get you right now,” she told her.

She heard Alana choke back her own soft sob, “I think the airport will be okay… I can’t stay on the line much longer, but I’ll be home soon.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. I love you so much.”

Kai wept as the line went dead, trying to comprehend what had just happened. After everything, the heartache, the grief, the endless nights of no sleep… Alana was alive, and she was coming home. Part of her doubted whether the call had been real, that she had simply imagined it in a grief filled haze, desperately trying to conjure Alana back to her.

She doubted herself even as she stood at the airport gate, flowers clutched tightly in hand. She doubted it right up until the moment she saw the familiar figure of Alana Kusuma walking towards her. Their eyes met through the crowd of people leaving the plane and Kai broke into a run towards her.

She threw her arms around her, holding her painfully tight. Alana held her back, burying her face in her hair.

“You’re really here,” Kai whispered, tears filling her eyes as she looked up at her, noticing the cuts and bruises on her face now that they were up close, “Oh my god, Alana…”

“My cover got blown,” she told her, “I thought they’d kill me, but they kept me prisoner instead, tried to get information out of me about any other agents.”

Kai felt an anger well up in her that she hadn’t felt since they took down Eros, since she heard of Damien’s torture and saw the machine they put Hayden through. Someone had hurt someone she loved, and there had been nothing she could do to keep them safe.

“Alana…”

Alana took Kai’s hands in hers, “I escaped the moment I had a chance. I had to lay low for a while until I knew it was safe to even get back in contact with Interpol, I couldn’t risk anyone linking me to you, and putting you in danger, and I… I had a promise to keep.”

Tears slipped down Alana’s cheeks, and Kai brushed them away gently, not wanting to press on her injuries. Kai held her close. For all of the pain she had been through these last few months, she would endure it a thousandfold if it could wipe away whatever Alana had endured.

“You kept your promise,” she whispered softly, “You came back to me. Now let me keep mine... Let’s go home.”

[quarantinewithbean]

The Beginning

Really, this isn’t the beginning, it’s just the beginning of this blog. I really wanted to blog about my fertility journey from the start, but I was always so consumed with the “next step” and my own frustrations with continually NOT getting pregnant that I didn’t ever make the time. I’m not sure, maybe I had a fear that writing about it would make it even more real that it wasn’t happening. Maybe I was afraid it would somehow make my fear of never being able to have kids somehow come true. Or, perhaps it was just because I’ve always had a habit of starting a diary/journal/blog with great intentions but not continuing them (I have a stack of diaries with about 10 pages written in each from various years). I’m guessing it was a combination of things.

Then, by the time we finally became pregnant this past October after 4 years of trying (”trying” meaning: having countless doctor’s appointments, having to see reproductive specialists, shedding more tears than I would like to admit to, going through multiple unpleasant and painful medical procedures to figure out the source of our infertility, eventually having a surgery to open one of my Fallopian tubes, going through multiple rounds of fertility medications, and basically owning stock in pregnancy/ovulation test kits by the end of it), I was so ecstatic that I did not want to revisit any of the painful memories of how upsetting it was to get that negative test month after month. So, I didn’t start a blog. I just reveled in the happiness that I finally had a little bean in my belly. Well, reveled in happiness and morning sickness for a solid trimester and a half. But even that incessantly burning nausea couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face.

Now, fast forward and here I am, here we are together, and the world has been absolutely turned on its head. (Actually, that is putting it lightly. If I am being real, it feels more like the world has taken a giant shit all over everyone and everything and just can’t stop. Sort of like the cast of the original Bridesmaids after they all got food poisoning. That is our world at present.) I now have an even more incredible opportunity to document what it is like to survive these times living during a pandemic, 6 months pregnant, working at a hospital. What a combination! But I figured it is a once in a lifetime chance to share my thoughts on a page in hopes that my little bean will be able to someday look back and read about how crazy the world was when he/she was baking in my tummy. I know that I always soaked up stories that my Grandma Max would tell about surviving the Great Depression. It is always fascinating to hear about a surreal time that someone else went through, especially if it is so much different than the current life one is living. It allows us to learn and can help spur powerful perspective shifts in our own lives.

Living in the rural Midwest, I feel like this COVID-19 pandemic is just beginning. Actually, when the virus first started circulating in other parts of the world, I think it was easy for us all to at first deny that it would get that bad here in the US. Seeing footage of overrun hospitals on the TV felt like we were just watching a bad movie. Now our realities are much different, and we are experiencing it first hand here, seeing what it is doing to our cities, to our healthcare professionals, to our economy, to our businesses, to our communities, to our people. We know it will inevitably hit us here, too, in the Midwest - things are just a little slower to show here than the rest of the country. 

For those of you who don’t know, I work at the local VA hospital as a psychologist. Thankfully, I see many of my patients using telehealth/video sessions already and it wasn’t a huge shift to transition the rest of them to telehealth during this time to prevent potential spread of the virus. Half of my job is providing psychological services on a Home-Based Primary Care (HBPC) team, and half is also spent working in the hospital with patients at bedside as a medical psychologist on our long-term/continuing care/rehabilitation units. It is quite a tense environment for everyone at the hospital right now, for sure. I feel it when I arrive and leave my units there, and lately on my “hospital days” I get home and just feel sorta drained. The stress and anxiety is palpable. As you could imagine, any patient or colleague who coughs, sneezes, etc. basically causes everyone around to have a mini panic attack (or, maybe not everyone, maybe just me?? lol). My patients, understandably, are needing more support during this time, so I am having more frequent sessions and seeing an uptick in the number on my panel. This is fine with me though as I love what I do and giving therapy has a way of relaxing me as well. I am also very grateful that I will likely be able to see many of my hospital patients using technology as well (just seeing them via video from my office, which is located in a small secure building not attached to the main hospital.) I may still need to go to the hospital on occasion, but it won’t be as frequently as it was. They are trying to limit as much staff traffic as possible on the units I work because the population is so vulnerable, so the less people walking onto the floor the better. I really feel for my colleagues that are on the floor all the time, constantly prepping and waiting for the worst to hit. It feels like the calm before the storm over there - like when you see the sky turn purple in the distance and know that a tornado is headed your way. 

Being pregnant in the midst of all of this is just another added layer of complexity for me. On one hand, it does make me feel more stressed about potentially contracting the virus, because it’s not just me in my body and I want to do anything in my power to protect my little babe. I honestly feel like I would not be nearly as freaked out about getting COVID if I didn’t have this precious bean growing that took so many years and effort and prayers and tears to create. I am grateful that the (very small amount) of evidence thus far does not suggest much for adverse outcomes related to pregnancy and the virus, but I am also fearful knowing that the data is quite limited. I do know that pregnancy  suppresses my immune system and typically puts a woman at greater risk for complications with other respiratory infections/illnesses.

On the flip side, the opposite of being freaked out about being a pregnant healthcare worker during this pandemic, having this baby growing inside of me is such a welcome and happy distraction from everything! I love thinking about what it will be like when he/she finally arrives. I am nesting like a maniac at home, constantly cleaning and organizing and decorating our nursery and going in there and sitting in the rocking chair and imagining what our baby will be like. I’m singing to Bean, too, and it is so nuts - every time I do he/she just bounces all over the place! Either loves my voice or hates it. Lol. I am loving the time spent at home with my two favorite boys, too. Aaron has been making killer meals and Darwin is reveling in all of the mom and dad cuddle time (which, he had better soak up as his life is going to become quite miserable for him having to share his throne in a matter of months.) 

Well, I suppose it’s time for me to get some rest before another crazy day at the office tomorrow. It is just about time for Bean’s 9 pm gymnastics session :) Stay safe, healthy, call each other, and STAY HOME!

Here’s a random pic of me during Aaron and my trip to Deadwood in October. We found out we were expecting just a few short weeks after this was taken :) It reminds me of the beginning of this journey. We are hoping to return to the Black Hills for a long weekend in May (as long as this virus stuff settles down). 

[strangelyokay]

Everything's Fine, Slumps happen, Here's what to do.

Sometimes slumps happen, everything is moving, everything is not exactly going right, but also not bad, but everything still sucks. The days are quick, long, everything is just not worth doing, what’s the point, and if there is a point, the point is too far away to actually matter at the moment. Everyone has slumps, depression periods, everything sucks kind of vibes, and getting out of them can be a pain in the butt.

I’ve noticed a week ago that I was suffering from this annoying occurrence, I’m not doing much, but somehow, I can’t feel relax and refresh, instead, this super “ugh” mood is hanging over my head. However, this isn’t my first time in a slump, and I have mastered a couple of tips for anybody in school who has realized that they have too much time on their hands and are losing it or life just sucks. Don’t get me wrong, classes are hard and the homework piles on, but I’ve noticed that sometimes depression periods occur, all on their own and usually the school stuff suffers. Sometimes these periods occur while maintaining a job and school, that’s a nightmare, it's like the day ends too quickly and nothing productive seems to ever get done, all you want is the break time, the “me” time.

So, based on my experience alone, I have a list that might help indicate that you are in a slump. These are my personal tells, everyone is different, but I’m sure that someone else has had these specifically.

Here are some signs that you might be in a slump:

You overdo it on sleep, you stay up all night, then sleep all day, constantly.

So personally, I sleep late, I won’t say I have insomnia, because I know I can sleep, I just choose not to. Sleeping will get me closer to waking up and starting my stressful day, so I stay up, it's like running away. Also, if I have a lot to do, and I feel like I don’t have enough time for myself, I’ll stay up because I feel less guilty like I’m not wasting time doing things I actually want to do.

You eat once a day. I mean you eat properly one meal and then snack all day.

Honestly, if I have the money, I’ll buy nothing else but fast-food, I won’t cook. I’ll overeat in one sitting then have snacks for the rest of the day. If I don’t have money for quick junk food, I’ll cook one meal, and again snacks, sometimes I’ll make a late-night sandwich if snacks aren’t filling me up. Personally, the snacks are always sweet, and bread-like.

You have seen too much T.V.

I usually watch too much tv, it gets to the point where I start seeing things that I would never consider, just because I can’t find anything, I haven’t seen. I get so sick of it that I can feel my mind is melting and I start to think that if life is worth living, it can’t be to do this. I’m usually broke, and TV is free, and it’s too much work to do anything else. When you do try to do anything else, you feel like it’s too uncomfortable, and it was such a stretch to come up with something else to do that you just don’t want to do anything else.

You clean or maybe you don’t, but when you do clean, not often enough to keep the “house” tidy.

Suddenly your home is a pigpen, and you hate it, but its overwhelming to actually start picking things up. I feel great when my home is clean, it helps me feel on top of things, however in these slumps, I clean, but it gets dirtier.

You hate how you look, but working out seems pointless, you’ll quit anyway and then you’ll feel worst.

So, this one might be specific to me, but most of the time if I am in these slumps, I don’t feel great about myself. I focus too much on appearance and it really hits my self-esteem. I try to work out but feel so disheartened, even if the exercise made me feel great, I just “know” I’ll quit and find myself feeling silly for even trying or like a failure.

Here’s the worst about the whole thing, it’s a f****** cycle, everything connects and it’s impossible to actually get off the suck train, without actually constantly trying. If you stay up all night and then wake up at 3:00 pm you’re not really thinking about eating property, so you eat one meal, because you’re starving and then snack all day. You just woke up, you watch tv, its 5 pm and the day is gone, you don’t clean, or exercise by default, because it’s too late. When you decide to actually do better, you notice it’s hard to sleep early, you’re not tired, and since you have nowhere to be, you don’t find the urgency.  It's honestly annoying because you want to do better, but its SOOO hard and there’s absolutely no motivation. When there is urgency it's even worse, you start feeling the guilt.

So, I wouldn’t just talk about the terrible side-effects of a slump, without offering some sort of solutions. I will remind the reader that getting out of a slump is way harder, I mean it is so annoyingly more difficult, that it makes you not want to do it. That is ignoring the fact that in these slumps you already aren’t motivated to do anything.

Here are some solutions:

Go for a walk, preferably with a friend, but by yourself with music works well too.

So, this is the first one for a major reason, it sounds like the dumbest, but trust me it works. The reason is that in a slump you get sad, depress even. Someone told me once that a walk a day gives you the same effects as taking depression medication. Plus, the walk helps, you breathe in air, it forces you to actually think, instead of numbing yourself, and the scenery is different. I will say this one is just annoying to start though, especially if you become a hermit in the midst of the slump.

Exercise.

Yeah, this one is generic and in sucks, but there is a reason for it. Working out makes you tired, and it relaxes you, it honestly makes you feel good about yourself. You don’t have to be a pro on this, even 30 minutes helps, just do it more than once a week.

Clean one section at a time.

Even if the house is a mess, clean five dishes, then stop or maybe do one load of laundry, do small amounts, make it possible. It pushes you to progress, and eventually, doing all the dishes is possible.  You can use this method to finish your homework.

Wake up earlier than usual.

This one can be hard, hopefully exercising can get you tired enough to start sleeping earlier, but the waking up is the main goal. Like with the cleaning, you don’t have to be extreme, if you’re waking up at 3:00 PM, try 11:00 AM, then keep going. You will wake up less tried, less in a bad mood, and more likely to feel like a better person if you’re rested and alive in the morning (aim for 8 hours).

Find anything else to do besides T.V.

Read, paint, do puzzles, do anything that isn’t watching the screen, its easy to fall into a trap of technology, and it is numbing. You don’t want to keep numbing yourself with tv, it really makes you stay addicted to the cycle. If it’s a relaxing pass time, sure, but if you’re watching, just to watch, to not think, then do something else.

Basically…

It's not easy to actually get out of the everything sucks period, you’re basically changing your mentality, and that is the hardest to do. You have to stay positive, even when you’re not, and when you’re by yourself it's daunting and it seems impossible. However, even though it’s easier with someone’s help, sometimes they hinder the change and you make them your crutch. This change can be tricky, you have to be aware, but don’t pressure yourself, its hard already without making yourself feel like a failure.

As I said, I am basing all of this on my experience alone, so I’m not an expert, sometimes the slump has no rules, and self-help isn’t actually curing anything. Obviously, at that point go see someone professionally, it doesn’t make you weak. If you think it does, don’t tell anyone, just make sure to go anyway, try something once especially if what you were doing wasn’t helping.

Stay positive, acknowledge the small accomplishments and tell everyone to f*** off if they want to judge, everyone struggles at one point, just keep moving. You can do it, and if no one else does I believe in you.

Here are some links to articles on the benefits of exercising:

Exercise is an all-natural treatment to fight depression  

Running From the Pain

Comment Below!

[texthemess]

Matt & Elektra + finding an apartment together

this one i had waaaaayyyyy to much fun writing. since i have roleplayed matt murdock for a long time this was super in my interests. ugh. i hope you guys like it.

------------------------------------

Lush life.

( gif credit: elektranatchios )

A groan escaped beaten lips as the Murdock boy turned in his foggy state. Arms reaching above his head in order to stretch sore muscles. A dark haired beauty stirred beneath silken sheets next to him. Her voice trailed lightly as she reached for him tracing her hand lightly down his chest before coming to lay at his collarbone. That night before had taken a big toll out of both of them. He may be in pain now, but they definitely had fun together. 

The nights were, more fun, when Elektra was at his side. He would have it no other way truly.

Raising her hand to his lips he scattered light kisses upon smooth skin. They both had bruises to bare, yet it seemed he got the shit end of the stick. Then again, she was far more attentive than he was. It could be in his blind state, he could always pull that card. But truth be told she was just, better than him sometimes. Yet he would never admit to it. If he ever did he would be in big trouble that was for sure. She would never let him live it down.  

‘ Hey…we should get up. Get a start to the day. We have a few places we need to look at. That is, unless you wish to stay here in this loft of mine forever, ‘ he chuckled lightly under his breath as he sat up with a groan. Cursing off his sore body and whatever trouble they found themselves in the night before. She sighed out as she stretched across the entirety of the bed as he moved.

‘ Ahh as lovely as that sounds, unlike you that giant neon sign does in fact bother me and keep me awake at night, ‘ gentle laugh left lips as she rolled closer and ran kisses up his back to his shoulders. Sighing with content she pushed him up to get moving.

Elektra herself slipped from the silken sheets with ease as she took stride towards the bathroom. Her skin sleek in the light drowning in from the shades in the living room. That woman wouldn’t be caught dead sleeping in clothes. With a boyfriend who was blind and a bed so soft, who would waste time wearing clothing in bed? How boring. Plus it gave her the opportunity to mess with Matt every chance she got. She knew he could see her in his own way, that didn’t stop the blind jokes none the less.

Standing before the mirror she stretched arms above her head and let out a graceful yawn. Black hair cascaded down muscular back as she ran her fingers through the strands. Groaning at the sudden glance of a black and blue bruise that took over the skin of her shoulder. Lips poured as she realized she wouldn’t be able to wear her favorite dress that day. Eyes rolled as she washed her face, brushed her teeth, and made way to the small closet that held mostly her clothing.

Fingers fumbled through each hanger feeling the fabric of each piece. Free hand propped against hip as she tapped her forefinger lightly upon flesh, ‘ aha, ‘ there it was. A sleek red dress with long sleeves and a swoop neck to give enough cleavage to make herself confident in the day. As she slipped the garment over her body she tugged and settled the fabric by smoothing out atop her legs. Gave herself a twirl in the mirror and back to the bathroom to fix her makeup.

Matt was far less of an ordeal. Each worksuit labeled by day and week. Something foggy helped him with back in the day though matt was perfectly capable of putting his clothes together himself, he thrived in playing along with him until he ended up finding out the big secret. But it wasn’t a workday, it was a beautiful day off with a beautiful creature who was in the process of looking for a place for the two to move in together. He went for a basic long sleeve shirt that matched the intensity of style of her dress, dark jeans, and a warm jacket. Though they were in the middle of summer, New York still held its cold rainy days.

And how he much rather would take her clothes off and keep warm by rolling around in bed, or the floor, they still had things to do.

Clearing his throat he leaned against the frame of the bedroom sliding door as he smiled warmly. Unfocused gaze directed in her general area, “ are we ready to go? We’ve got a whole list Elektra, “ his voice calm and loving as she strides out of the bathroom heels clicking upon hardwood floor, ‘ ready. Let’s go. ‘ holding her arm out to him she nodded. Linking his arm within hers he used free hand to grab his cane, keys, and out the door they went.

The cool rainy air was refreshing to heightened senses as Matt’s eyes fluttered closed. Inhaling deeply as he cracked his neck side to side. His body tensed with the new found cold that seeped into his sore muscles, but god was it a good wake up call. Ears perked as he could hear Elektras skin raise with goosebumps and heart skip a beat. Smile tugged on lips as he leaned to her and placed a firm kiss upon her temple, “ Matthew, “ gentle laugh laced her voice within her throat.

The two walked slowly, taking their time down the street. The first location was not to far from the current loft Matt rented. A black car followed them slowly block by block in case they wished to use it. Elektra was so high end in her tastes. Yet she thrived in making Matt feel just as comfortable. If he wished to walk, they were to walk. Heels clicked against the concrete and echoed in Matt’s very soul. What would he do without her?

After a few minutes, some laughs, and light conversation the pair arrived at their first destination. A high end loft building in the midst of downtown. It was very tall, very clean. Matt chuckled under his breath and cleared his throat, “ oh come now Matthew have a sense of adventure, “ she tugged his arm inside as they arrived to the front desk. It was very classy from what he could sense. A water fountain trickled lightly within the quiet lobby. Some leather clad chairs surrounded a fire place that was lit and crackling with each pop of a wooden log. He could smell the fire from even outside. It was soothing.

“ hello there, my name is Elektra Natchios we have an appointment to tour some lofts, “ a few clicking of keys and a nod, the agent held his hand as he spoke quietly, ‘ please, follow me, ‘

This was all so much for Matt. The Murdock boy who grew up in the ghettos of Hell’s Kitchen. He never had much as a kid and certainly had little as an adult. It made for his life to be simple, uncluttered. The apartment he grew up in sometimes not even having electricity or water due to being turned off by lack of bills being paid. Though he was far better off now, especially with Elektra around, it still seemed too much.

As the elevator climbed dozens of floors, Matt seemed to drown out the escort who was informing them of all amenities and requirements of the building. Security protocols, courtesy officers, key cards for entry to almost every door in the building. It all was too much. Instead Matt listened to the sound of Elektras breathing. It kept him calm and blood soothed. Eyes fluttered closed as she inhaled, exhaled. Chest rising, and falling. Every so often a few strands of hair would fall and brush against her cheek. Sliding gently down porcelain skin. How he would do anything for her, kill for her, she brought out the best and worst of Matt Murdock.

The sudden ding of the elevator catapulted him back to reality as he groaned under his breath. He was in such a zone. Clearing his throat he followed, “ you are being quite the silent type sir, are you finding everything to your liking so far? “ shit he’s being talked to now. Head cocked to the side as he chuckled under his breath, “ oh yes, yes. This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever seen, er, experienced. “

Ah yes, the quick side step of, I’m actually blind nice to meet you. With a shake of her head Elektra squeezed his arm with reassurance. She knew this wasn’t really his style. And that was okay.

The loft was gorgeous from what he could sense. The walls smooth with marble tiles. Another fire place that lit with the flip of a switch. The propane smell filled his nostrils as it was flipped on. The lights soft and bright enough to not cause a headache. Elektra walked to the massive glass window. Ceiling to floor just as she liked it. The view of Hell’s Kitchen breath taking from that height. There was an island in the middle of the kitchen where she ran fingers lightly across the stone top. She loved it. Everything about it was her type of environment. That’s where the two seemed to differ in their relationship. Yet, if it’s what made her happy, it’s what he wanted.

Smile crossed Murdock’s lips as she walked around taking it all in. He was doing the same, in his own way that is.

Stairs that cascaded up towards the ceiling that lead to a second level. The bedroom on the other side of the wall with a bathroom fit for the queen she was. A waterfall style shower. Tilting her head Elektra bit the side of her lip. She whispered under her breath so only he could hear her, “ imagine all sorts of fun we could have in there, “ in the silence of the loft matt chuckled out. The escort glancing his direction with a raised brow, “ everything alright sir? “ “ yeah I’m sorry, i just remembered something I— my friend told me a funny story last night, “

Elektra smirked to herself as she returned to them, “ it’s gorgeous. I love it, “ Matt smiled warmly as she was glowing with excitement. This was definitely her speed. The escort clapped his hands together and motioned towards the door, “ wonderful. Shall we go fill out some paperwork? “ grabbing Matt’s hand she cleared her throat as they made their way back down to the bottom floor.

“ I would like to have time to think if it’s all the same with you. We will have an answer by the end of the day for you, “ a faint slightly defeated smile crossed the escorts face as he gave a slight nod, “ as you were. I am here until 6 pm. Otherwise you shall have to make another appointment, “ “ that won’t be necessary. Thank you for your time, “

With that she smiled warmly, grabbed his card, and out the front door they went. She knew Matt was hesitant and she took him to their favorite coffee shop around the corner down a few blocks. As they ordered and sat upon the soft plush chairs of the cafe, she reached over and placed hand upon his own gently squeezing him, “ I know that is not your level of interest, Matthew, “ clearing her throat she tilted her head as he listened to the hair dropping from her shoulders, “ if it is not a place you would feel comfortable, I don’t wish us to take it. But it is definitely the best option out of our list today. That doesn’t mean we can’t look for the rest of the week. “

With a shake of his head he reached up pulling her close to him and placing a gentle kiss upon her lips. Her heart skipping a beat every time he surprised her in such a way. A soft moan escaped her lips as he pulled away, “ Elektra your happiness is my own. If that is the place you wish to have, then it’s the place we shall call our own. I’m blind remember, what does it matter to me? “ he chuckled lightly as he brushed his thumb down and across her lower lip.

A faint smile as she returned the favor with her hand gently at the side of his face, “ you are too good for this world Matthew Murdock. I do not deserve you. But in my blessed state of calling you my own, let’s sign those papers so we can break in that new shower. I’m dying to test it out, “ she laughed out as he shook his head and crashed his lips against hers one more time.

The coffee they ordered was placed upon the table before them as she thanked the waiter. Lifting the cup to her lips she blew the hot air away slowly and downed a few sips. The warmth filling her soul and causing more goosebumps to raise on her skin.

Matt sat simply taking in everything around him, she was, simply put, his world.

[melonkooky]

exo reaction - their s/o having a nightmare

requested

genre: minor angst, fluff

please do not copy my work. but please like and reblog it. thank you!!!!

masterlist

kim minseok

you were crying, your limbs were tense but also felt numb. you found it difficult to wake up from it all... your biggest fear right in front of you. it was horrible. and finally, your eyes peeled open. you woke up in a cold sweat, your breathing was irregular. minseok was fast asleep next to you. you weren’t mad at him, he was a heavy sleeper and had been working all day. but, you were still shaken up and scared. you tugged on his arm, mumbling his name quietly. “minseok...”

he was a bit reluctant to open his eyes, but when he did, they instantly filled with panic and worry. he sat up in front of you, “hey, what’s wrong?”

he pulled you into a comforting hug, rubbing the back of your neck and shoulders comfortingly. you felt like a child but you couldn’t help it. this was something that scared you to death. “i had a nightmare.” you mumbled into his shoulder.

minseok smiled slightly, finding this state of you cute. “well, i’m here now. none of what you dreamed of is real. or at least will never, ever happen.”

you smiled, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. you pulled away from your boyfriend who smiled at you. “now go back to sleep. i’ll be right next to you.”

kim junmyeon

you and suho were fast asleep, the day having been long and tedious. but this well-deserved night sleep didn’t come to you. you unexpected started to dream terrible things. whether it’s spiders or clowns or the dark or being alone. you hated everything. you started to cry loudly in your sleep. things became so intense, you woke up with a sudden scream. this caused junmyeon to wake up unexpectedly and he too got scared from your scream. he sat up to ask you why you had screamed, and then checked the closet and doorway in front of him to see if there was anyone there. but then he noticed you were shaking, tears dripping off your jawline. his eyebrows knitted in concern. cautiously, not wanting to scare you he adjusted himself closer. as he went to hug you, he spoke to you to make sure you didn’t get scared when he touched you. “hey, love, everything’s alright now.”

you turned to him and let yourself be pulled into his chest. you instantly felt relieved and safe, but you were still scared to go back to sleep. both you and suho laid together until you were able to fall asleep. though it was hard for suho to stay awake, he made sure not to fall asleep until you did first.

zhang yixing

yixing was tired when he arrived him so he had went to bed first. you on the other hand decided that 10:00 pm was the perfect time to watch a horror movie. you thought it was one of your brilliant ideas. when the movie ended, you were scared and wished you had gone to bed with yixing. now being 12:00 am, every creak or cry from a bird outside seemed to make you jump. even the eerie silence of midnight made you scared. fortunately, you were able to climb into bed and fall asleep. 

however, your sleep wasn’t peaceful. those gory images from the movie flashed in your brain, those terrible beings and horrified faces. except, you were apart of all this. you were close to death. unknowingly, you started crying loudly, scared that you were going to die. yixing, who was laying next to you, woke up. he didn’t understand why because he didn’t hear anything or feel anything. but then he saw that you were crying, your hands were clenching the sheets under you. yixing shook you, “y/n, wake up.”

you got scared by yixing and he hushed you, using his voice to calm you down. “hey, hey. everything’s okay now. you were just having a nightmare.”

“nightmare...” you repeated, convincing yourself that nothing had really happened. you sat up. yixing rubbed your back and placed a kiss on your cheek. he looked at you and smiled, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

byun baekhyun

baekhyun was out in the living room. he had bought a new gaming console and now that he had time to play, he was playing. you still had to go to bed because you had work in the morning so if you had stayed up with baekhyun, you’d go into work looking like a zombie wearing work clothes. it was nearing 1:00 am and baekhyun was trying to finish up so that he could join you. as he was shutting down the console, he heard noise coming from the bedroom. he approached the bedroom and saw you. you were crying and seemed to be looking for something to latch on to. baekhyun ran over to your side of the bed. “y/n, baby, it’s just a nightmare. wake up.”

you did and baekhyun was the first thing you saw. you rolled over and baekhyun wrapped his arms around you, his hand coming up to stroke your head. “calm down. there’s nothing to be afraid of in here.” he whispered, trying his best to reassure you. 

once you seemed calmed down enough, baekhyun positioned himself next to you. “do you want to talk about it?”

depending on whether you would or not, he would either listen and tell you it’s okay or be understanding and try to get you to sleep some more.

kim jongdae

you and jongdae had fallen asleep on the couch. it was movie night, a tradition you started at the beginning of your relationship. you were on top of jongdae, though you were kinda falling into the back of the couch while jongdae was being pushed to the edge. the movie had long been over so the tv was just a black screen with a bit of light to give the room a horror movie vibe.

you were in the midst of a nightmare, something you haven’t had in quite a long time. at first you continued to sleep but then things started to get overwhelming. your hands clasped jongdae’s shirt, taking on a death grip. you had started crying and mumbling incoherent fragment sentences, your body becoming more lively. jongdae woke up from this. he was confused, not realizing that he fell asleep on the couch but then he saw that you seemed to be bothered. chen gently placed his own hand on top your clenched one and tried to get you to wake up. it took a minute but finally you did. you met him eyes and then just curled back into his side. jongdae whispered, “it’s okay... just calm down...” then he would hum a random melody into your ear. “none of it is real.” he’d reassure.

you were feel better after a while. jongdae would smile when you refused to show you face because you had been crying. but then he’d tell you that maybe you and him should sleep in a bed. his back was hurting.

park chanyeol

park chanyeol had been out with some of his friends. he told you he was going to be home late and you were completely fine with that. but while he was gone, you experienced a nightmare, one that was able to get your panicked and feel like you couldn’t wake up. everything felt like it was constricting you. but eventually you were able to wake up in a cold sweat. you found it difficult to breathe. immediately you reached for you phone to call chanyeol. you saw the time and your eyes widened. he was still out this late. but when you called, he picked up almost immediately. “hey, jagi? is everything alright? it’s late.” you could hear the concern in his voice.

you found it difficult to talk. “can you please come home?”

“of course.” and chanyeol hung out. he arrived twenty minutes later and by then, your breathing had evened out for the most part, but you were still crying and shaking. chanyeol was confused but pulled you into a hug. “hey, what’s wrong? what happened?”

you explained that you had a nightmare and what happened in your nightmare. you didn’t want to relive everything but you had to talk to chanyeol. he would shush you if you got worked up about it again. but then he’d tell you that he’ll shower and get dressed and then he’d cuddle you until you fell asleep, although it was likely that he was going to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

do kyungsoo

your nightmare was the worst you’d ever had. sure as a child it was about silly clowns or dancing furry things. but as an adult, those silly clowns now were covered in blood and had creepy smiles. and those dancing furry things were now spiders and scary beings that liked to be in the corners of your bedroom. they were bloody or unusually big. they scared the living hell out of you. you woke up just as a clown was reaching for you. your breathing was heavy and it made your head hurt. you touched your face and there were tears. you sighed, trying to calm yourself down and that’s when you notice kyungsoo next to you. he was fast asleep and you wanted to keep it that way. you slipped out of bed and went into the kitchen. you tried to be quiet when you were getting a glass but they had to hit the others as you were grabbing one. then you poured some milk into the glass, debating if the microwave would be too loud if you wanted warm milk. before you could make a decision, kyungsoo appeared next to you. he had his glasses on. “hey, what are you doing up?”

“i feel silly but i had a nightmare.” you mumbled, a bit of an embarrassed blush on your cheeks.

kyungsoo smiled and warmed your glass of milk up. he placed a kiss on your temple. he gently stroked your back before letting you drink your milk. and then he led you to the bedroom where he helped you fall asleep (with the sound of his voice).

kim jongin

your dream was particularly violent. normally you would keep still and wait until you woke up from it all. but this dream was very vivid and surreal. it felt like you really were at a risk of getting killed. just as your dream was at its peak, something happened in your dream. someone was charging at you with a stick and you instinctively lashed out, your fist coming to collide with this person’s cheek. but in the real word, you hit jongin. he woke up startled, thinking that you found out that he ate your leftover chicken. but he realized you were crying and you were still asleep. he shook you, ignoring the throbbing in his jaw. “babe, y/n.”

finally you woke up and jongin immediately pulled you into a hug, keeping you from hurting him or yourself. “everything’s okay.”

when you calmed down, you pulled away and realized that part of the sheets were on the floor from how violent you got. you looked at jongin. “i didn’t hit you, did i?”

jongin shrugged. “maybe you punched my chin.” you looked away guiltily but jongin grinned. “judging from how hard you hit, you probably knocked out whoever was coming at you. you probably killed the guy.”

you laughed and jongin smiled, glad that you weren’t crying anymore.

oh sehun

your dream didn’t involve clowns or giant, killing robots. no. your dream came from deep within. your dream was about your boyfriend. while in paris, france, sehun had found a nice girl who was just as well dressed as he was and they fell in love. you loved him so this broke your heart. you wanted to support him in his new relationship but you couldn’t bring yourself too. this resulted in you crying. you sat up in bed as quietly as you could, not wanting to wake up your sleeping boyfriend. but that grew hard so you had to leave the bedroom. you sat down on the couch and released your feelings. you didn’t want to be selfish so you felt guilty about this nightmare.

but sehun woke up because he realized you were’t in bed next to him. he sluggishly got out of bed and entered the living room where you sat. you weren’t crying anymore but you were spaced out. sehun sat down next to you and waved his hand. you blinked. “what are you doing up?” he questioned.

you shrugged. “i had a nightmare.”

“want to tell me about it?” you ended up telling him and he was understanding. he had to suppress a grin because your nightmare was a sign at how much your loved him. “well, i love you so i don’t think i’ll be leaving anytime soon. let’s go back to bed.” he reassured.

[andromeda---galaxy]

five photographs

Memories of the five main photographs in Philip’s photography portfolio

 --

 1.

 Philip walked down their hallway, his keys in his mouth as he finished off his text to Gabe. He sent it, slipped his phone into his pocket and stuck his key into the lock. His workshop was cancelled and he had yet to get an answer from Lukas, so he figured he was gonna surprise him.

 “Hey,” Philip said, as he pushed his way into the apartment. “Did you get my message?

 He looked around, only heard music blaring from their bedroom. The dogs ran up to him, both jumping and panting, and Philip spared them a couple pets before moving towards the sound. “Lukas?” he called, narrowing his eyes.

 Philip put his bag down on the bed, getting more and more interested in what Lukas was doing. The bathroom door was open and as Philip turned the corner he saw Lukas standing there in front of the mirror. There was a pizza box on the counter, open with two pieces missing, a half-eaten one sitting precariously on the edge. Lukas was swinging his hips back and forth to some loud, fast song Philip didn’t recognize, but more importantly, his hair was full of foils and sticking up every which way. There was bleach in a paper bowl in the sink, a bunch of brushes and clips close to their toothbrush cup.

 Lukas’s eyes found Philip in the mirror and went wide.

Philip just stared at him, covering his own mouth.

 “Hey,” Lukas said, still, blinking over and over. He clicked the music off, and the silence was thick. “You’re, uh, you—you’re supposed—I had like, two hours. To do this.”

 Philip felt delight boiling over in his stomach. “Cancelled workshop,” he said. “And I—don’t know why I’m shocked to see this. I’ve—I’ve always known it happened but I’ve only ever seen the result but this is—this is just—”

 “You weren’t supposed to see this—”

 “Oh, I’m seeing it—”

 “Philip!” Lukas whined, bracing his hand on the counter but still not turning around. “I need to keep some kind of air of mystery—”

 “Babe, you fart in bed all the time, there is no mystery left—”

 Lukas hung his head.

 Philip grinned, chills of pure happiness spreading out over his shoulders. “You look so fucking cute, it’s like—criminal.”

 Lukas turned around and it was even better from the front, two of the foils closest to the part in his hair sticking up like antenna. “I’ve hidden this from you—”

 “Lukas—”

 “I don’t care if anyone sees this, you could show George Clooney and I wouldn’t give a shit, but you—”

 Philip stepped forward, taking Lukas’s hands. “You are so dumb.”

 Lukas pouted at him. “This isn’t attractive,” he said. “I was like, I’ve been wondering if I should stop bleaching it—”

 “You know I like you blond,” Philip said, and he had the inclination to run his hand through Lukas’s hair, but there was no way to accomplish that with all the foils. But it brought his attention to it again and he grinned, another wave of joy running through him. “You can do whatever you want, but I love your hair and I love—this—just as much. So cute, Lukas, I can’t.”

 Lukas raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

 “So really,” Philip said, leaning in and kissing him hard. “Really really.”

 “You’re not lying?” Lukas asked, against Philip’s lips.

 “Nope,” Philip said. “Opposite of lying. You’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

 Lukas smiled then, blush blooming in his cheeks. “I’m sorry I’m eating right now,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting you—did you eat?”

 “A little bit,” Philip said, kissing him again and moving over towards the counter, picking up a piece of pizza and taking a bite. He couldn’t stop looking at him, how fucking adorable he looked. It felt like something precious that he got to see, that no one else was privy to. “How much longer do you have to have the foils in?” he asked.

 Lukas sighed, a sheepish little smile on his face. “Like half an hour. It’d be faster if I had a hair dryer but I never got one because I didn’t want you to find it.”

 Philip nearly spit out his pepperoni. “Lukas,” he said. “I don’t think your hair magically becomes blond, I know you’re naturally dark-haired, you could have—you’re so dumb, I love you.”

 “I love you too,” Lukas said, a smile still tugging at his mouth. “Do you love me enough to buy me a hair dryer?”

 “I’ll get you ten,” Philip said, taking another bite of his pizza. He stared at him for too long, probably, because Lukas widened his eyes and laughed, throwing his arms out.

 “What?” Lukas said, still laughing. “This can’t be cute to you. It really can’t be.”

 “I need to take your picture,” Philip said.

 Lukas nearly choked. “What?” he said. “Every time you’ve said that lately it’s gone into the portfolio pile—”

 “Yup,” Philip said, putting down his crust and marching out into the bedroom. “It’ll be my Mona Lisa.”

 “Oh my God.”

 Philip snatched up his camera and ran back, standing just outside the bathroom door. Lukas stared at him for a second, the overhead lights catching on the foils and shining. Lukas clicked his tongue and reached over, grabbing another piece of pizza.

 Philip gasped. “Oh, perfect,” he said.

 “Really?”

 Philip snapped a couple pictures. “Take a bite of it,” he said.

 “Does this turn you on?” Lukas asked, taking a bite of the slice just like Philip asked.

 Philip zoomed in, trying to frame the shot. “Yes!” he said, taking a few more pictures, one after the other. “I love this Lukas. I love foils Lukas.”

 Lukas grinned around the pizza and Philip’s heart sang with the depth of how much he fucking loved everything that was happening right then. “Foils Lukas,” Lukas said, chuckling.

 “So cute! About to be so much blonder!” Philip took a couple more pictures.

 “You’re gonna show people these?” Lukas asked, making eye contact.

 “Can I?” Philip asked.

 Lukas took another bite and raised an eyebrow, making for another good photo. “Yeah,” he said. “You really think I look cute? And not dumb? I know you’re the worst person to ask—”

 Philip held the camera down and frowned at him. “I am the best person to ask. And you’re the cutest. Never, ever dumb.” The opposite of dumb. The best person Philip knew. The most ideal muse, his favorite subject. Especially in the midst of dying his hair.

 ~

 2.

 It was super rare that Philip ever took naps and he startled himself out of one, blinking when he heard Izzy’s loud snores. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was only six pm, which kinda sucked because he knew this would fuck up his sleep later that night.

 There was a blanket draped over him and he stretched, looking around for Lukas. They’d been home from the cruise for two days and Lukas had been absolutely killing himself trying to be perfect. Philip had just kinda let him, his exhaustion settling into his bones and dragging him down. But soon enough he was gonna tell him to cool it, that it was all fine, because it was. It was fine.

 He sat up, rubbing his eyes, and when he looked to his right he noticed that the window to the fire escape was open. He leaned back so he could look out the window right behind him, and he saw Lukas out there, not wearing a shirt, just swinging his legs over the side.

 Philip hummed a little bit to himself and creaked to his feet, walking over and climbing out of the window, too.

 “Hey,” he said, walking over and sitting beside him.

 Lukas jumped a little bit, covering his heart. “You scared me.”

 “Sorry,” Philip said, rubbing his back. “What the hell are you doing out here? Shirtless.”

 Lukas snorted. “You like the shirtlessness?”

 “Duh,” Philip said, smiling at him. There was a new billboard for Wild Turkey on the building across from their apartment, and it buzzed orange, on and off, creating an other-worldly glow at all hours of the night. It shined on Lukas, and even though Philip’s eyes regularly gravitated to the bullet wound on his chest, it seemed like he was being drawn in by it. Like the edges of it were standing out in stark relief, carved a little deeper in the orange light. Philip tried to focus. “So why’re you out here and not cuddling me during my unscheduled nap?”

 “I wish,” Lukas said. He looked run-down. “I was just on the phone with dad and I came out here so I wouldn’t disturb you.”

 “Everything okay?” Philip asked, tracing his hand over Lukas’s shoulder.

 “Yeah,” Lukas said, but his face claimed otherwise. He swung his legs back and forth over the side of the fire escape. There were a few loud sirens in the distance, and Lukas sighed. “It’s just like—I don’t know, it was okay, things are still a little weird, but then I hear Sarah in the background and it just like—my face gets all hot and I start stuttering and like—I don’t know. I know I need to chill out, especially after what happened and I’m trying—”

 “I know,” Philip said, eager to soothe him. He rubbed the back of Lukas’s neck, leaning in and kissing his cheek. “I know, it’s okay.”

 Lukas dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I’m just sorry,” he whispered, his voice thick and raspy. “I keep like, thinking about it, all of it, I was looking at those cuts on your feet—”

 Philip kissed Lukas’s shoulder. “They don’t hurt, it’s fine—”

 “It’s just like, another thing that we can add to the list of my dumbass failures,” Lukas said, looking at him. “It’s just—”

 Philip reached out and pressed his fingers to Lukas’s lips. “Stop torturing yourself. It’s over, it happened, we’re learning from it. You know I get it, get why—you were angry, are still—weird about it. I just want you to keep me involved, and you know that.” He let his hand slide away, wrapping it around Lukas’s shoulder now. Lukas leaned into him. “We’re—a team. When you hurt, I hurt. I never want you to turn to drinking or drugs or whatever when you have me here.”

 He thought about his mom, then, how her doing drugs always felt like her turning away from him. He worried about it with Lukas during all the hell in high school, and on the cruise, seeing all those empty bottles—they liked to drink, but 99% of the time they did it together. And never under sad circumstances, never when they were afraid or down. It worried him. Struck him, made him feel separate.

 “Don’t worry,” Lukas said, like he was reading his mind. He kissed Philip’s forehead. “I was just being dumb, you know—my default setting.”

 Philip shook his head, brushing Lukas’s hair back. “We should hang with her more, when we go back to visit. Like less—cruise time, trying to make up for what happened time, more…just hanging out, actually getting to know her time.”

 “Probably a good idea,” Lukas said, sniffling a little bit.

 It tugged at Philip’s heart. He tipped Lukas’s face towards him and brought their mouths together, kissing him a couple times, softly. “I’m gonna go make dinner,” Philip whispered, kissing Lukas’s chin.

 “You’re gonna cook?” Lukas asked, smiling a little bit.

 “I’m gonna make an attempt,” Philip said, winking at him.

 “I can, babe,” Lukas said, leaning towards him as Philip got to his feet. “I’ll make that chicken—”

 “I’ll make that chicken,” Philip said, pushing Lukas’s hair back again. “Or, I’m gonna try to make that chicken and not poison us to death.”

 Lukas snorted. “I’ll help you.”

 “Okay,” Philip said. He walked a little towards the window but the orange glow caught his eye. Dusk was settling and night was falling over the city, the buildings sparkling and looming tall in the sky. The glow was illuminating Lukas like a full body halo, and Philip had to capture it.

 “Stay right there,” he said, pointing at him.

 “For how long?” Lukas asked, narrowing his eyes.

 “Just a sec,” Philip said, climbing back into the apartment. His camera was sitting on the coffee table because he was going through his cruise photos earlier—he grabbed it, trying not to trip over his own feet getting back to the window. Their fire escape wasn’t huge and Philip shoved himself into the corner, adjusting the shutter speed on his camera. He leaned back over the edge of the railing, situating himself and the shot.

 Lukas narrowed his eyes. “Babe, careful.”

 Philip tried to work with the light so Lukas’s scar was in focus and properly illuminated. He always thought of how easily Lukas could have been taken away from him. But he tried not to think of the scar as evidence that he was almost lost—he thought of it as a reminder that he survived. That he made it.

 “Stop making that face,” Philip said.

 Lukas cocked his head and Philip snapped a photo. “What face?”

 “Pissy face.”

 Lukas stuck his tongue out and squeezed his eyes shut.

 “No!” Philip exclaimed. “You’re the worst model.”

 “I am the best model.”

 “Show me then, sexy.”

 Lukas rolled his eyes but he was suppressing a major smile, and it was so fucking cute that Philip took about ten pictures in a row trying to catch it.

 “Just look out,” Philip said. “Think of me.”

 A soft, fond smile graced Lukas’s face then. And it was perfect.

 ~

 3.

 Philip took Lukas back to Posh after his 21st birthday as a surprise, and at first Lukas didn’t even notice that it was the same gay club they’d gone to when they stole away to New York in high school, when they were trying to get away from it all. The same gay club he’d rejected in a huff. The same gay club they kissed outside of, in public, for the first time. He just stood there, looking around, and turned back to Philip with a sly smile on his face. Philip had to admit, despite how far they’d come and the changes Lukas had undergone, he was a little bit worried about what the reaction would be. But Lukas just smiled, looking around again like it was a new place, because he was a new person. Then he tugged Philip in by the belt loops and dragged him over to the bar to order a drink. They didn’t dance, they just sat and talked and made out in one of the back corners. It was a great time.

 They went back again after they got engaged, because Lukas asked if they could. Philip could see the ghost of the past in there but the promise of the future too, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been more proud of anybody than he is of Lukas.

 “You still got that Rick Anderton ID?” Philip asked, nudging into him.

 “Somewhere,” Lukas said, grinning. He was about two and a half drinks in, the kind of drunk where he kept blinking really slowly and smiling when he realized that Philip was still there. The bartender had learned their names and kept coming over to check on them, give them water, and Philip felt really safe here. Everyone was laughing, smiling, dancing, getting to know each other. The past was slowly receding—all of it.

 He loved the way it looked in here, with all the lights draping back and forth across the bar and the dance floor. It shimmered in neon hues, reflected off the bottles balanced behind the bar. He aimed his camera and took a picture—he’d been messing around with the settings, and he liked the active imagery he’d been getting in here.

 Lukas wrapped his arms around Philip from behind, kissing his shoulder. “You like Rick Anderton more than me still?”

 Philip laughed, bumping into the bar as Lukas stumbled forward. “Yes,” he said. “There’s just something sexy about him, I don’t know—I can’t put my finger on it—”

 Lukas scoffed and turned Philip around, his camera getting caught between them. “What about Lukas?” Lukas asked, eyes wide. “Lukas is like, way—like way, way more attractive.”

 “Yeah, maybe,” Philip shrugged, grinning up at Lukas. “I do like—this nose.” He reached out and ran the pad of his thumb over it.

 “Yeah?” Lukas asked, holding his head high. “Anything else?”

 Philip stared at him. Everything. Everything was his favorite. Every detail of Lukas was the best thing he’d ever looked at.

 “Nah,” he said. “Just your nose.”

 Lukas clicked his tongue and leaned in, kissing Philip on the tip of his own nose. “C’mon,” he said, tugging on Philip’s hand.

 “What?” Philip asked, his brow furrowing.

 “Wanna dance!”

 “You?” Philip exclaimed, still being tugged along. “You or Rick Anderton?”

 “Both!” Lukas yelled. He pulled Philip forward until they hit the edge of the dance floor and then he let go, bouncing around on the balls of his feet. The strobe lights were flying every which way and this wasn’t their kind of music, neither of them really danced, but fuck—Philip was mesmerized by him. A few other guys started dancing around next to him and Philip laughed—he remembered Lukas getting angry, stomping out and away that first time—he can’t imagine what it would have been like then if any of these men had tried to get near him. But he was dancing here and now without a care, adorably tipsy and ridiculously happy.

 Philip took his picture. He took a bunch because everything was moving so fast and he couldn’t tell how they were coming out. He looked down and clicked through them, and one nearly took his breath away. Everything was alight, everyone in motion except for Lukas. He was clear and bright, a smile on his face and his eyes closed.

 Probably the best damn photo Philip had ever taken.

 “Come on, babe,” Lukas yelled. “Come on, come on! Your camera’ll be okay baby just dance with me!”

 Philip grinned, knowing this was probably one of his only opportunities to dance with Lukas like this unless he specifically requests it. “I’m coming,” he said, walking in and taking Lukas’s outstretched hand.

 ~

 4.

 Philip had never liked Times Square. There was always too much going on, and whenever he was there with Mom she never seemed happy. Like all the lights distracted her, took her somewhere else in her head, somewhere he had a hard time bringing her back from.

 But when Helen and Gabe came up with Bo, the five of them went through the touristy route, hitting the Empire State Building, the One World Trade Center, Broadway and Times Square. Philip figured he could get a couple good pictures of them there. He always liked how Lukas looked lit up.

 They pushed their way through crowds and Philip liked the way their parents followed him and Lukas around when they were here. Philip knew Helen could navigate the city, but she always let him lead when they came to visit. It made him feel good, and emphasized even more that this was their home.

 Lukas bumped into Philip’s shoulder. “You think he’s acting weird?” he asked, quietly, briefly looking back over his shoulder.

 “Your dad?” Philip asked, trying not to be too obvious.

 “Yeah maybe,” Lukas said, shrugging as they continued to walk along. “Maybe talking too much?”

 Philip snorted. “Maybe he’s just excited to be here.”

 Lukas smiled a little bit. “Maybe. He just keeps talking like, way more than he usually does.”

 “I think it’s pretty cute they’re all best friends now.”

 “Yeah, like,” Lukas said, shaking his head, “going out to trivia nights and shit. Never would have thought, I guess he just needed some people to hang out with.”

 Philip loved the way it felt, that their little broken families came together like puzzle pieces in so many different ways. He wished their lost people were here, but if they had to go on without them, he thought they were doing pretty good.

 “Why is it so busy?” Helen called, as they rolled up on Times Square itself. “It’s almost midnight, Philip.”

 Philip laughed at the way she said it, like it was his fault, like he called all these people here just to irritate them. “City that never sleeps,” he said over his shoulder, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

 “I hope that doesn’t apply to you two,” she said.

 “I can imagine them gallivanting around the city at all hours,” Bo said.

 “Gallivanting,” Lukas mocked, grinning as he elbowed into Philip.

 “That’s what we do,” Philip said, as they crossed the street. “Just—run all over the place. All over the city. Aimlessly.”

 “No wonder you have so many friends,” Gabe said, and when Philip looked over his shoulder, Gabe was smiling.

 All the screens were screaming advertisements down on their heads, the Toshiba sign flashing on and off. Chicago boasted itself as Broadway’s sure thing, a sultry lady lounging larger than all five of them put together. Helen approached the George M Cohan statue and stared up at it, and Philip wondered if he’d ever remember to look up who that guy was.

 “Aw, we should have seen Kinky Boots,” Helen said, looking to the side and seeing the advertisement for it looming large.

 “Not sure I would have enjoyed that as much,” Bo said, but with a laugh.

 Lukas shook his head, looking at Philip.

 There were a bunch of off-brand superheroes traipsing around and harassing people for photographs, minions with strange boggling eyes worse than the original ones from the movie he and Lukas still hadn’t seen. There was the same bible-touting man that was always here whenever Philip managed to make a trip over, and he looked ancient, the lines in his face deep as he sat and cast his judging gaze upon them all.

 Lukas was looking over at him too. The sign he was holding said “Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect”

 “He always used to be here,” Philip said, finding the foggy memories in the depths of his mind. “Guess he’s still doing it.”

 Lukas took Philip’s hand and just hummed to himself.

 “Hey, hey, hey,” an unfamiliar voice said. Philip saw the tall man walking up before either one of them could say anything, and then he draped a long, huge, ridiculously big and scary snake around Lukas’s shoulders.

 “Ohhh my God,” Lukas exclaimed, huffing and puffing and immediately letting go of Philip’s hand, stepping back out of some subconscious form of protection. “Is it—is it, is this—is this—dangerous? Is—am I—”

 “You’re not in any danger, buddy,” the tall man said, and he jingled a little cup he was holding in his hand.

 Bo stepped forward and put a couple dollars in the cup. “Well this sure isn’t an image I ever thought I’d see.”

 Philip’s heart was racing but he was smiling strangely, fumbling for his camera, trying to visualize the shot.

 “Girl or boy?” Helen asked.

 “That’s my lady,” the tall man said. “That’s Miss Stella right there. You can pet her, you can pet her—”

 “Philip,” Lukas said, looking up with wild eyes. He laughed little tiny stilted laughs that made Philip laugh too. “Look!”

 “I’m looking,” Philip snorted, finally grabbing his camera and trying not to shake. He bent down a little bit and right as he snapped his first picture, a tour bus drove by in the background that said NEW YORK, NEW YORK on the side of it. He walked around Lukas and took a couple more from every angle. Lukas was still as a statue, only his eyes following Philip, the snake moving slow and sure, taking it all in. Philip wondered how many shoulders she’d been on in her life. He couldn’t picture her on a better set.

 “Okay I’m pretty sure I’m dying,” Lukas said, laughing nervously. Philip rushed over and pulled two dollars out of his pocket, stuffing them in the guy’s cup as he took Miss Stella off of Lukas. He didn’t say goodbye or thank you or anything, striding off towards another susceptible family.

 Helen, Bo and Gabe laughed as Lukas stumbled over to Philip, collapsing against him.

 “You should hold a tarantula next time,” Bo said, knocking Lukas in the shoulder.

 “Yeah, right,” Lukas muttered. He turned his face into Philip’s neck and Philip laughed, petting the back of his head. “Not what I expected when we said we were coming here.”

 “Me either,” Philip said.

 “You get some good pictures?”

 “Yeah,” Philip said. “I think so. Might be some quintessential New York shit.”

 “Yeah,” Lukas said. “Quintessential New York. Where anything can happen.”

 “Come on,” Helen said, tugging on Lukas’s arm. “I wanna climb those stairs.”

 “We can pick up Miss Stella,” Gabe said, as Lukas straightened up and both of them looked at him. “Take her with us.”

 “Let’s not push it,” Lukas said, following Helen and Bo. “I think I’ve had my fill of snake holding for—the rest of my life.”

 Philip briefly flipped through his photos. “Looked real sexy doing it though.”

 Lukas scoffed, taking his hand again as they breezed past the bible guy. “Hopefully you find other things I do sexy so I never have to do that again.”

 “Oh, definitely,” Philip said, grinning up at him. “I can make due.”

 ~

 5.

 After the first gay pride parade Lukas seemed to get a taste for it. Surprisingly, they’d managed to make more friends at events and situations than in any of their classes—Lukas wasn’t the biggest talker, never had been, but he opened up a lot better when he saw people that were like him. He actually said something along those lines once, nonchalant and in the middle of conversation, and it, of course, sent Philip into a silent frenzy of comparing the past and the present.

 He watched as Lukas got ready for the parade. When they first moved here Philip had bought him rainbow shit, things he’d normally wind up sleeping in and wearing on the occasion when nothing else was clean. But then he started including more and more rainbow designs into his wardrobe, when he wasn’t decked out in plaid. He’d go all out for the parades, and he picked out one of Philip’s favorites that he owned, rainbow tie-dye with LOVE IS LOVE printed in bold black on the back.

 Philip hugged him from behind and kissed him between his shoulder blades.

 He always took lots of photos when they were marching, sometimes chastised himself because he wasn’t paying proper attention to all the beauty that was going on around him. But Lukas was the perfect subject. He was vibrant among strangers, constantly smiling, and people seemed to flock to him. He was chatting with whoever came up to him, would happily introduce Philip as his boyfriend. He chanted and waved at cameras, swung the flag they bought together at the Village Party Shop like he couldn’t be more proud to do it. He was cooler than fucking cool.

 Philip fell back a little bit so he could get a photo, framing it so he could see the words on Lukas’s back, the flags all around him and his flag in the air. Seemed like it was just him, rainbows and the sky. Philip took a bunch, including the moment when Lukas turned around looking for him.

 “Hey!” Lukas called, stopping in his tracks and gently moving around a few couples who kept going next to him. “Babe.”

 “Coming,” Philip said, running to catch up with him. He let his camera hang around his neck and reached down, taking Lukas’s hand.

 Lukas just looked at him for a couple long moments, and Philip cocked his head at him. “What?” Philip asked.

 Lukas chewed on his lower lip and looked straight ahead. “I just—I was thinking about how I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You know, here, as in—somewhere like this. Sometimes it hits me hard, I know I’ve said it before but like—I just know it.”

 Philip leaned into him a little bit. “You would have found your way,” he said.

 Lukas shook his head definitively. “No. Not without you.” He clicked his tongue. “Without you—I’d probably still be wasting Rose’s time and hating myself. Getting farther and farther away from my dad. Thinking about—thinking about things I shouldn’t think about.”

 Philip’s heart lurched. He stopped and Lukas stopped with him, turning to face him. “Hey,” Philip said, softly, cupping Lukas’s face in his hands. He leaned in and kissed him hard, trying not to think of what life could have been like if their paths had never crossed. He knew the world wasn’t perfect, his life wasn’t perfect, but they were perfect. Their relationship was the best goddamn thing to ever happen to Philip. It was the hallmark of his life, the thread of electricity holding everything together. He was so, so happy they made it, that Lukas was able to find himself, find love with him. Fuck, Philip couldn’t believe it. How far Lukas had come. He felt like he’d be questioning it every day for the rest of his life. But thanking God for it, too.

 He tried to break the kiss but Lukas openly deepened it, making something twist in Philip’s stomach and causing people around them to start hooting and hollering.

 Finally, they broke, and Lukas pressed another quick kiss to Philip’s cheek. “Thanks for making me me, babe,” he said.

 Philip smiled, getting a little teary. He didn’t know what to say, so he just kissed him again. He was so fucking proud of Lukas. So, so proud of how he accepted himself, embraced himself, lived as who he really was.

 ~

 Philip sits down in front of Mr. Woods, and he’s holding his folder of photos so tight in his hands that he’s sure he’s going to crumple the prints. His heart is hammering in his throat and he doesn’t think he’s been this nervous in a long time, not since something really serious and shitty happened. This shouldn’t be shitty, this should be good—Mr. Woods is gonna give him pointers on which pictures will be best, if he’s doing a good job arranging them, and hopefully help him make an awesome portfolio that’ll score him an A in this class and secure his photography degree.

 “Alright,” Mr. Woods says, pushing his glasses a little further up his nose. “Let’s see those photos.”

 He holds out his hand and Philip hands over the folder a little reluctantly. He doesn’t know why he’s being so paranoid about this. He loves his pictures of Lukas, and is so glad he chose him and New York as his focus because they’re two of his favorite things to look at. But it feels like he’s handing over the most important, intimate parts of his life for his professor to scrutinize—he knew that would be the case, knew that’s exactly what the department wanted, but part of him feels like he needs to protect his life, protect Lukas and the perfect thing they’ve made here, hold his life close to his chest because anyone, anyone could want to take it away.

 Mr. Woods is quiet, silently regarding each photo for a few moments a piece. Philip is a little worried at first that he isn’t saying anything, but then he realizes it’s probably better, that it means he’s devoting his attention to looking at each and every one of them. He keeps seeing Lukas’s shock of blond hair in all their favorite places and Philip is still unsure which of these is the best and should be highlighted. He’s only gonna blow up five, the rest of them ordered up and put in between, and he knows the main five have to be the absolute fucking best. He has a hard time picking because he loves every image of Lukas known to man, especially the ones taken by him.

 He shifts in his seat as Mr. Woods keeps looking, handling each image like they’re something precious, and Philip discreetly looks at his phone.

 You are the most talented person I know! Amazing and awesome and talented and the most! Wonderful! Human!

 Philip’s heart swells. I love you he quickly types back, sending it. He clears his throat. It feels like a million years have gone by. But the look on Mr. Woods’s face is promising. Philip expected worse.

 Finally, Mr. Woods looks up. “These are wonderful, Philip.”

 Philip deflates. “Yeah?”

 “Yes,” Mr. Woods says, nodding. “You really have a good eye, especially for Lukas. It’s like when you see him you know exactly how to frame your shot—no matter where he is in the photo, he draws your eye. Your use of color with him is great, did you set any of these up, like what he’s wearing?”

 “His outfits?” Philip asks. “No, he always pretty much wears what he wants.”

 “Worked out very well,” Mr. Woods says. “I do have some particular favorites, ones I’d absolutely say you should highlight as your main five, and I hope you’ll agree with me. I’ll pick ‘em out and tell you the order I recommend.”

 “Okay,” Philip says, nodding. Mr. Woods pushes five photos forward and Philip’s heart sings, as they’re the exact ones he’s been leaning towards. He clears his throat and pulls his chair closer. “Wow, yeah—we’re on the same page.”

 “Really?” Mr. Woods asks. “On all five?”

 “Yeah,” Philip says. “Those have been feeling like the ones.”

 “Good,” Mr. Woods says, nodding. “I’d go foils first, because it feels like a very intimate introduction to your life and your relationship. There’s some good detail. It gives us a lot of Lukas’s personality.”

 Philip laughs, nodding.

 “Then the fire escape photo, which is…gorgeous. It adds an air of mystery, it’s a completely different tone from the first one, the lighting adds a whole other layer. Is it…is it a gunshot wound on his chest?”

 “Yes,” Philip says. “Uh—we got mixed up in a whole thing in high school, both of us almost died, but he—came a little closer than me.”

 Mr. Woods just stares at him for a second. “Well, I’m—I’m sorry to hear that—”

 “It’s fine,” Philip says. “We’re—we’re doing good, we’ve made it past it.”

 “Well, you’ve done an excellent job highlighting it in this photo, and instead of making it look sinister, which red and oranges tend to do, you’ve made it seem like more of a survival story. The way you’ve framed it and your focus, it seems uplifting. Like blood is pumping, life is being lived. The use of negative space adds to it.”

 “Awesome,” Philip says.

 “The next one for me would be the club and the dancing—I love putting it after the introduction to the gunshot wound because it demonstrates exactly what you were going for—survival, thriving. The use of motion is incredible, and it seems like they’re all pointing towards him, drawing your eye. It feels like there’s a real story there, a lot of past, like overcoming. The colors are beautiful. Then the snake—I love that. Unplanned?”

 “Completely unplanned,” Philip laughs. “Some guy just—came over—”

 “You can see it in his eyes,” Mr. Woods says, grinning. “But I love how his focus is on you, like he’s trying to look calm and cool for you. The tattoo, too—love how you can see it alongside the snakeskin. Your name and I assume your heartbeat, it says something here. I like the offsetting, the contrasts of color—you also did a real good job drawing the attention to Lukas’s face when you have an interesting animal in frame, too.”

 Philip thinks this is going well.

 “And the last one—well, it’s beautiful. I’d end with this, absolutely. It feels jubilant, like an encapsulation of your whole journey—once again, use of negative space really adds to what you’re going for. I like the little flags hanging on the edges and flanking him, all of them facing in the opposite direction to his own flag. The message, too.”

 “Thank you,” Philip says. He hardly knows what to say. It sorta, weirdly, feels like therapy.

 Mr. Woods nods at him. “You hint at your whole story, but keep it close to your chest. You make the audience want to know more with every new photograph. New York is a character in and of itself, making for this really comfortable and homey backdrop to the journey you and Lukas are going on. It feels like discovery, partnership, newness and old entwined—like you’re owning the past and building on it together. That’s what comes across with your photos.”

 It’s so spot on. All his feelings. Philip swallows hard, feeling strangely sick and excited at the same time. “That’s…exactly what I was going for.”

 “Well, you’re well on your way to being finished with the project,” Mr. Woods says, leaning back in his chair. “I’d just fill out the in-betweens, meet the minimum, and continue on the line you’ve been toeing all along. You’ve created an air of protection and closeness and that goes along with what you’ve been revealing about Lukas and your relationship. It seems like something very special.”

 “Thank you,” Philip says again, clearing his throat. “Wow, you’re—it’s so weird, you’re really getting what I wanted out of these. Things I might have even put in there subconsciously just because they’re…how I feel.”

 “Well, that means you did a good job,” Mr. Woods says. “Accomplished your goal.”

 “I guess,” Philip says, laughing.

 “You think you might be interested in a showcase, once you get your final grade?” Mr. Woods asks. “I’ll be clear, if you continue in this same vein you’ll definitely be getting an A grade—”

 Philip grins, reaching up and trying to cover his smile.

 “—but we normally pick out five or six different portfolios to blow up and put on display in this Arts exhibition in Central Park right before graduation. You think you’d be interested in that? Lukas could come, people always like it when the subjects are there.”

 Philip’s heart is hammering against his ribcage. “Yes, yes—definitely, that sounds amazing.”

 “Well, alright,” Mr. Woods says. “Thank you for sharing your work. You’re very talented, Philip—you’ve got a bright future ahead of you. Both of you, I’m sure.”

 “Thank you, Mr. Woods,” Philip says, feeling like an idiot on repeat but there’s way too much gratitude overwhelming him, so he’s gotta let it out. “Thank you so much.”

 ~

 The dogs rush up when Philip steps into the apartment and Lukas is there at the dining room table, what looks like his homework spread out in front of him. “Hey!” he says, getting to his feet when he sees Philip. “How’d it go?”

 Philip takes off his backpack, puts his prints aside on the counter and leans down, kissing both dogs on the head. Then he walks over and throws himself against Lukas so they both fall back into the dining room chair, Philip in Lukas’s lap. Lukas makes a little surprised noise and Philip kisses him over and over and over, running his thumbs back and forth along his jawline.

 “Mmm,” Lukas hums, hands gripping Philip’s waist. “I guess it went well?”

 “Oh yeah,” Philip says. “Oh—oh yeah. You’re the best model, Lukas.”

 “Told you.”

 “You were right.”

 “You’re the best photographer.”

 “No, but you’re—you’re the best, period.”

 Lukas snorts as Philip kisses him again.

 “I might get an exhibit in the park if I ace this,” Philip says, between kisses. “And he—he really implied that—that I was gonna ace it.”

 “Babe!” Lukas exclaims, pulling away from him. “That’s fucking amazing!”

 Philip laughs, exhilarated, and buries his face into Lukas’s neck.

 “Jesus, you deserve this,” Lukas says, holding him tight. “I’m so happy.”

 Philip can feel the dogs dancing around, licking at his ankles. “Me too,” he says, kissing Lukas’s throat. “Me too.”

[just-a-kj-blog]

I Can’t Stay Any Longer - Part 7

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Hello! I decided to repost my stories on my new blog. If you have any questions, feel free to send me an ask or a pm. This was written about a year ago, so be nice heheheh

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Relationships: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Reader and Bucky are living together following the events of Ultron and, in the midst of a nightmare, Bucky does something he truly regrets. This follows Bucky’s confrontation with the group. Now, it’s back to the hospital... (Y/n - your name)

Warnings: angst, blood, injured reader, swearing, hospital scenario

Word Count: 3223

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Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Epilogue

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<3

I Can’t Stay Any Longer - Part 7 by just-a-kj-blog, previously nenyakj

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Previously:

Bucky’s POV:

Steve looks up at me, eyes sad but determined.

“One day at a time, Buck. One day at a time.”

Leading me into the quinjet, I avoid the others and sit by the bay door, hunched over, staring at my hands, as Stark flies us back to New York.

How can I face her again?

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Y/n’s POV:

The beeping of the heart monitor stirs me from a restless sleep. Prying open my swollen eyes, I glance around the hospital room. The only light shining is the glow from the space under the door, the distant sounds of nurses talking quietly the only thing I can hear in the hallway.

Sighing, I move to adjust the position of my butt and inhale sharply at the pain exploding through my chest. Oops, forgot about that.

Oh god, time for more pain meds. Oh but first…. Nature is calling like a bitch.

Xiomara and Jennifer had left, their shifts ending about, hmm what time is it? I squint at the plain white clock on the wall above the sink and cabinets across from my bed. Five in the morning. My idiot superheroes had left about midnight, leaving me to cry myself into a very miserable sleep. The lovely nurses had left about 3 hours ago, explaining that Dr. Sanders did not want me to have a catheter put in. He wanted me to get up, with help from the nurses, and walk the few feet to the bathroom, so as to help the blood flow and circulation. They promised to return tonight, wishing me a very peaceful and restful day.  Sweet girls.

The nurse who replaced them is a very big man. Tall and muscular. Not like bodybuilder muscular but the kind that works out probably three times a week.

I really don’t want to bother Riddick at the moment. That’s the name I’ve given him in my pain med induced silliness. Dude is bald and ripped and just frickin built like a mountain. And I really don’t want him helping me lift my hospital gown to go pee.

Eyeballing the equipment attached to me, I twist my mouth to the side, humming.

Ok, I can do this.

I cheer myself on. I had watch the girls take everything off a few times, I can figure this out. Detach the clippy thingies from the stickers on my chest, tug off the auto blood pressure cuff, take off the pulse and oxygen rate thing on the tip of my index finger. And bingo!! I only have to wheel the IV stand with me.

Taking a somewhat deep breath, I slowly raise the head of the bed, wincing as it folds my abdomen, squishing the bruises and lower incisions.

Carefully moving both legs over the side of the bed the IV stand is on, I grip the stand in one hand and the bed in the other. Heaving myself up, I teeter for a moment, gasping at the rush of dizziness and soreness.

Ooh I forgot what it was like to stand up… c’mon legs, we’ve done this before.

Once my vision clears and my legs are somewhat sturdy, I step slowly to the en suite bathroom.

“Ha ha!!” I quietly cheer as I lower myself to the toilet. I relax and hum happily, taking in the large bathroom once again. I had oo-ed in awe the first time I came in here. It’s larger than any I’ve ever seen, and far more stylish. The walls are painted a lovely cream color. There’s a large grey vanity with a cushioned seat and a small vase of white carnations; a large walk in shower stall with white tile. My favorite thing is the huge, oval, black jacuzzi bathtub, fit with tons of little jets and the floor molded like a recliner seat, a vinyl pillow as a headrest. Definitely gonna have to try that out before they send me packing.

After doing my business, I realize I forgot about something. I have to clean myself. And that’s not happening with the tight wrappings around my torso and fresh incisions and the absolute agonizing pain I’m trying to ignore.

Shit.

In my moment of self deprecation, I fail to notice the alarms going off on the equipment by the bed. In hindsight, I really should have just told them I had to pee and am not currently without a pulse or oxygen.

The door bursts open, lights flickering on, as Riddick and a team of nurses pile inside, defibrillator at the ready. They come to a shrieking halt when they find the bed empty. I have a perfect view of this because I ingeniously left the bathroom door wide open, right in view of the bed.

Riddick turns and starts barking commands at the nurses, but freezes when he sees me propped up on the potty, staring at him like a fucking idiot.

Anger flits across his terrifying features and, for a moment, I think this is it. I’m going out in style, strangled to death by a mountain of a man, on the john.

“Y/n, what are you doing?!” he commands, turning fully towards me and stalks into the bathroom.

I stare up at him, my jaw hitting the floor. I’m absolutely speechless. No words. Nothing. Nada.

His eyes soften and he squats down in front of me so he’s not looming.

The other nurses murmur to each other, turning off the alarms and leave with the defibrillator, some not looking very happy, others cracking up at my apparent “escape to the potty”.

“Are you alright?” he asks softly, looking me over, checking the IV insertion site in my elbow.

Thankful my hospital gown is long enough to cover my modesty, I nod.

“I uh… I had to use the restroom,” I stutter out.

He smiles back up at me.

“You could have asked for a female nurse to help you if that would make you more comfortable,” he says quietly like it’s a conspiracy and widening his eyes.

“Huh. Yeah, did not think of that,” I respond, smiling and tilting my head, watching him fiddle with the IV.

“Were you able to urinate?” he asks, looking back down at my arm.

Blushing, I nod.

“That’s good, means kidneys are functioning properly,” he smiles again, moving his head closer to my arm.

Frowning, I stare at his bald head. “Were you worried about my kidneys not functioning?”

“Well, with any emergency surgery, time is a factor. Sometimes things get bumped or nicked,” he explains, securing the clear square of tape covering the IV now that he’s fixed it.

“Huh,” I answer. “Good to know.”

Looking back up at me, he smirks. “How’s the pain? Scale of 1 to 10? One being almost none and ten being the worst you’ve ever felt.”

Taking a moment, I focus on the pain, my brow furrowing.

“About an eight,” I reply, wincing.

“Alright, it’s time for more meds. We really don’t want that pain level to be any higher than a four. Let me get one of the other nurses in here to help you clean up and I’ll bring you your next dose, yeah?” He pats my arm and stands as I nod my consent. Watching him leave, I exhale a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

Bashing my head against the wall, I mutter, “Idiot.”

--------------------------------------

A lovely young nurse named Delilah came in about two minutes later. She was so cute, laughing and telling me that my “escape to the bathroom” story has spread like wildfire throughout the wing of the hospital.

Laughing along with her as she helps me clean up, I secretly hope it’s taken place of the “victim of domestic violence” story that was probably spread around when I first arrived. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, it wasn’t my fault. But I hate being labeled a “victim” and only being seen as one.

“Ok, girlfriend, back to bed,” Delilah chirps at me, holding out her arm for me to brace myself on. I lift my arm and get a whiff of my body scent.

Oh lord I need a shower.

Giving her the best puppy dog eyes I can muster, I look up at her and pout, sticking out my bottom lip.

“Can I please take a shower?” I ask quietly.

She melts at my look and smiles sadly.

“Aw, sweetie, I wish I could let you take one. But we’ve got to keep those stitches dry while you heal. We can sponge you off if you like?” she offers.

“Yes, please, oh my god, I can’t stand myself right now. Just don’t let Riddick do it.”

“Riddick?” she asks, eyebrows quirked, confused.

“Oh, the um… the big guy?” I squeak, blushing to the roots of my hair.

Delilah stares at me for a moment, then throws her head back and bursts into peals of laughter.

“You mean Derek?? Oh my god, girl!!! Wait til I tell him that, he’s gonna freak!!” she shrieks as she holds herself up on the door frame, laughing her absolute ass off.

“Oh Jesus, don’t tell him!!” I beg, laughing at her completely losing it.

“Oh no. This is gold, queen!! I am gonna write this in the sky! Spray paint it in the boy’s locker room!!” she cackles.

I sigh and chuckle at her.

“Fine, just be sure he knows I meant it as a compliment. I really don’t need to worry about him coming in here a bench pressing me in my sleep.”

Delilah starts howling, clapping her hands and jumping up and down. God I love this woman.

“Oh my god!! I can’t breathe!!!” she gasps, bending over, holding her stomach.

We laugh together as she calms down, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Oh girl, you are my new favorite patient. I am so bringing you cheesecake next time I work, babe.” She gives me a big, gorgeous smile and helps me up and over to the bed. Her beautiful, long black hair is pulled up into a high ponytail, her lovely caramel-colored skin is flushed dark from her laughing like a crazy person episode. But the girl knows her makeup, mascara didn’t run a smidge from the the tears.

As she helps me lay back onto the bed, I can’t help but admire her name.

“You have such a lovely name,” I comment, looking at her name badge.

“Aw thanks, fam, you’re so sweet,” she giggles and squeezes my hand.

She is very gentle as she helps sponge bathe me, cracking jokes and laughing at my own attempts. She doesn’t even blink when she removes my bandages and goes about doing her job, being quick and sufficient. All clean and freshly bandaged up, I sigh in relief and relax back into the bed.

After pinky-promising another visit and a stolen cupcake from the cafeteria, she heads back to her side of the wing.

Riddick comes back in about fifteen minutes later, a huge ass grin on his gorgeous face.

“Soooo…. I hear you’re a Vin Diesel fan?” he asks nonchalantly, preparing my next pain med dose.

“Nah, he’s way overrated,” I lie through my teeth, studying the blanket and not making eye contact.

He bursts out laughing.

“I mean, geez, what’s so great about his stupid pretty face and huge bulging muscles and…. deep voice…” I trail off, not able to keep a smile off my face, peeking up at him.

He shakes his head, chuckling, and looks over at me.

“Whatever you say, Y/n,” he says in a deep voice, smirking and lifting an eyebrow at me.

I blush bright red and snort into a fit of giggles.

As he shoots the dose into my IV, we laugh and talk about our favorite Riddick movie, favorite lines, even arguing over which female character was the better choice for him: Fry or Dahl. My personal fave is Dahl, she kicks ass and I love Battlestar Galactica. Which transcended into a whole new conversation.

After about 20 minutes of straight up sci-fi talk with this total hunk of a man, he apologizes and promises to return later, maybe bringing a few dvds for me to pass my time with.

The sun is rising as the pain meds hit me, the warmth spreading through my limbs and curling around my stomach. As I doze off, I wonder where my team of superheroes are… and if Bucky is ok.

--------------------------------------

Shouting jerks me out of my happy warm slumber, startling me awake and sending my heart into a crazy fast rhythm. Bright sunlight peeking through the closed curtains momentarily blinds me as I blink into wakefulness.

Glancing at the clock, I see more than a few hours have passed. It’s 8:30 in the morning and people are running past my door, yelling stuff I can’t hear.

Scooting up, I raise the head of my bed, eyes focused on the door.

Heart hammering, the beeps sounding loud and fast from the heart monitor, I take in deep breaths, trying to calm myself, while wondering what the hell is going on.

I jump out of my skin when something bangs against the door, something that sounds almost metallic. Straining my ears, I gasp when I pick up Nat’s voice, growling at someone.

“He needs to see her, he needs to--”

“I don’t give a shit what he needs, ma’am,” a strange voice barks back. “I was given specific orders not to allow Sergeant Barnes anywhere near this room. I was even ordered to shoot on sight.”

More shouting and arguing follows that as my eyes widen, my hand grasping at my chest, wincing. I look down at myself, Buck’s purple-black handprint bruise peeking out from under the bandages covering me from chest to a few inches above my navel.

Thoughts fly through my head.

He’s here. Nat says he needs to see me. Why?? Do I want to see him? He said he doesn’t love me anymore. He said to stay the fuck away from him.

That he can’t stay any longer.

The door handle twisting jerks me out of my spiralling thoughts and I jump, jerking the blankets to cover my chest.

“Y/n?” Steve whispers into the room.

“Steve.” I relax a smidge, taking a deep breath, “What’s going on?”

Steve slides into the room, closing the door firmly behind him and turns on the overhead lights. My eyes widen as I take in his appearance. His cheek is bruised, his pants are scuffed with dirt and… a few pine needles are poking out of the khaki fabric around his ankles.

I straighten up fast, ignoring the pain dulled by the meds.

“Steve, jesus, what happened??” I cry out, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, wanting to rush to him and inspect his wounds.

“Whoa, hold on, Y/n!” He rushes to my side, putting his hands on my knees to stop me from rising. “Stay put, honey, you’ll hurt yourself. It’s alright, I just got into a tussle with Clint.”

“What? Why--” I start.

A loud thud sounds from the hallway and I jump again. Steve places his large hands on my shoulders and gently pushes me back onto the bed. Ignoring the sounds from outside, he lifts my legs up onto the bed, turning bright red when the blankets fall away to reveal my lower half.

“Oh no, shit, sorry, Y/n,” he stutters, turning away and blindly reaches for the blankets, only to close his hand around my inner thigh. He jerks his hand away and I laugh, having mercy on him and covering myself.

“It’s ok, old man, don’t go having a heart attack on me now,” I chortle as I pat his hand.

Steve sputters indignantly at that, turning his gaze to my face, relaxing when he sees I’m just teasing.

“Ok, that’s just mean,” he teases, still pink and a bit shy.

We both sober up as the door opens again and Tony squeezes in, slamming the door behind him. I gasp at the bloody tissue he’s holding to his nose, taking in his rumpled clothes and out-of-character messy hair.

“Cap, listen to me--”

“Not now, Stark,” Steve stands tall, balling his fists at his sides.

“Oh, we’re back to Stark now?” Tony scoffs.

“What, we’re back to Cap now?” Steve returns.

Tony shakes his head, a vulnerable look crossing his face, and looks down at the floor, then back up at Steve, determined and confident once more.

“Look, I know he’s your war buddy. That you would give your life for him. But she… is NOT… ready.” Tony gestures to me.

“Ready to see Bucky?” I ask quietly.

They both turn to look down at me, panicking a bit, almost like they forgot I was here.

“Y/n--” Steve begins, but is cut off as Nat swings the door open and stalks over to the other side of my bed, followed by a furious Sam, and a very red and seething Clint.

“This is NOT happening,” Clint growls, standing next to Nat, near the foot of my bed. He places a protective hand on my blanketed ankle.

“Jesus, you guys look like you took a tumble through the forest, what the hell happened?” My poor medicated brain is having a hard time catching up to everything, and is only able to process the state of their clothes. Sam is filthy, tiny twigs stuck snugly inside the tight texture of his hair. Clint is covered in dirt and bruises, his hair a complete mess with a few leaves woven in. Nat, on the other hand, is spotless. There’s a tiny smudge of dust on her ass, but her hair is impeccable.

They all ignore me as Sam shouts something I don’t hear, not anymore. My focus is zeroed in on the door. On the shaggy head peering inside from around the frame.

“Bucky?” I whisper, shocked as hell.

Everyone stops immediately. I have no idea what they do or say after.

All I can do is watch the man who was once the man of my dreams stealthily make his way a few feet inside the room. My eyes take in his haggard appearance. His hair is dirty and pushed back away from his face. A large bruise covers most of his lower jaw on the left side. His clothes torn and dirty, boots full of mud.

But I can really only focus on his eyes. Those startling ice blue eyes that captured me the very second I first met him. They had been full of laughter and mischief then.

Now they are drowning in sorrow and fear. Self hatred.

Bucky takes a another tentative step inside, his metal arm whirring from the tight fist he’s making.

His eyes take in my form; the bruise and wound on my cheek, the bright blue wrapping around my right arm, the IV plugged into my left. He stops at the horrendous looking bruise in the shape of his hand peering out from between my breasts.

He inhales a shaky breath, tears pooling in his eyes, sheer agony spreading across his face.

He lifts those eyes to mine.

“Doll?” he whispers.

To be continued...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Epilogue

<3

Tagging: @melissa-anne-rose @simplyme8308 @lucian-tate @lovekrystina  @bolontiku @your-dark-magic-man-mysterio @thestrangedoctorisin @theweatherwitch @magellan-88 @torilovelytop @mymourningtea @mcuimxgine @magicalhufflehuggles @ramxna-marxtta @spinsterlocity @blackroseyaz @secondsandstars @the-squid-one @justreadingfics @justareader @suz-123 @papi-chulo-bucky @softwhispers @plumfondler

[avadakaravadra]

Nocere. Dolor. Et Culpa. || Self Para

               it matters not how strait the gate,                           how charged with punishments the scroll,               i am the master of my fate,                           i am the captain of my { s o u l } 

date and time: two days after the centurion holiday dinner (december 23rd at 5:00 pm) suggested listening: eros by ludovico einaudi triggers: torture, blood, serious injury, homicide, death

    It was just another day at work, though his Centurion job wasn’t the office he was en route to. Instead, it was time to descend into the dreary and damp tunnels of the Cult, time to call forth the darkness he kept hidden in the light of day. He had only just gotten the message an hour or so ago. A high caliber target had finally been brought in after months of tracking, and they needed Jax’s special services to crack open their mind like a newfound book, spread the pages across the floor so that he might glean whatever information the Cult might need from this particular person.

    As Jax prepared to do his work, one of his fellow Cult members clapped him on the back, as if they could give him their own version of a pep talk though Jax wasn’t very fond of receiving such things. Still, they persisted and received an eye roll in return of their words. “I loosened them up a little before you got here. So everything should be fine.” There was that word again. Fine. It’d been ringing in his head ever since Lina had asked her question over text. Are you fine? Of course he was fine. It wasn’t as if he felt like there were claws inside his stomach, trying to scratch their way through his throat whenever his phone buzzed and her name appeared. It wasn’t as if they tried to rip through his intestine whenever he saw Bobbi smiling at Leo, words echoing in his head of her true mother’s greek identity. And it most certainly wasn’t as if the sight of Maia, crying at the dinner table in Touch of Class had somehow given the scratching inside his gut a small victory in the form of an apology finding its way to the surface. He was fine.

    He entered the room, darkness engulfing him and his subject. It was a simple scare tactic. Put someone in pitch black, and it wouldn’t be long before they were hopelessly disoriented, possibly even seeing strange figures and shadows in the inky lack of lighting. But it was no matter for Jax. He could see the man he was here to interrogate easily in the darkness, trying to appear as if he wasn’t scared out of his mind whilst being tied to a chair. That would change soon. “Are you comfortable? Are you fine?” Jax’s voice pierced ever so softly through the darkness, so quiet and smooth that one might think they were imagining things in the murky room, though the tone of his last word betrayed some of the malice that was bubbling within him. He wouldn’t start with telling them what he wanted to know. Let them wonder at it for a while. Hopefully then, they’d be even more desperate to tell Jax whatever it was that he wanted.

Jax circled his specimen, not bothering to cause any physical pain yet. Instead he took the flat of one of his favorite blades, and slid it over the skin of his victim’s arm. “You know what that is, don’t you? You’d be a pretty sad excuse for a demigod if you couldn’t recognize the feeling of a knife against you.” The cold metal of the blade moved harmlessly over the man’s skin, goosebumps creating a path behind it. “Though, being a graecus, perhaps one of your inherent shortcomings is that you wouldn’t even recognize a weapon when it’s pitted against you.” he drawled. But suddenly, his words threw themselves back onto him. The Greeks, now they were a sad excuse for a demigod. But once again Bobbi flashed before his mind’s eye, and the claws that had continuously threatened to break through his ever so careful demeanor were back, scratching at the lining of his stomach. And now that he was here on his lonesome, no threat of being exposed, where none could see the emotions flitting across his features— his mind finally confronted him with what it was he’d been trying to avoid.

    Bobbi wasn’t a sad excuse for a person. And yet here she was with Athena, the most disgraceful of the Greek gods, for a mother. But Bobbi was different, he told himself. She wasn’t the type of Greek to set fire to the Senate House, nor the kind to distract his childhood Centurion on the battlefield at Camp Half-Blood even after the two sides had reconciled their differences. Not the kind to get said beloved best friend and leader killed in an act of senseless idiocy because they were doing something they shouldn’t, distracting the faithful Roman just long enough for a giant to deal it’s killing blow. And most certainly not the kind to be the reason for an eighteen-year-old Jax having to watch and kneel beside the body of said best friend as they died on the field in front of him in the midst of chaos, not even giving the son of Discordia a chance to grieve before he had to continue where his Centurion had left off. Never giving him the chance to grieve. He’d had to keep going, just as he always did— just as he was trying to do now. He was fine. Bobbi was different. Not like the Greeks that needed to be eradicated.

    Making a quick decision, he let the sorrow of the loss wash over his target, Jax’s abilities lending him the power to do such a thing. Again his voice pervaded the air ever so quietly. “Hurts, doesn’t it? The loss of someone so close? All because of the idiocy of you graeci.” He could see the tears beginning to stream down his victim’s features, the sheer pain of Jax’s emotions washing over them as the man began to shake. “You’ve lost someone too, haven’t you?” He shifted somewhat blindly through their past pains via his Discordia-given abilities, until he found one that felt similar to his own before pressing on it with a steady mental thumb. It would hurt more if Jax could make the pain of the loss personal. The man’s tears began to flow more freely and his body twitched with emotion. “Wasn’t that long ago for you that they died.” Jax most often couldn’t get details, only the slightest of senses and hunches. “But the death of the friend isn’t the worst form of loss,” he said ominously, a humorless smile finding its way over his lips.

    Jax had learned that the hard way. Lina had been simply a name and face for the longest time, and then suddenly she’d become much more. A friend. One of his closest. But that had only made the realization all the more painful when she’d expressed her backing of the Greeks, her support for those who had stolen from him. The injury to his family name had only been salt to the wound. The clawing in his stomach worked upwards into his chest, as whatever beast that lie within him desperately tried to force its way through his careful charade of not caring, and continuing to do what it was he was meant to do. He couldn’t let it break through. So instead he forced it onto the man before him once more.

    Jax still had yet to draw blood, but that was remedied as he made the first of his stabs into an area of the man’s abdomen that wouldn’t prove lethal, just extremely painful. As the warmth of the blood flowing from his wound coated Jax’s hand, he leaned over his victim, speaking directly into the man’s ear. “It’s a bitch, isn’t it? Knowing that you lost someone in your life. You’d think it’d be less painful when they stay alive, but no.” He accessed their own memory of such a pain, bidding it to replay over and over again in his victim’s mind in conjunction with the death of their loved one.  “Pain hits you right in the gut. Knowing that things are different now. That even though they’re alive and well things will never be the same.” But he had to pretend like they were. Don’t burn bridges. You never know when you might need something from someone, and it’s a lot easier to mend a bridge than rebuild one. Jax could practically hear his father slithering the words into his ear. But if Jax didn’t use the fire to burn the bridge, and couldn’t let it out in a show of anger or frustration for fear of insult...where was the fire meant to go? Inwards was the only place left for it. Though he didn’t let it rage even there, always being careful to keep the flame safely tucked away, but it still ate away ever so slowly, waiting for the day it would find its freedom alongside the clawing in his stomach. Still he ignored them. He was fine.

    “They’re lost to you, even if they’re not dead.” A sob from the man tied to the chair fell on deaf ears, though it wasn’t clear whether it was the emotional or physical pain that had cowed the man. Nevertheless, Jax could feel him shuddering beneath him. Jax knew it didn’t matter how much he broke this man, how much he revealed of his powers. He was going to die soon anyways— though Jax had been sure not to tell him that. Someone who thought pain was all they would know for the rest of their time on this planet was generally someone much more willing to talk. Death gave them an out, and Jax didn’t have pity. He had a job. “You wanna know what I want, don’t you?” He spoke into the man’s ear once more, and the man nodded, the rivers of tears still flowing freely down his face. “I wanna know what makes you feel guilty. What is it that’s the secret you’re keeping locked up tight in here?” Jax brought the tip of his blade to the other side of the man’s stomach, adding enough pressure to break skin, the beginnings of ruby droplets forming at the end of the blade.

    “That guilt that just eats away at you, constantly trying to break free. Of course, that’s how I’m told it feels. I wouldn't know. I don’t have anything to feel guilty about.” But if he hadn’t felt guilty why was it that he had apologized to Maia at the Centurion dinner? Jax had tried to tell himself it was to save face, a play in hopes of gaining the compassion and trust of Maia, but he couldn’t deny the truth— not when he’d felt those returning scaly claws thrashing in his stomach when he’d uttered his apology two nights before. Again Jax thrust the confused pain of his own whirlwind thoughts onto the man, and he immediately broke out in frantic, sobbing tones. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry— I didn’t mean- I didn’t want- I had no choice.”

    Jax had little patience for crying, though he was pleased with the obvious progress he’d made in breaking the man. And yet he’d had patience for crying when it had been Maia at the dinner table? No. Jax banished the errant thought with another plunge of his knife into the man’s gut, this time twisting the blade within, and Jax was certain he felt bone as the tip of his knife hit something hard. He lodged it there, not wanting to withdraw the blade just yet. He couldn’t have the man losing consciousness from bloodloss once he removed the tool. However, that didn’t keep him from pressing the metal in further, taking a small hammer from his belt to tap at the hilt of it, driving it deeper— threatening to split the bone like a toothpick after finding just the right place to hit. “So what is it you’d like to confess?” he asked his weeping victim. The man simply shook his head, as if he’d found a last reserve of strength and was using it to deny Jax what he wanted. And with that Jax gave the final blow, breaking the bone beneath his blade as the other man gave a thunderous howl.

    “I can make it stop, you know,” Jax offered. “The hurt. The pain. The guilt.” This time, instead of adding to the pain, Jax drained the man of it entirely. He would feel nothing inside or out, just a complete numbness, almost apathy and the severe absence of the broken bone and his stab wounds. “If you just tell me what I want to know.” And finally Jax was whispering his question into the man’s ear, the question that the Cult wanted the answer to. But sometimes the absence of pain was more disorienting than the presence of it, and Jax’s outlet seemed to be in a stupor because of it— for he barely reacted to Jax’s question. “You don’t want to tell me?” He let a fraction of the pain slip back in, his threat of bringing both the emotional and physical pain back full force dangling rather obviously above the pair.

    Suddenly the man before him broke out in sobs once more, unable to handle the thought of feeling such unbearable things again. “Stop, please. Please just stop. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you. Just don’t make me feel that again, please.” His voice was a begging and pleading whisper, and Jax leaned closer, wanting to catch every word with his knife still sandwiched between the man’s broken bone. A moment later, once Jax had the information he needed and no more use for the man, he let the knife rip upwards— slicing through an artery that would result in a nearly instant kill. It wasn’t pity that drove him, but the wish to leave this place after the emotions he’d let himself feel here, and then shoved onto the man before him.

    As the now dead man slumped in his chair, Jax reflected on this particular meeting. He had never let his sessions get as personal as this before, preferring to only use the pains of the other person’s past to torture them, but gods knew that he’d been bottling these emotions up for weeks, for years— and apparently this was the only way he knew how to let them out, by thrusting them onto someone else. Make them hurt the way he did, though he’d never even admitted to himself that’s what was clawing within his stomach. Hurt. Pain. Guilt. The hurt the Greeks had caused all those years ago. The pain of realizing Lina, one of closest friends, wasn’t an ally in his war against the Greeks stemming from his original hurt. The guilt of seeing the casualty of it at the disastrous Centurion dinner in Maia’s tears. The thought of them brought Jax’ gaze back to the man before him, his eyes trailing the drying tracks of tears on the man’s face, replaying the shuddering and convulsing that had wracked him as he’d experienced what was going on in Jax’s own head and heart.

    As the son of Discordia left the room, waiting for a clean-up crew to appear, he considered his reflection in the mirror of his bloody blade. If he’d had any sense, after witnessing what his bottled up emotions had done to the man within the room, he might wonder what they were doing to him. But no. He was fine. No matter the fact that when Lina had asked them those three little words he’d first typed out the simple answer of no. He had to be fine. There were jobs to do.

[amsrober02-blog]

Strength

Last year, my daughter ran cross country. I remember watching her getting close to the end and being so out of breath that she looked like she might pass out or throw up or something. However, when she saw the finish line ahead, extra adrenaline pumped through her veins and she had one last push to bring her through the finish line where she would collapse. I’m running a different kind of race, one I never wanted to run. And there is this invisible finish line, but no one will tell me how far I have to run to get there. There have been times I thought I was close. My adrenaline kicked in and I ran hard, only to realize that it wasn’t the finish line. This keeps happening, again and again. I just keep being told to keep going! Don’t give up! Stay strong! You’re doing great. But inside, I haven’t felt great. In fact, it has begun to feel like this race isn’t real and the finish line doesn’t exist. I just keep seeing these signs everywhere telling me it’s ahead. Well, where is it?

It has been about 5 weeks since the start of radiation. I’ve had 22 treatments. I’ve taken 467 chemo pills. My life these past few weeks has been a reflection of something I’m not proud of. I gave up and allowed fear, uncertainty, and hopelessness to enter my mind. Instead of pouring out my heart to God, I poured it out on my husband. I became a shell of a person in these short five weeks.

Chemo/Radiation is hard. Going into it, I had so much confidence. To me, this was nothing compared to what I had been through the past 6 months, so I let my guard down and stepped into the unknown arrogantly. I had this in the bag already. 28 cycles, no problem. My only fear was the chemo, but after a week of taking it with zero side effects, I had come to the conclusion that I finally was getting the break I wanted. Easy peasy.

I walked out of my first radiation treatment to speak with the doctor. My appointments with the radiologist are on Tuesdays, and I happened to start on a Tuesday. She went over a few things I could expect in the coming weeks, but I assured her that I was not too worried about it. After all, I wasn’t even having side effects from the chemo.

Well, that night, it all came to a head. Apparently the radiation does something when it mixes with the chemo and I felt suddenly at 4 pm like the energy had been zapped from my body. The next few days would add new side effects like- pain, nausea, upset stomach, and the worst fatigue I would ever experience.

I started complaining a lot. I isolated myself. I was embarrassed about how I felt too tired to reach out to anyone. Last anyone heard, this was no problem. The next week, when friends started to ask how I was doing, I would say, “Eh, not great, but I’m ok.” Eventually, my replies were more honest, but I didn’t even have the energy to explain. I was using the bathroom multiple times a day, I got winded just walking to the kitchen from the living room. I struggled to get my kids to their practices.

In the midst of it all, I also lost my dream job. It felt like my world was caving in, and I felt worthless. My husband felt lost. My kids stayed away from me. My new normal was found in sleep- the only relief I could find. I started taking opioids for the pain- which actually worked and brought relief for sleep. Tempted to take them around the clock, I thankfully decided against it.

This past Sunday I finally poured out my heart to my close group of friends and my husband. One friend called and talked me through my cry for help. I realized in that moment how badly I needed a friend, how isolated I had allowed myself to become. It wasn’t right. I needed to make a change.

That night I sat down with Anthony and we had a hard conversation. What I needed was to believe that the God of miracles was still by my side. I needed to realize that Anthony was not God. He is just another human that cannot bare this burden alone. Communication, repentance, and openness.

I also found out this week that God had something better in store for me. The school district created a position so that I can work remotely. This is perfect because 6-10 weeks after radiation ends, I will need surgery again. I need to stay healthy, and being in the school right now may not be the best option. Idk what this year has in store, but God keeps making a way, so I’m going to trust Him.

This week has been better. I don’t feel as fatigued. I don’t really know why either. Maybe the emotional load I was carrying was heavier than I realized. My prayer is that I’ll have the energy to make it through my first day of training with the remote learning team. It starts at 8:30AM tomorrow and ends at 3:00. I moved my radiation appointment time earlier in the morning so that I can make it work. I just don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, but I’m praying good enough to make it through the day.

I don’t know why this cancer is still lingering. I don’t understand why it’s happening to me. I don’t know why I am still fighting this battle, but God isn’t surprised by it. He hates it. Pain, sadness, hurt- it doesn’t come from Him. But he promises to use it all for good. He will make good from this.

God promises to never leave us or forsake us, but He can’t make us rely on Him. He says He’ll carry our burdens if we let Him, but I have to let Him. He promises in Isaiah-

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:29-31‬ ‭

He promises to give strength to the weary and power to the weak. He promised me again this morning in Jeremiah 31:25, “I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”

It’s not my own strength that carries me, but His. To God be all the glory.